Yankeetorial: Eight Reasons Why We Must Not Drink the Manny Kool-Aid

To ye olde Yankiverse...

Dear Madams or Sirs,

Whatayawhatayawhataya? Yeesh! I don't fukinay believe this. I mean, homina-homina-homina...

Every day, another Gammonite shinnies up a few inches higher on the poledance known as "Let's Sign Manny UhHUH." Over the last two weeks, we've gone from laughing about it to serious public discussions that we would make an offer.

This is frickin insanity. Here's why.

1. Let's ask ourselves: Why did Manny hate Boston? The team? The city? The Nation? No. He started 2008 loving them all. It was the media, the intense fan scrutiny... exactly what he'll get in New York. Can you imagine his reaction to the first Lupica hatchet? Or to the things ALPHONSO WILL SAY?

2. We're talking a huge 2-year deal. The economy will be in the shitter for the next three. If we want to drop $20 million per year, sign Teixiera for eight, and at least it'll be most cost-effective over the long run. With all the U.S. money to be printed, inflation is inevitable. By 2012, CC will be one of the cheaper pitchers in MLB.

3. Corner outfielder. Corner outfielder. Corner outfielder! How many do we need? How does that baseball adage go: "Baseball is 90 percent corner outfielding...?"

4. Signing Manny means trading Damon, Matsui or Nady - three tough players. The only one we might get half value for is Nady, the youngest. We get dogmeat -- think LaTroy -- for the others, who'll thrive.

5. Defense. Fenway's LF is a postage stamp. Ours is zip code. Play Manny at DH? Fine, until his first slump, when he pulls a Giambi and claims he's not hitting because he's not fielding.

6. Some pinheads actually have noted how signing Manny will really make games with Boston interesting next year! When I read this, I conclude that we should not close Git-Mo; we have people who need to go there.

7. Nobody hits forever. One of these days, Manny will shut down. Hasn't happened yet. But it will. Do we want to be left holding the Manny .235 bag? Because -- think this through, folks -- when Manny stops hitting, woah... then he's really going to be positive force, am I right?

8. Re-read No. 1. Seriously. The New York Gammonites would love to have Manny here. They'll get book deals. They will take batting practice on the guy. For them, it'll be like playing a first-person shooter video game. Imagine Billy Madden trying to top Joel Sherman, so he can outdo the Great Shaugnessy, who is quoting Alphonso. Imagine the call-in shows. If Manny hated Boston -- yeeesh, hummina-hummina-hummina - he's going to really hate New York.

Teixiera. Teixiera. Teixiera. We sign Mark Teixiera, and we win the 2009 World Series. It's that simple. What are we waiting for?