Tuesday, January 8, 2013

It’s almost Happy Hairston Day in New York City

Open the Canyon of Heroes, Bloomberg!

Prepare the Blue Angels flyover, Cuomo!

Get out the bunting for Lady Liberty, Obama!

The big day is nigh! 
    Sometime soon, from his North Pole Fortress of Solitude, none other than Scott Hairston himself will proclaim the winner of the 2013 Right-Handed Hitting Free Agent Fourth Outfielder Prize, awarding the 2013 services of none other than Scott Hairston himself to the team found to be neediest for a Right-Handed Hitting Free Agent Fourth Outfielder.
    Will it be the Yankees? The Mets? The Heartland? Tunisia? The Secret Undersea City of Glogga? The Martian plains? What lucky fans in this world (or the next one) shall get to cheer and appreciate, as Liam Neeson would say in the epic movie “Taken,”  the “certain special skills” of a Right-Handed Hitting Free Agent Fourth Outfielder.  
    It’s hard to imagine the pencil-snapping tension within the offices of Yankee Stadium today. Whenever the phone rings, hearts stop. Brian Cashman abandons his game of chess with former hotel hookup Louise Meanwell and rushes to the front desk to shout, “Is it him? Is it Scottieboy?” The receptionist, Miss Polly Bixley, shakes her head and says, “No change since ya last asked, thirty seconds ago, ya mooch.” Cashman plunges into his ergo chair. “He’s out there, waiting,” the manchild says. “That’s what right-handed hitting free agent fourth outfielders do. They just sit and wait. Talk to me, Scottieboy? HOW CAN I MAKE YOU A YANKEE RIGHT-HANDED HITTING FOURTH OUTFIELDER? HOW?”
    Tonight, as he prepares to land his private jet atop the Baxter Building, only Scott Hairston knows what he will do.  One team will the take the prize – the right-handed hitting free agent fourth outfielder. Everyone else — shall DIE!

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