Friday, January 30, 2009

King/Torre: The Interview

Larry King: Joe, are you surprised by the negative press you've taken for your new book, "The Yankee Years"?

Joe Torre: Totally shocked, Larry. I would be less shocked if I woke up tomorrow morning with frosted tips, purple lip gloss and in bed next to Madonna.

Larry King: Uhhh, Joe... Isn't that a veiled crack at Alex Rodriguez?

Joe Torre: No, Larry, not at all. In fact, I didn't even say that. That was Tom Verducci speaking for me in the fifth person. In fact, I've never had a bad thing to say about A-Fraud.

Larry King: Well, Joe, it seems A-Rod isn't the only Yankee mad at you. Reports indicate that Gary Sheffield, Kenny Lofton and David Wells all have issues with you as well. Do you have a retort for them?

Joe Torre: Larry, the only reason that Kenny Lofton and Gary Sheffield aren't big fans of Joe Torre is because they believe I treated them differently because they are of African-American heritage. You can ask Andruw Jones and Juan Pierre on my new team, the Dodgers, that I love the black man. Love him like a brother --

Larry King: Quick interruption here, Joe. Stop me if I'm wrong, but isn't Andruw Jones from the Netherlands?

Joe Torre: Ahhhhhh, Netherlands, South Africa, Egypt. Its all the same to me, homie. Joe Torre loves everyone.

Larry King: I can't help but notice you keep referring to yourself in the third person, is their a reason behind this?

Joe Torre: Joe Torre does what he wants. Anyhow, the reason why David Wells doesn't like me is because I fined him $100 grand for that silly stunt where he wore a Babe Ruth cap during a game. He knows perfectly well that I took that hundo and dropped it on hookers, blow and a new set of rims for Derek's Ford Edge for Christmas. So that pissed Wells off because that $100,000 would have bought him a whole lot of White Castle burgers.

Larry King: Now what is this I hear that you called Bernie Williams a bad father?

Joe Torre: Oh Larry, that was taken out of context. All that I said was Bernie's kid was at a game, and when the game was over, Bernie went out on the town to smoke some grass and play some guitar down in the Latin District, which we all know is code for 'picking up three dollar hookers with Alphonso' of It Is High fame. And he forgot his son at the Stadium, so he had Paul O'Neil give him a ride home to Waleska, Bern's wife. Not a big deal in my book, Christ, its not like I called INS or DHS on him. Joe Torre wouldn't do that, no sir.

Larry King: Now, if you can, please describe your relationship with George Steinbrenner.

Joe Torre: Next question.

Larry King: Okay, how about your feelings towards Yankees GM Brian Cashman?

Joe Torre: Next question, Larry.

Larry King: Okay, how do you feel about Randy Levine?

Joe Torre: Levine? He's a no-talent ass clown. You know how when you use a public bathroom, and sometimes your shoelaces are inexplicably wet when you exit the john? That vile liquid is Randy Levine. He's a back stabbing, no-good, two bit punk, and as soon as Joe Torre sees him, Joe is going to punch him in his eye and kick him in his throat.

Larry King: I've read that you refer to Derek Jeter as a son, and for years, he always called you Mr. Torre. What are your true feelings for Derek?

Joe Torre: True feelings? Well, let me preamble this statement. I've been in California for over a year now, so my stance on love, relationships and bromances has, dramatically. So let me say that if Minka doesn't treat Derek right, Uncle Joe would have no problem slipping Derek the ol' Italian capicola, if you know what I mean.

Larry King: Okay, right then. Changing gears here. Do you think Madrod will be upset with what you've written about it in the book, such as the infamous A-Fraud comment, the Single White Female innuendo, etc.?

Joe Torre: Larry, please. Don't you know that the Kabbalah religion doesn't allow its disciples to read? I'm sure Madrod is too busy frosting tips and counting $100 bills to even know what the hell has happened over the last few weeks. Sheeesh, and I thought those Scientologists were screwed up.

Larry King: So Joe, how much of this book is you, and how much of it is that little rat, Verducci?

Joe Torre: Well, honestly, Verducci is almost entirely responsible for this rag. He --

Larry King: But Joe, your name is the top name on the cover. You got the top billing in the byline, right?

Joe Torre: Now wait a second. The only reason Joe Torre is above Tom Verducci is because the 'T' comes alphabetically before the 'V'.

Larry King: Well then, how come you made more money off of the royalties and how come its you doing the interviews? Where's Verducci?

Joe Torre: Well, it came down to having to choose between Verducci, Jon Heyman and that curly haired asshole from the Boston Globe, Dan Shaughnessy. Not much of a choice there, no? Here's the thing: everyone thinks this is a tell-all, but its not even close. If it was a tell-all, then Joe Torre would be up here talking about catching Jason Giambi shooting cattle hormones into his ass in a bathroom stall, or A-Fraud banging every stripper from here to Toronto, or the fact that Melky Cabrera and Robinson Cano are butt buddies.

Larry King: Lets take a call, shall we? I have 'Frank' on the phone, from the Bronx. Frank, are you there?

'Frank': (slurred voice, coupled with the sound of a cigarette lighter snapping shut) My question for Joe is how could you treat the Yankees the way you did? How could you do that?

Joe Torre: Well, Frank, I tried to be fair and honest in my depiction of my 12 years with the Yankees. I thought that if I could --

'Frank': Shit, I spilled Heineken on dad's rug! Awwww, hell! How could you do that to my dad, errr, George Steinbrenner? Why did you do this to us Joe? Why? Get outta here, Hal, I'm on the phone! No!, No, its not another 900 number, I swear! I --

Joe Torre: Hank, is this you?

'Frank': (dial tone)

Larry King: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joe Torre. The book hits stores on Tuesday, make sure you pick up a copy.

Joe Torre: Joe Torre wants to thank you Larry, for the appearance. Buy my book, or else I'll apply for the Red Sox gig whenever Terry Francona gets sick and tired of it!

Larry King: One last question Joe -- When you retire from baseball are you going to try for a media job? Maybe at the Ellsbury-Schilling-Papelbon-Network? Or maybe on YES?

Joe Torre: Nope and no way. Nah, I'm an old school guy, I'd like to dive into the blogosphere. The guys at It Is High have offered me a consulting position, and I'm weighing my options. I'm a big fan of Whitey Fraud, El Duque and of course Alphonso and I go way back to the Mexican Dirt Leagues. But I can't say I'm a fan of that new fella over there, the Ghost of Scott Brosius. I saw what he wrote about Cory Lidle, and if I see him in the street, Joe Torre is going to go Kyle Farnsworth on his ass!

Larry King: You heard it here. I'm Larry King, and we're out of time!


Anonymous said...

Larry King is bad at his job.

Anonymous said...

Looks like a future cage match between Shamus and Ghost.

We might have to sell tickets.

Anonymous said...

lol duque!

Anonymous said...

Excellent. You should do a sequel with questions from those fans at Mickey Mantle's. I loved the one from the guy who asked if Joe would ever run for President.