Bird Strikes: What you, your family and the Yankees should know

Friday, America experienced its most savage attack since 9-11.

Within the bird world, the sudden strikes that took down US Airways Flight 1697 are being hailed as an incident that holds the same significance as the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand.

Only today's Murdoch has the guts to tell us the truth:

We. Are. At. War.

We face attack by a winged species that hates us, has always hated us, and will always hate us. It doesn't matter that we now give many chickens the free-range life they've always coveted. They hate us. They are bastards. Say the Murdochites:

"Round them up - and get rid of them!" Or even kill them if you like.

Yes, it is time to take out the trash, species-wise. But for now, we must take these extra steps of security to keep safe our families... and our 2009 Yankee ballclub.

1. Stay inside. Do NOT go to playgrounds, sit on benches and smoke cigarettes with your back to electric wires. The bastards will congregate while you are not looking, and the next thing you know, they will be pecking your eyes out.

If attacked in a public setting, do not seek refuge in one of the many glass-enclosed telephone booths that dot our urban landscape. They will throw their bodies against it until the walls shatter, forcing you to run in the streets, where they can peck your eyes out.

And the Yankees must immediately severe all ties with this man, whose reputation as an international murderer of birds will never be forgiven by our winged adversaries. If his face appears at our new stadium, players and fans face the possibility of having their eyes pecked out.

American Security '09

LOOK TO THE SKIES
BUT COVER YOUR EYES.