Proposed New Rating System Submitted to Yankee High Command

If you think you are seeing double, and think you are seeing my best dress up shoes, read on.

It all began last Sunday in a quiet, pre-screened press conference room in Baghdad. A solemn ceremony organized to exchange lies about success.

It ( the act of defiance that is the basis for this idea ) quickly made its way to a mixed group of retrobates, gathered at a local Cantina in Southern Mexico. We started out drinking tequila from traditional shot glasses; then moved to the bottle; and, finally, our third base coach ( a 33 year old female flamenco dancer from a northern border town ) poured some tequila into her 6 inch, fire engine red manolo blahnik's and it hit me.

We'll have a new rating system for the performances of Brian's off-season acquisitions, the famous Yankee prospects and farm system, and the active multi-millionaires out on the field.

I have called it the "old shoe " rating system. It will replace all the statistics previously used to dazzle.

According to my Muslim friends in the South Mexico dirt field league, calling someone the " son of a shoe " is one of the worst insults that can be delivered. The Yankees can learn from this.

IIH, IIF, IIc independent thinkers and guests will give Yankee players an " old shoe " rating for each game in which that individual stands out for ineptitude, incompetence, cowardice or rank failure.

Ian Kennedy, for example, would be given a "10 old shoe" rating ( the worst ) for his 2008 work in pinstripes. You know what old shoes have stepped in during their lifetimes. Think about 10 of them, owned by some really old, worn out, well traveled guy such as myself.

Names of the offending players will be painted onto the bottom of shoes ( in a sterile environment), given a coat of glaze, and then mounted on the "Shoe(s) of Shame Wall " in our headquarter's conference rooms ( a series of bars in various locations...unnamed, so red Sox fans cannot infiltrate ).

This global rating system can be a money maker for IIH.IIF.IIc, as well as a time saver.

Already, some Saudi dude has offered $10 million for just one of the shoes thrown at our Bush President. And the daughter of Colonel ( Sanders ) Qaddafi has awarded the shoe thrower a medal of courage .

Think what Red Sox fans will pay for a "6 shoe " rating we hang on CC Sabathia when he gives up 6 walks in two innings up at Fenway. All monies will go to local charities so that our tax exempt status is not threatened.

These awards will be given out in formal settings, with flags, pomp and circumstance, just like the medals of Freedom George W liked to give out for monstrous failures. Speaking of which, I have already sent a note to FEMA's "Brownie "to join us for the 2009 season inaugural ceremony ( no response, yet, but it is the holidays ).

I can see fans lining up outside the stadium after a bad loss, holding their shoes on long sticks, waiving them high in the air , shaking them vigorously and shouting epithets at Yankee misdeeds.

Get ready Brian.

We never stop thinking here at IIH, IIF, IIc.