Thursday, January 22, 2009

Boston Redsocks Caught Buying Fans (With Dirt!)

In a not-so-stunning piece of breaking news, that Glorified Triple-A club from 206.37 miles to the North decided to sign a free agent fan.

Pictured with the budding mullet on the right is Tim, a former San Diego Padres fan who was reportedly disgruntled with his team's projected future and sent a letter to the 30 MLB teams looking for a buyer for his fandom.

His 'loyalty'...

Guess which team was the only one to respond?

Yup... The Boston Redsocks. The Hanging Sox. The Classiest, Fan-Friendly Organization in Sports!

Here is the link to Tim's letter in which he offered to whore himself out. Directly below it is the letter that he got in return from Count Henry and Co.

The Socks also sent him a 7 and 5/8 New Era Redsock hat, some Fenway dirt, and some photos and stickers of various classic Redsock moments in time.

However, the Investigative Reporting Division at It Is High has learned exclusively that Socks' GM Theo Epstein also sent along a plane ticket to Ft. Redneck, Fla. so he can tryout for the 1B position in March during Spring Training.

The Socks' front office decided that seeing as they missed out on Mark Teixeira by just $1.5 million a year to the Yankees, and the fact Newbury Street sucks, in addition to the fact David Ortiz is about as mobile at first as Jabba the Hut, and Kevin 'The Greek God of Head Beanings' Youkilis will be shifting over to 3B as Mike Lowell will be spending the first few months of 2009 rehabbing his hip surgery, filling out AARP forms and eating more 'cup of soup and half a sandwich' specials, they need a first baseman.

The fans on the inaugural Socks' blog Tim has chosen to frequent seem quite excited over his decision to join (albeit for a fee) Red Sox County. The poster who seemed the most excited was someone who had a "Thank You President Bush" as their avatar. They wrote:

"Great story Rafe. Glad Tim is on board. He is in for a wild ride. Sawx are pissa Tim!"

Pissa? Call me old, but is 'Pissa' a good thing?

UPDATE: I was reading through some of those comments from Redsock fans welcoming Tim to the 'County' and I noticed something:

They seem to like giving away dirt!

Exhibit A is a poster named P.J. Sox, who eloquently writes:

"I once wrote a letter to the Red Sox complaining of poor "customer service", for lack of a better term, and I to was sent a bag of dirt, as well as some magnets, a rookie picture of Tek, and a pocket schedule. The Red Sox have always been my favorite team, and obviously that fan isn't truly a fan, just a person who watches the game."

However, my favorite line was from SawxfaninMD, who writes:

"Ive been a red sox fan for over 20 years and Ive never gotten anything except gouged.. wheres my free fenway dirt lol?"


The Ghost of Scott Brosius said...

Barry Melrose's mullet is better than that guy's.

Hell, even Billy Ray Cyrus's mullet is better than that guy's.

Anonymous said...

Screw it all!

I say deal Damon, Nady, Swisher and Gardner away for pitching.

Then sign Andruw Jones, Abreu and Manny to one year deals!

A defensive minded OF of Manny in LF, Jones in CF and Abreu in RF would be unstoppable.

YEAH ! What, bitches?!?!?!

Yankee Shamus said...

Hey, you stick to making fun of dead Yankees, GOSB!

I'll worry about the Mullet Watch in '09...

Wrong post, anonymous, you dumb drunkard!

Anonymous said...

Is Tim, the bandwagon fan, related to Joe, the plumber? Feels that way.

Anonymous said...

Better hed: Ashes to Asses