Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Guest Blogger: Bill O'Reilly... Open Letter to Andy Pettitte

Dear Andy,

I wasn't going to say a word, but when I read yesterday's guest blogger, I was embarrassed for all of baseball. That guy -- I won't say the name -- has hated the Yankees ever since Knobby's peg hit his mom in the box seats.

Andy, I'm glad you came to your senses and signed, because, frankly, you need the money and we need the pitching. I kept still last spring when the Yanks blew that Santana trade with the Twins. I figured, hell, when that bridge fell, we were all Minnesotans, so they needed a good deal, but now that they fake-elected that leftwing nutjob Al Franken -- guy thinks he’s funny, hates the United States of America -- everything's off. I feel sorry for Franken. I’d punch him out but the George Soros-funded Internet would, as the kids say today, "put a cap in me."

I'm still angry at the Mets for firing Willie Randolph. He’s a black man, you know. Not that it matters. I went into the dugout one night with Al Sharpton, and there wasn't one player, not one, who was screaming, 'M**F***, gimmie more at bats!’ I'm telling you, it was just like an Italian-run team.

I was fully behind the IT IS HIGH pinheads on your signing, but if you disagree with them about Andruw Jones, and they brand you a Redsock fan. All the sudden, you’re the racist, you’re the jerk, you’re the guy who thinks Roger Clemens belongs in the Hall!

Now, I'm with them on shooting the Japanese guy, Kei Igawhatever, though God forbid, if you speak to race in this country, they come after you with a lynch mob. The Jap just can't pitch, and it's not because people shout “Pearl Harbor!” during the wind-up. Hell, my old man would, but that’s what growing up in Hell’s Kitchen does to a guy.

I figure your signing means Hughes and Kennedy go back to Columbus, Scranton, whatever. Good riddance. Maybe they'll learn. We should trade one to the Cubs because I like Lou Piniella, even if it is Obama’s town. Why can’t Obama be like Ernie Banks? There was a player. Ernie wasn’t a black man. He was a first base man. And he didn't run for commissioner after three years.

I just thank God that Joe Torre is doing well in LA. Be thankful you didn't go to Tinsel Town. Ever hear a celebrity wish you ‘Merry Christmas?' Don't hold your breath. If they put a Nativity scene outside Dodger Stadium, you'll see Jessica Alba in the crib and George Clooney standing over her, reciting the Koran. It’s a free country, and the U.S. Constitution gives you the right to root for morons. But as far as I’m concerned, if you root for a California team, you’re way out there, you’re National Public Radio, and you make me sick. You know who’d root for California? Al Franken.

One last thing. Welcome back. Win the Cy Young, and I'll personally get you into Cooperstown. The people who run the joint watch FOX.


Anonymous said...

He's a redsock fan.

Anonymous said...

"It’s a free country, and the U.S. Constitution gives you the right to root for morons."

Maybe your best line ever.