Saturday, January 19, 2013

Note to buyers of Curt Schilling's sock: First, check it for DNA

Last Sunday, we bootless and gaggle-toothed mortals of the underclass were blessed to watch the Golden Globe awards - (which should be called the Golden Calf awards) - the annual salute to human self-indulgence, second only to birthday parties given for North Korean dictators. It is an honor to watch the gods get hammered and flirt with each other - even if Redsock-leaning Ben Affleck won the big prize.

Next up: the Grammys, Oscars, Emmys and the Scranton-Wilkes Barre level awards - People's Choice, Lincoln Center, Daytime Emmys, etc. - chances for the lesser stars to preen their plumage and mate, evolving our hairless ape-species to a higher, more 90210 level. By the year 2100, because of award shows, our Hollywood stars will be genetically enhanced to include 24-pack abs, breasts like windsocks and heads the size of weather balloons.

But our pro jocks - they will be grunting, tree-necked, 500-pound Morlocks of the underworld. And they will be mercifully put to death at age 30. Because Award Season in Hollywood comes during Open Season for sports icons. Look what happened just last week:

1. Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens get Rizzutoed by the Hall of Fame selection committee. (Bill Mazeroski is in the Hall? Really?)

2. Lance Armstrong slobbers his Oprah moment after single-handedly killing the sport of cycling. (Seriously, will anybody follow the U.S. Postal cycling team ever again?)

3. Manti Te'o is exposed as, at best, a doofuss -  and, at worst, a cynical lying bastard who'd say anything to win a Heisman. (With the entire University of Notre Dame as his personal publicist.)

4. Terry Francona's new book discusses how the Redsocks owners' complained that the team needed more sex symbols. (The ratings weren't high enough.)

Listen: The NFL and the NBA are cesspools of bullshit. Hockey is dead, golf died with Tiger, and now this... 

Curt Schilling, the former Ayn Rand-professing U.S. Senate hopeful from Massachusetts, plans to sell his "bloody sock" at an auction, to pay off his $100 million debt to the taxpayers of Rhode Island. Everybody knows the legend of how Schilling pitched Boston to the championship, ending "the Curse of the Bambino" while bleeding openly from a wound.

You have to wonder: Was there ever a heartwarming story about sports that wasn't amplified 500 times by a gullible, cynical, ratings-obsessed media?

It's interesting that Deadspin broke the Te'o story. Deadspin is the junkyard dog of sports media. But we've seen what happens: Give it 20 years and a place in the press box, and history says it will be another ESPN - barely able to see the truth while submerged in its own bullshit.

Which has me wondering this morning:

Should I ever believe ANY heartstrings story about a jock, when reported by a media that makes its bread and butter from the sport?  Certainly, if Brent Musberger is telling it, the answer is no. But when the whole pretense of the media is to glom onto athletes' success, why believe anything dished out between pitches or during the Beyonce-Pepsi half-time show?

Sports is turning into the Golden Globes (which should better be called The Golden Calves.) 

Note to buyers: Check that bloody sock before writing the check. Remember those announcers who joked that it had paint? And remember what happened to the original sock? (Note: It got thrown away. The one Schilling intends to sell is a second sock he wore in a later game.)

Oh, well. Good luck in your fantasy Oscar league. I hear Whazzizname will win this year.


His Holiness Benedict IX said...

It is bad enough that Curt Schilling posed as the wounded savior, sacrificing his mortal body in order to atone for the sins of Red Sox Nation and thus lift the Curse of the Bambino. But now he is in the Holy Relic business? Didn't Schilling also claim to have used a piece of the True Cross as a bat when as an Arizona Diamondback he faced Yankee pitching in the World Series? In fact, Italian scientists, using 3-D imaging, have now affirmed that it is Curt Schilling's image burnt onto the Shroud of Turin.

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Bobby Richardson said...

Thank you, Anonymous, that is precisely my point. How could Bill Mazeroski be in the Hall of Fame but not Donnie Baseball? And if it IS true about Mazeroski, compare my 1960 World Series stats with his, And while you are at, compare the Yankees's stats with those of the Pirates in general during the 1960 World Series. Ralph Terry hangs a curveball, and a legend is born. They should have brought in Ryne Duren, who in turn should have plunked Mazeroski.