Monday, January 12, 2009

Yankeebytes: Cameron, Springsteen, Eli, Rourke

To: God
From: Confused Human Being

Dear Madam or Sir,

Hey, more snow? Thanks! It's... scenic! Yeah, that's what it is. And swarm tremors in the Grand Canyon? Interesting...

Coupla things, though...

Mike Cameron: We're actually going to acquire him, aren't we? Every other week, his name pops up again like an inflatable punching Popeye. Can you explain this? Because the baseball world wants to punish us with a salary cap, and I'm wondering, are we trying to punish ourselves instead? Are we taking this Bozo off Bud Selig's payroll to get MLB off our back? Because we're building a billionaire boys' club stadium based on a Paris Hilton economy that's turning into Tracy Chapman. My buddy just canceled his annual opening day drinking trip because a ticket costs $215. Our one cheap slot in the lineup was going to be CF, but -- hey -- not now. We're going to trade for a $10 million, .220-hitting retread who'll strike out more often than Mary Cheney at the Hill Comorah Pagent. Can you explain this? Put something in cloud writing? Did we promise CC Sabathia something that hasn't been reported?

Springsteen: You're toying with us, right? Beyond the Justins and Britneys, there was one person who wouldn't sell out, wouldn't go Hollywood, wouldn't turn Elton John on us, and now he's playing the Bridgestone-Verizon-Yoo Hoo Chocolate Drink Super Bowl halftime show. Respectfully, You should be ashamed of Yourself. It's THE Bruce Springsteen, and he'll be preening up there like Regis Seacrest in front of human crowd props - untattooed young people recruited from Disney theme parks - performing a medley of hits in advance of a Ozzie Osborn fireworks display. He used to condemn this crap. And while we're watching The Worst Thing That Ever Happened, the Terry Badshows and Michael Straythoughts will be gushing how it's the greatest thing that ever happened. Bridgestone Bruce. I guess You want to kick off the apocalypse with something especially hurtful, eh. Congratulations! You've outdone Yourself. If he mentions "Jersey," should we cheer at home?

Eli Manning: Speaking of Jersey, did You watch? He was... like the old Eli. Seriously. Fifty-year-old Eli. And later, he did his Ian Kennedy impression, talking about how the team moved the ball well. Moved the ball well? They couldn't get an inch on a QB sneak, because he stood up and raised his hand like a third-grader seeking a bathroom pass. He sounded like Rumsfeld explaining the looting of the Iraq National Art Gallery. Moved the ball well? For years, Alphonso and I have believed You have a secret agenda for NYC: For the Yankees to win, the Giants must lose. That means the Yanks win this year, right? You owe us big for that game. Christawmighty, McNabb even picked up our sideline phone and laughed into it? Was he talking to You?

Mickey Rourke: He wins the Golden Globe and thanks his pet chihauhau. One too many boxing matches, am I right?


Anonymous said...

My bad guys. I got a Wii fit for Christmas. Ive been on that thing 24/7. Ill try and get some stuff done today.

Anonymous said...

It's all my fault. I was talking to God about the Yankees' centerfield situation, and I think I said "Mike" instead of "Melk." Hence, the Cameron thing. Forgive me.

Anonymous said...

That conversation never happened She-Fan.

Lay off the sauce.