Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Yanknaugural Addresss.

President Levine, Owner Steinbrenner, esteemed Steinbrenner heirs and heiress, President Obama, players, fans, media, drunks, hooligans, denizens of the Yankiverse… Dear Madams and Sirs...

Today begins a new era of Yankee first basemen, Yankee Stadiums and Yankee luxury suites.

To use some of the “lingo” from our new Yankee Steakhouse, I humbly say, “WELL DONE!”

As your Blogger-in-Chief, I hereby issue these executive decrees:

One. Shelley Duncan’s sentence to Scranton is permanently commuted. The man is free. He can sign with any team, hit 30 home runs, and show the world what he can do. He played his heart out for us. Last March, after Tampa cheap-shotted our catcher, he neutered that secondbaseman with his spikes, and it was the only decent pain we inflicted on the Rays all year. It’s not his fault we had eight DHs. He shall no longer endure the humiliation of being a lifelong Yankee farmhand. That honor belongs to Kei Igawa, for whom we shall waive the ban on waterboarding.

Two. I am offering Andy Pettitte $10.5 million to return to the Yankees. There. Sir, you have won the negotiation. We capitulate. You must return. You will be our opening day starter.

Three. I am offering Andruw Jones the greatest job in sports: Play centerfield for the New York Yankees. As we speak, I have dispatched Brian "Foot Massage" Cashman to Jones' house to woo his wife. We will sign him.

Four. The ban on Yankee facial hair is now lifted. No longer shall Yanks be silenced in forms of facial self-expression. We will, however, hold the line on piercings.

Five. The great Mariano Rivera is today named captain of Yankee pitchers. This in no way degrades Derek Jeter's position as team captain. It shows the gratitude and respect Yankee fans feel for this magnificent person and sportsman.

Six. From now on, we will quadruple the amount of money spent on young American and Latino talent, spending at least four times what any other team appropriates. However, WE WILL NEVER SIGN A BOY UNDER AGE SEVENTEEN. No more 16-year-old Latinos will be exploited. That foul system is over. To the young players of Latin America, If you want to play for the Yankees, stay in school and wait until age 17. WE WILL NOT SUPPORT A SYSTEM THAT DESTROYS FAMILIES AND EXPLOITS CHILDREN.

Finally, as we enter these tough times, let us remember this:

We have a lot to fear... but not fear, itself.

Fear is good, a central tool of self-preservation. Many things can kill you, but fear is not one of them. Hell, if you don’t fear bears, you'll get eaten by one.

And if the Yankees don't fear losing, we bloggers aren't doing our job.

God bless the Yankees, and God damm everybody else. PLAY BALL.


Anonymous said...

Such grandeur! Such eloquence!

I'm getting misty.

Hey, Misty, come over here a second, babe, willya.

Anonymous said...

Andruw Jones? Why oh why?

Anonymous said...

Andruw Jones? And facial hair?? What's next, names on the back of the uniforms?!