10 serious reasons why we're better off if Texas wins

Don’t get me wrong: I never root for Texas. Never. The bastards killed Kennedy. They birthed Bush. They unleashed the devil vixen Tanya Tucker, who nearly ruined Glenn Campbell. (Read his autobiograpy! I'm not kiddng!) Texas thinks its shit don’t stink. It’s the Saudia Arabia of America.

But if Texas wins it, we might as well think positive. Always look on the bright side of life: That’s my motto. The positives.

1. No place to go but down. It's hard to repeat. Ha ha, did we ever learn it! Everybody hates you. It's ace starters, booing crowds, tougher media, meddling egos. They'll tank. Good riddance.

2. Loss of hunger. They have the ring. They have nothing to prove. Get cozy. Bigger, fatter targets.

3. Can't cut the icons. They’ll have resign Michael Young for three years at some ridiculous price. When he sucks, they have to keep playing him.

4. They pay more. A ring means at least $1 million per player. Napoli will demand the moon. They have to anty up.

5. Less free agent spending. This is tricky, but after we win, I think Bud Selig secretly tells us not to buy any more free agents. (This once was called collusion.) Texas has a shitload of money because they've signed a TV deal with Rupert Murdoch. If they lose, they’ll spend lavishly, maybe go hard after CC. Win, and they’ll hold back. Because collusion is fun.

6. Crappy attendance. They can win 50 championships, but when it’s 120 degrees and the sky is raining lice, attendance is in the dozens. Once they see that doesn't change, it's gotta be demoralizing.

7. Insufferability. The country’s getting sick of Josh Hamilton's heroism and Ron Washington's homespun incoherence. Another tsunami of media crapola will create a backlash.

8. Expectations. Whatever they do, it won’t be enough.

9. It’s still a football state. They can hold the parade, but unless Tanya Tucker is on a float undressing for everybody - she's the devil incarnate; read Glenn's memoir -- the state will still stay home to watch the Cowboys.

10. We can laugh when some Cat 6 hurricane wipes that fukkin smile off their faces. Ha ha. I’m smiling, just thinking about it, because the day before it happens, Rick Perry will try to pray it out to sea. You go, girl. Meet global warming!

Oh, and maybe George W. Bush will appear at the victory parade and say, "Mission Accomplished." That'll be funny, too. Especially for all the veterans' families.