Monday, January 7, 2013

Rafael Soriano might once again fool Cashman

Two winters ago, Rafael Soriano became a Yankee over Brian Cashman's penny-pinching objections. It was a different era.

This was back when the Steinboys were crazy-mad-loco to win - damn the shekels - because spending Yankee money was in their red hot gypsy blood. Besides, the engine oil light was flashing: The Redsocks had signed Carl Crawford and traded for Adrian Gonzalez, and even the home-fed Bronx Gammonites were giving the next two World Series to Boston. Hal and Hank vetoed Cashman's cheapo tendencies and signed Sori, the most expensive free agent available, as if they were ordering a Papa John's pizza.

Well, Sori sucked eggs in 2011 - pitching with an ERA slightly north of Chad Gaudin Country (that's 4.12, but you stalwarts shouldn't have to look it up).  But last year he averted our zombie apocalypse after Mariano hit the wall, literally and figuratively. In his two Yankee years, Sori saved 44 games... 42 in 2012. The sign of a Yankee win was Sori, the eternal slob, yanking the jersey from his pants to show off his ample behind. 

LISTEN: An entire generation of Yankee fans has never had to face the ninth inning with the kind of stomach distress Lindsay Lohan feels when power barfing in a cab.  Why? Because we had Mariano. And last year, when we suddenly didn't -  we had Sori. We've never tasted Lindsay's gin-juiced bile. The ninth inning has almost always been kind to us.

This winter, the scuttlebutt - amazingly - is that the Yankees DON'T want Soriano to accept their $13.3 million one-year option. The Gammonites are saying - (and theoretically, Cash is whispering in their ears) - that we hope Sori leaves, so we get a draft pick. Well, I'm all for draft picks, (though it might be time to start picking consensus talent rather than throwing darts at the Brackmans, Culvers and Bichettes of the world.) But seriously, do the Yankees think it's 2009, and Mariano will save 40 games?

I know, I know... it's blaspheme to question Mo. He's great! he's magnificent! he transcends time and space! yaddayadda  - but folks, he's 43. Forty-three.  If we're lucky, he'll pitch effectively when healthy - and we won't have to watch him collapse in prime time. If we're lucky, he's fresh at the end. But few closers last a season. We need a backup.

The little birdies claim Soriano over-estimated his market and won't get the $14 million multi-year deal that superagent, Super Scott Boras, promised. (Super Scott is sooooo super-2002, am I super-right?) They're saying the best deal out there might be the $13 million option. If so, this is the best news all winter -- that once again, Cash has been overruled by fate.

Which leads us to The Question: Are we really supposed to believe the Yankee front office doesn't want Soriano back? At the worst, that's 42 eighth innings. At the worst, that's a solid bullpen lugnut and a cost that will go away before 2014. And if the answer is "YES," then it leads us to the ancillary question:

Good grief, have they gone mad?


John M said...

Soriano in the 8th inning: worthless$13 million headcase.

Soriano in the 9th: priceless.

Tom said...

hey, what's a Gammonite? I thought it was the Greek chorus from Boston, led by the legendarily slanted Peter. But here I see you using it to include our erstwhile community of Yankee bloggers and apologists who try to get inside the head of Yankee management, complete with all the excuses, prevarications and fabrications necessary to support the current parsimony of the company line.