Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Idea of the day: "Give every kid in high school that throws harder than 90 mandatory surgery. I mean we give them glasses or braces right? Why not a nice surgery. The male equivalent of breast implants."

This from the artist Urban Farmer, formerly known as DutchFan, filed in the comments section, (which should be required reading, but I suspect some may miss.)

"By now it is safe to say that a pitcher is a person that is waiting for TJ-surgery.
Sometimes i grab hold of a baseball I have lying around and try some grips. Confessing I have smallish, soft and tender hands, the grip in itself is an effort and a strain on your muscles. 

(Note: Trump hand-size mockery is prohibited on this site. As a matter of public decency, we do not ridicule anyone for the size of their unfortunate, tiny fingers.)

Secondly, all kids throw 95+ these days and on top of that rotate the wrist and elbow and shoulder (independently in the most successful cases) exerting huge forces on the ligaments and joints. An average person cannot keep this up for a very long time before getting injured and ultimately having an appointment in the operating theatre.

(Note spelling of "theatre," in case you doubted that he's really filing from overseas. With that level of detail, it's clear that we would never be able to pull off such a hoax.)

So why are young pitchers not brought up much quicker than is the case now. Especially in relief, where you need 2 different pitches to get 6 outs.

Or, give every kid in high school that throws harder than 90 mandatory surgery. I mean we give them glasses or braces right? Why not a nice surgery. The male equivalent of breast implants. Of course, mainly the rich will gain from this, because they can afford it for their sons.

(I believe this this should become a banner component of the exciting new Republican health care initiative: 

All teens who can throw 86-to-90 mph - I tweaked the radar numbers slightly, but the Congressional Budget Office review should decide this - would be considered to have a "pre-existing condition," that is, a future blown out elbow. The government should cover TJ surgery, automatically, without these poor kids having to wait for the ligaments to fry. 

This move, of course, will not cover illegal aliens, who slip through our borders and purposely throw 95 mph, just to blow out their arms and make the U.S. taxpayers foot the bill. They will be sent to Venezuela, regardless of where they originally come from.

Newly reconstructed elbows will be a win-win for American youth, and even if they fail to make it as major leaguers, it will help youngsters hold up better while working in the coal mines!) 


KD said...

I'm sure there must be high tech materials available to completely replace that ligament with something space age. Heck maybe even shredded radial tires would do. The time has arrived for bionic elbows. The future demands no less.

Jesse Orosco said...

the most abundant and high tech material available for the replacement ligaments are the shredded hard drives from KILLERY'S Klintons garage computer servers.
hey maybe have the Team of Doctors that help her walk to and from the Limo perform the surgery.

Leinstery said...

Finally the nightmare is over. It took some powerful forces to break the streak, and I can pinpoint exactly what did it. Sometime in the 8th inning when they were up by six runs I could here John and Suzyn talking to someone in the booth. I thought it was odd that the broadcast had basically become dead air with bits and pieces of a conversation going on. Then, light from God himself shone through the radio as John alerted us that Roger Clemens was in John and Suzyn's box. 10 years later, and Roger was once again in a box at Yankee Stadium. Of all the dramatic things, finally we had something powerful enough to end this madness.

Never underestimate the power of Roger+Suzyn.

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

An astute observation by @Leinstery. Especially the deeper meaning and impact of His appearance. I failed to recognise the magnitude because my farmer's mind was focusing on the business at hand and thus on Clippard trying to throw the game.
I totally agree, this is a very significant moment in 2017 history.
Probably the zen approach helped create this defining incident. We created spiritual space and peace for Him to be His benevolent Self.


Anonymous said...

First of all, there had better NOT be any mockery of short appendages on this Site - - or I'll send my Cousin Herman for a little talk with the transgressor (you think Judge is big, you don't even wanna' cross Herman).

Second, I am adamantly opposed to breast implants - - except as reconstructive surgery. Terrible mistake for healthy normal women.

Third, Roger Clemens is powerful Reverse JuJu, indeed - - but he cannot be used often, or he will corrupt the whole team.

Fourth, my man Joey Blue-Binders, I now realize, is so kind-hearted that when we are blowing out the other team, he deliberately puts in the worst choice we have, so that they can catch up and will not be humiliated.

Fifth, I suggest there is MUCH more high-tech material available from the Russian hackers and money-launderers, than in anything Hillary ever touched.

Sixth, I assert my position as another urban farmer - - since I grew up in a tiny town in Iowa, and there were farms on all four sides of me, within no more than a half-mile in any direction...and I, of course, as a big, strong, strapping lad (albeit with stubby fingers - - which seriously hindered my piano-playing career) was constantly dragooned to work in the fields, for $1.25 per hour. There isn't a farm animal I haven't touched, herded or smelled (but don't get any salacious ideas - - I'm not a pervy, like Some People's Kids (I'm looking at YOU, Bosox!!) LB (No J)

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

@LB(No J): the Dutch connection is strengthening. Thinking of Iowa I see "Pella-Dutch" speakers chewing drop in the shadow of the windmill.

Anonymous said...

As I said previously, UF formerly known as DF, I am married to a woman of pure Dutch extraction - - emigrants of prob. late 19th century to South Holland, IL., so I do know a bit about Dutch. I also know that the ones who moved over here were probably begged to leave Holland, because most of them are no danged fun at all (my lovely spouse excepted).

Yup, Pella is in my native state - - so is Dordt College - - many Dutch in the NW corner of the state, too...

My own ancestors came from Schleswig-Holstein, and from Friesland - - so they were likely neighbors of your ancestors. Cheers! LB (No J)

John M said...

This is a heartwarming collection of comments. Cementing good Iowa-Netherlands relations, reaffirming the mystic gifts of John and Suzyn, reminding panicky Infowars loons that Russia trumps all of the fictional disinformation about the evil just made me feel good.

My fingers are not as large as I'd like them to be, either, but I got by on the keyboards because I have shovels for palms.

KD said...

Agree this was a great thread. I now have a renewed admiration for big-hearted Joey Binders. In fact, I'll bet the entire Cali road trip was an atonement for the terrible thumping we had just given Birds..