Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Cashman to Yankiverse: Money doesn't grow on trees!

"Well, I nevah!"

So spake the brain trust of the Yankees yesterday, as Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman put to rest once and for all those disgusting rumors that Bryce Harper might end up in pinstripes this winter. Not. Gonna. Happen. And it's about time!

Listen-up, people: Of course the Yankees would love to have Bryce Harper. Who wouldn't? We all want to sleep in fancy linens, dab our faces with the best French make-up, and wear the most comfortable Italian shoes. But those things cost money... and the Yankees don't have any!

I can't believe the way some of you whine and caterwaul about how the Yankees should sign this guy or that guy. Oh, you want Patrick Corbin. Boo-hoo, he's gone to the Nats. Oh, you want Nathan Eovaldi. Boo-hoo, the Redsocks got him. You want to spend millions of dollars on these players, and just where do you think that money is coming from? Does it fall from the heavens? Does it gurgle up from the ground? No, it comes from good-hearted Hal Steinbrenner, our benefactor, from his own personal savings account! And instead of complaining all the time, maybe you should shut up and pay this well-meaning man a little goddamm respect.

Do you think Hal Steinbrenner is made of money? Because... news flash: He's a person, just like you and me. He's not made of solid gold. He has to balance his checkbook just like the rest of us, and sometimes that means eating scrapple instead of the porterhouse steak, and right now, the Yankees simply cannot afford those high-priced free agents who think their poop is beef tartar. 

It's about time somebody says, NO! GO AWAY! WE'RE NOT PAYING YOU! WE WON'T BE HELD FOR RANSOM!

Remember: If "if's" and "buts" were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas!

But it's not. And the Yankees cannot afford Bryce Harper. In fact, they may not be able to afford Didi Gregorius! Did you know that Sir Didi - (that's what he's taken to calling himself) - won't be able to play for months, and yet he is expecting a raise in pay? You try doing that. Go to your boss, tell him you plan to take six months off, and then demand a raise. See what happens. Yes, lovable Didi, who has been such a joy all this time... but he's not doing it out of love for the Yankees. He wants big money! He won't be happy until he holds Hal upside down and shakes the last coins out of the poor owner's trousers. 

Aaron Judge, too. Oh, I hate to burst your Christmas balloons, but wait and see. He's got the best job in New York - wouldn't we give anything to play RF for the Yankees? I bet he can walk into any bar and get a free drink. (Maybe even more!) But don't let that sweet, innocent, Pepsi-selling smile fool you. He's going to want money! And if Judge doesn't get it, he'll leave! 

Frankly, it's a wonder Hal puts up with this crap. He doesn't need to. He could sell the team, walk away with a tidy profit, and he'd never again have to hear people whining about signing somebody for some ridiculous price! And where would we be then? Without an owner, then there would be no Yankees. Would you be satisfied then? 

I say it's time we be a little less greed and a little more gratitude for the bountiful gifts we receive as Yankee fans. To Cooperstown Cashman and the Halligator, who are holding the line on player salaries, I say: "Thank you, sirs, may I have another! Don't waste one more thin dime on this ungrateful fan base. Let other teams overspend. In 2019, we're going to win the World Series of Fiscal Integrity! Yay, team! Best owner ever! Yip-yip-yip, yahooo!

14 comments:

JM said...

God, I hate the people who own and run this team.

Yes, Harper is completely unnecessary. Better to have Gardner and Hicks. And Harper at first? Oh, Mr. Cashman thinks that's just silly. Why would we want that?

I mean, outfielders are not on his "shopping list." Unlike fat-free yogurt and Crisco.

But with Didi not expected back until July or August, he's still talking to Machado's people. Because, I mean, there's a "need" there. But signing a guy for 10 years and bazillions of dollars doesn't exactly smell like a fill-in for Didi, now, does it?

But we don't need Harper. Nahhh. Not even as a first baseman. Because, I mean, we have Bird and Voit. Why replace one of them with Harper? Nahhhh.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

My hate for these owners keeps surprising me, just when I think I've totally maxed out, they take it to the next level. I agree with John M, and I'm hoping hoping hoping this is actually just a rope-a-dope move to actually Harper,,,,, BTW, why not send Giancarlo Scranton to the Mets for suuurly Syndergaaaard, instant opening!

TheWinWarblist said...

Fuckfuckfuvkfuckfuuuuucvckk ...

13bit said...

It has finally become a Dolan situation. Or - let me correct myself - it HAS been for a while, but we were all in denial.

I just hope that someone new buys the team while I'm still alive. Hal doesn't give a shit.

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KD said...

now I feel ashamed of myself for all the terrible things I've said about Hal. It can't be easy maximizing profits, year in and year out. One slip of the pen and there goes the new yacht. One poorly conceived signing and fans will need to pay more for beer. And then he has to listen to all that incessant whining. "Why is beer 12 bucks? what a rip off!" These so-called fans don't appreciate anything. So irritating.

anyone got Hal's address? A Christmas card from me might cheer him up, especially if I put in that $25 Bed Bath and Beyond gift card I got for the wife. I'm sure Hal needs it more than her.

Anonymous said...

Just an FYI

Late last night (on West Coast)MLB Trade Rumors was all about trading for Thor or DeGrom with Mets/Marlins

https://www.mlbtraderumors.com/2018/12/mets-yankees-marlins-in-talks-on-three-team-deal.html

Now it's https://www.mlbtraderumors.com/2018/12/yankees-open-to-moving-miguel-andujar.html

I guess it all depends on the return and signing Machado. If they do this and sign Machado it is, amazingly, an upgrade. Same to better offense and way better defense at 3B and still young. That said, I really like AnDUjar.

Doug K.

13bit said...

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Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


I learn all kinds of things reading this blog. Today, I discovered that Hal Steinbrenner has a horrible, terrible, not-at-all-good digestive/bowel movement problem.

It couldn't happen to a more wunnerful rich guy.

Instead of Christmas cards, let's send the guy a few truckloads of broccoli.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Thank you, Duque, for once again reminding us of how much we have to be thankful for this Christmas season.

Some of these "fans," why, next thing you know, they'll be asking for a whole day off on Christmas like that awful Bob Cratchit. (Hal would've canned his ass on Dec. 26th, visits or no visits from a bunch of bothersome spirits.)

Anonymous said...

LED BY HALIGATOR AND COOP CASHMAN, I AM FULL OF HOLIDAY HATE RIGHT NOW.

INSTEAD OF KEEPING THINGS SIMPLE AND JUST GOING THE EXTRA YEAR ON J. HAPP OR KEUCHEL WHICH WOULD COST HAL COUCH CUSHION MONEY, HE IS HOPING COOP CAN "SAVE" HIM MONEY, BY INSTEAD MAKING TRADES, WHICH LONG-TERM, PROBABLY RUINS THE TEAM.

WE ARE PONDERING GIVING OUR CLUTCH, HOME GROWN, 23 YEAR OLD 3RD BASEMAN, WITH 47 DOUBLES, 23 HOMERS AND 97 RBI AND NEAR .300 AVERAGE, FOR A BIG DOUCHEBAG OF A PITCHER, WHO DOES HAVE THE IMPRESSIVE GUN READINGS, BUT ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE 1 HIT AWAY FROM DISASTER IN ALMOST EVERY START I WATCH. (I DESPISE THE METS, SO I KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON HIM).- HE PUTS TOO MANY GUYS ON BASE AND DOESN'T HOLD RUNNERS ON WELL-AND THAT'S IN THE NATIONAL LEAGUE.

ON TOP OF THIS, WE ARE GOING TO MAKE THE METS STRONGER BY ENABLING THEM TO GET A PLAYER THEY HAVE NO WAY TO OBTAIN UNLESS SOMEONE STUPID LIKE US, HELPS THEM.

COOP JUST NEVER GETS THE RIGHT PITCHER FOR US, IT'S AMAZING.

THE REASON?...IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE.

HE KEEPS REACHING FOR THE N.L. PITCHERS.

IT'S LIKE COOP IS STILL THINKING IT'S THE 7O'S, WHEN THE NL RULED WITH BOB GIBSON AND JUAN MARICHEL.

MERRY SNOT-BLOWING CHRISTMAS.



HoraceClarke66 said...

The other problem with Harper is, he hits from the wrong side of the plate.

Everyone knows that all Yankees are expected to hit from the right side. Harper hits from the left, or "incorrect" side, as Hal calls it.

A left-handed power hitter in Yankee Stadium? Are you insane??

A Canadian Yankees fan said...

Home grown is all right with me
Home grown is the way it should be
Homegrown is a good thing
Plant that bell and let it ring!

Keep Miggy!!

TheWinWarblist said...

None of them give a shit.

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