Thursday, January 3, 2013

Mark Teixeira ushers in 2013 with a fine piece of shilling

Wow. He could become the Jackie Robinson of Breath-Right Nasal Strips.

He'll break the nasal barrier. What courage! For so many years, no one stepped forward to don the strip. Damn, do we feel proud or what?

Dear God, can't you do something? Can't you twitch your nose like Samantha in "Bewitched" and turn this guy into Moose Skowron? Breath Right Nasal Strips? Have we come to this? Open-air, unrepentant shilling? It's like the scene in "Rocky" when Slyvester Stallone enters the ring wearing the logo of a local butcher shop. At least Rocky Balboa was supposed to be poor. What's Tex's excuse? Did he think nobody would notice? Did he think nobody would care?

Wow. This is like Bobby Valentine: rancid on infinite levels. You can't satire this. You can't even condemn it. Where do you start?

Well, we could ponder other possible New Year's resolutions, such as: "Hit to the opposite field during the overshift, you stupid lug!"or, "Learn to freakin' bunt!" Those would be nice. Want to be The First of something? How about being the first Yankee slugger to go a season without grounding into a double-play?  I guess it's not as impressive as being the first Nasal Stripper!

Wow. If Old George were still ticking, he'd ram his scooter into the clubhouse over this. Remember when Bud "the Rug" Selig wanted to paint Spider-Man logos on all MLB bases for one big blockbuster weekend? George refused, and Bud's big-money plans collapsed. Would  Hal and Hank have held the line? Hard to imagine. They'd probably put Spider-Man logos on their players' Breath Right Nasal Strips. 

Waitaminute!  Here's an idea! Sell ads on the nasal strips! How about Captain Morgan!  Or Budweiser! "For all you do... this snot's for you!" The Ever-Ready Bunny: "It keeps blowing and blowing and blowing..." Capital One: "What's in your nostril?" Taco Bell: "Think outside the booger..."

OK. I gotta get a grip... I like Tex. We all do. Remember last September when the guy dove headfirst into first base against Baltimore, and the drunk ump missed the play, because he was staring at some hot chick in the stands? That was Tex, playing his heart out for us. Even injured, he hit better against the Tigers than most of our guys. Give him slack. If he wants to promote nasal strips, to exercise his free speech under the U.S. Constitution, what right do we have to say no? We need Tex. And damnitall...  congestion relief could be the ticket in 2013! With a clear nasal passage, he could hit .300! BREATHE EASIER, TEX! WE'LL BE WATCHING AT HOME, WEARING OUR OWN STRIPS... IN YANKEE NASAL SOLIDARITY!

It's going to be a long year.


Mustang said...

Teix is a fucking asshole. I'm not kidding.

Parson Tom said...

at least he hits .300 in life if not on the field.

SanJoseKid said...

It just gets worse (or, as Tex and Andruw would say, "worser"). I loved Teixera's scrappiness and occasional flare of temper. Then I followed his twitter account and saw that he was endorsing, in subtle fashion, Mitt Romney. From that moment I imagined him dancing, Mitt Romney "Gangnam Style", his arm around Paul Ryan. Come to think of it, Tex's wife had to tell him to sign with the Yankees. If you had asked my daughter at the age of three what team she wanted to play for she would have said "Yankees" without hesitation. Tex needed help deciding? So, "Breathe-Right" all you want, Tex. That way you can effortlessly dance Mitt Romney style:

Swinging Kei said...

Why would you want more air reaching your nostrils being that close to Teix at bat ? Gaaaah ! The stench ! It burns, ooooh it burns !!

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