Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Yankees aren't alone in seeking a divorce from Andruw Jones

Actually, this isn't funny.  A failed marriage is nothing to snicker over... UNLESS THE GUY HIT .210 FOR YOU LAST YEAR.  Then you have the right to prattle.

Andruw Jones is heading to Japan without...

a) A wedding ring.
b) A World Series ring.

The Murdoch Post says Andruw and his wife are calling it quits. 

I'm sorry, but I'm still smarting over the Gammonitic crap I read last winter about Andruw's renewed passion for greatness. What a joke. The story went that Andruw moved in with A-Rod in order to train himself harder than ever - so he'd come to camp looking like a lion, roiling in the greatest shape of his career, ready to play every day and forge his bronze plaque for Cooperstown. A-Rod looked like the perfect teammate. Andruw looked like a committed Yankee. Yeah, some Gammonite actually wrote that drivel. And me, yeah me... I actually believed it.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why do I do this to myself?

I vaguely remember somebody saying Andruw looked good in camp. It was probably the same Gammonite who wrote the puff piece. I remember the first time Andruw stepped to the plate in a televised spring game. I thought: Where's the tight butt? Where's the lean torso? He still looks like Charles Barkley after being left in a microwave! And that was that. Andruw played fat and slow. All year. He would waddle to the plate. Two minutes later, he would waddle back to the dugout. All year.

OK, now maybe we know the truth.  Maybe there was another reason why Andruw moved in with A-Rod. Maybe his home life sucked. I suppose we'll never know.

Either way, I hope his personal life straightens out. There's nothing funny about a failed marriage. Apparently, the guy was hitting .210 in life, as well. I hope he does better .300 in Japan. On and off the field. And maybe I'll stop believing the crap they feed us all winter... someday.


JM said...

D'Andruff's problems on and off the field can be summed up in a few words: no Breathe-Right® Nasal Strips.

Tragically, the lack of oxygen ruined his game and his home life. (The lifelong effects of having a clever mom who spelled Andrew 'creatively' should not be underestimated, either. It must have been tougher than being named 'Jhonny,' for instance, since Mr. Peralta could point to the precedent of J'onn J'onzz in DC Comics.)

D'Andruff had a very good decade in the majors and a decade-long marriage. Perhaps 10 years is some kind of limit for him, physically and emotionally. At any rate, improper breathing during his entire adult life would doubtless lead to a deterioration of both his baseball and romantic skills, the former being much more public and therefore noticed sooner by the average fan.

As a side note, we may all poke fun at Tex for endorsing Breathe-Right® Nasal Strips, but you can see from his tweet that he actually misspelled the name of the product. He left the 'e' off of 'Breathe.' After many years in the ad game, I can tell you for a fact that companies get pret-ty annoyed when someone they're paying gets the name wrong during a shill.

But before we judge him too harshly, we might look at D'Andruff's example to explain Tex's behavior: plummeting stats, poor judgment in shilling, and the inability to spell a common word--even when getting paid to.

It all adds up to--yes--oxygen deprivation. Alas, Tex may have discovered Breathe-Right® Nasal Strips a bit too late. Let's hope whatever damage has been done can be undone by the proper medicinal nose gear.

Parson Tom said...

The Breathe-Right Yankees have no place for the Drink-Heavy Andruw.