Monday, January 26, 2009

Exclusive Excerpts from Joe's Book


Without telling anyone, Chien-Ming and I had worked up a little routine. I asked, “Who is the Chinese foreign minister?” Immediately, he chimed in, “No, Woo is on first!” The whole place cracked up. Zim had to take a pill.

*

The ball cleared both walls and probably would still be traveling had not it hit a passing train. Mel looked at me and shook his head. “Well,” I said. “Let’s bring in Scott Proctor.”

*

“Let me get this straight,” I said. “I can write out the line-up any way I want?” George gave a wide grin. “You got it, chief,” he said. “We’ll have Johnny lead off, followed by Jeet, Bobby, Arod, Jason, Hideki, Jorge, Robbie and then it’s up to you!”

*

Throughout the colonoscopy, I stayed cool as a cucumber. But I couldn’t stop thinking about Suzyn’s question. Why not use Scott Proctor?

*

It was heartbreaking. He looked up at me with those sad, defeated eyes and rasped, “Joe, I let you down.” Well, what could I say? “No, please, don’t think that way,” I said. But privately, I was stewing. A voice inside wanted to shout, “Christ, Arod, instead of eighth, maybe I should have batted you ninth!”

*

I knew from his glassy-eyed grin that Sterling was well into his fourth tequila and valium. “Guesh what,” he said. “Somebody's pretty little thirdbaseman's goin' out with Madonna.”

*

I warned Boomer not to talk to ESPN. "Remember, David,” I said. “No matter what they claim, no matter how they act, they’re ESPN. We’re YES."¶

*

“What do you think?” Mattingly asked. I kicked at the dugout wall in disgust. “Well," I said, "Is Proctor warmed up?”

3 comments:

The Ghost of Scott Brosius said...

Poor Scott Procter

Whitey Fraud said...

Right. He's with the Marlins now. No big crowds to distract him.

Wailin' Suzyn said...

I get it!

Proc-tology!

Whew, that was a good one!

Note to Ghost: The iSuit arrived today!