Sunday, January 18, 2009

Open Letter to Nick Swisher, alias "Mike Lamb"

Dear Mr. Swisher,

Ever meet Mike Lamb? He's the nobody thirdbaseman Brian Cashman coaxed from Texas in 2004, days after Aaron Boone revealed that he had Joe Namathed his knee playing pick-up basketball, and a month before "My Fair A-Rod" opened on Broadway.

For the basic lifespan of a Rene Zellweger marriage, Lamb was our starting thirdbaseman. After A-Rod signed, out of pity for the guy, Cashman dealt Lamb to Houston for a hologram projection named Juan Deleon.

You could even say he was "our sacrificial Lamb." (Ha ha!)

Ahhhhhhhhh, yes, tomfoolery aside, (May there always be an England!) the weird part of the story is what then happened: That year, Lamb hit 15 home runs, batted .288 and helped Houston make the playoffs. In the post-season, he hit two home runs. In his career, he has 5 post-season HRs in 15 games.

Guess how many Arod has in 39.


C'mon, don't be shy.


Go ahead... guess!


(WRONG: He has 7!)

Anyway, where we we... ah, Nick... quite possibly, you are the reincarnation of Mike Lamb.

Frankly, we have no place for you unless we peddle Xavier Nady for some hologram, because he's a year away from being the subject of Scott Boras' ransom notes. Nope, teams want you. Maybe they see Mike Lamb.

Which is sad. You might never wear pinstripes. Never get pushed out of the dugout by Posada for a curtain call. Never hear your name shouted in a role call. Never have your personal John Sterling home run warble. (Swishin' Accomplished!) Conceivably, you might never even play in the new Yankee Stadium.

But cheer up. You have experienced a fundamental element of modern Yankihood.

You became a hologram. You are a concept: The day-traded Yankee. In one month, out the other.

Here's hoping you stay. But if you don't, remember us. And in our eyes, you'll always be a Yankee. Just like Mike Lamb.

3 comments:

She-Fan said...

I like "Swishin' Accomplished." Oddly, I want the Nickster to stay now.

Rob Abruzzese said...

I like Swisher Accomplished too. Also, for some reason this is my favorite of all the articles I've read on this site.

adam said...

I hoped he stay before this article, but I think this solidifies it.