suit up seven coaches per game. No, this isn't a dream. No, this isn't The Onion. You're actually reading this, and it is actually happening. In the past, teams could only play six coaches at a time. Just six. How they managed - well - it was brutal, but they survived. Next year, seven. I swear this is true. I swear to God you're not having an acid flashback. Stephen King couldn't write a wilder plot. Next year, our under-coached Yankees can have seven.
Listen, with seven coaches, Joe Girardi can be a king of kings. Between innings, while the pitcher and catcher warm up, every player on the field can have a personal coach. If you concede that Jete, Pettitte, Mariano and Ichiro are sort of coaches - they're old enough anyway - every man in the lineup could have a coach - a confidante, therapist, father figure and 24/7 drinking buddy. Seven coaches - on a team of 38-year-olds. We should call ourselves the 50 Shades of Gray.
We are no longer limited to the subhuman poverty of pitching coach, hitting coach, first base coach, third base coach, bullpen coach and a bench coach. The wall has come down! We now can have a utility coach. Or a bunting coach. Or a rover. Many things can be coached. Base-running coach! Or maybe a second-base coach. If runners on first and third are important enough to have them, what about the runner on second? Is he second-rate? Doesn't he matter, too?
Wait a minute. A coach coach! A coach who coaches the coaches, if a coach slides into a coaching slump. Or a life coach, like that lady on The Biggest Loser. When ARod walks back to the dugout after striking out, she can get into his face and scream, "DON'T YOU GIVE UP ON ME." It works on fatties. Or wait... a first-runner up coach. The Miss America pageant has one. And in the event that a coach cannot complete his term, the first runner up would be designated to fill out the season.
Seven coaches. A magic number, seven. A magical rule change. Arod will never have to write notes to women in the bleachers. There's a coach for that. Want to calculate currency exchanges? There's a coach for that! The weather? Latest news? Record video? There's a coach for that! It's gonna be a great year.