He'll break the nasal barrier. What courage! For so many years, no one stepped forward to don the strip. Damn, do we feel proud or what?
Dear God, can't you do something? Can't you twitch your nose like Samantha in "Bewitched" and turn this guy into Moose Skowron? Breath Right Nasal Strips? Have we come to this? Open-air, unrepentant shilling? It's like the scene in "Rocky" when Slyvester Stallone enters the ring wearing the logo of a local butcher shop. At least Rocky Balboa was supposed to be poor. What's Tex's excuse? Did he think nobody would notice? Did he think nobody would care?
Wow. This is like Bobby Valentine: rancid on infinite levels. You can't satire this. You can't even condemn it. Where do you start?
Well, we could ponder other possible New Year's resolutions, such as: "Hit to the opposite field during the overshift, you stupid lug!"or, "Learn to freakin' bunt!" Those would be nice. Want to be The First of something? How about being the first Yankee slugger to go a season without grounding into a double-play? I guess it's not as impressive as being the first Nasal Stripper!
Waitaminute! Here's an idea! Sell ads on the nasal strips! How about Captain Morgan! Or Budweiser! "For all you do... this snot's for you!" The Ever-Ready Bunny: "It keeps blowing and blowing and blowing..." Capital One: "What's in your nostril?" Taco Bell: "Think outside the booger..."
OK. I gotta get a grip... I like Tex. We all do. Remember last September when the guy dove headfirst into first base against Baltimore, and the drunk ump missed the play, because he was staring at some hot chick in the stands? That was Tex, playing his heart out for us. Even injured, he hit better against the Tigers than most of our guys. Give him slack. If he wants to promote nasal strips, to exercise his free speech under the U.S. Constitution, what right do we have to say no? We need Tex. And damnitall... congestion relief could be the ticket in 2013! With a clear nasal passage, he could hit .300! BREATHE EASIER, TEX! WE'LL BE WATCHING AT HOME, WEARING OUR OWN STRIPS... IN YANKEE NASAL SOLIDARITY!
It's going to be a long year.