Thursday, November 27, 2014

The 2015 Furious Yankee Fan Hall of Fame Ballot Sabotage Initiative

You have 10 votes. Your job is to support Yankees... and no one else. Mwa-hahahaha! So... the plan:

1. Until Roger Maris is in the Hall... no Barry Bonds, no Mark McGwire, no Sammy Sosa... no sluggers whatsoever. (From now on, HR stands for Human Resources.) This is your ironclad rule of life, the first thing you tell strangers on the street. Without Roger, there is no Cooperstown. When people mention "The Hall," you assume they are talking about Mel Hall.

2. Don't waste a vote on the Big Unit. He's a lock. Besides, in his career, he did far more to hurt the Yankees than help us.

3. Don't bother with Sheffield. We never won with him - though he did take a punch for us from that Boston fan at Fenway - and he's going to fall short.

4. No need to discuss Pedro and Schilling, right? On the day Ron Guidry goes in, we'll think about Pedro.

5. Ditch Roger Clemens as a protest against steroids. Thus, in years to come, he shall function as our excuse to deny other accused cheats - most notably, Big Papi.

6. Allan Biggio and Craig Trammell? Seriously, who cares? We need to find hardcore Astros and Tigers fans willing to swap a vote for their heroes in exchange for supporting Don Mattingly. Even so, Donnie may come up short until he manages a World Series champion, a la Joe Torre. Therefore... we have one surgical strike this year.

6. Out of 10 votes, leave nine blank. One name goes on the ballot: Mike Mussina.

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