Wednesday, December 5, 2018

This winter, Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner may be showing his smoking saw

For most baseball general managers, you never look bad finishing second in a free agent auction. The "winning" franchise always overpays, and your lunch-bucket fan base - if such a thing still exists - appreciates frugality. 

So, today, having been outbid by the DC Swamp-Gnats for Patrick "Yankee fan" Corbin, the Retrieval Empire can proclaim to the world that - by finishing second - it is looking out for the fan's bottom line, and any Gammonite who can utter the syllables "Jah-co-be-Ells-bar-ee" should understand.

But the question remains: Are the Yankees being smart... or cheap?

Yesterday, Corbin chose crisp U.S. dollars over soggy childhood loyalty. Frankly, nobody can criticize. The Yankees refused to give him six years, and he invoked the "I gotta feed my family" mantra to which almost all players succumb. But I wonder why they do this. They should be set for life, financially. By chasing contractual longevity, they are guaranteed to finish their careers as fiscal millstones - mocked by sportswriters, booed by fans, and blamed by the front office for the franchise's mediocrity. This isn't about feeding families. It's about adding zeroes. In the year 2025 - if man is still alive, if woman can survive - they will find that Corbin is pariah, a human salary dump. He might have become an icon of New York. But he blinked and took the zeroes.

With five years left on his deal, Robby Cano is being passed around like a plate of bad clams. In the final year, to avoid being booed, the Jogger should live in a submarine. And whenever Cano struggles with the Mets, Hand-Me-Down Hal will look smart for having said no. 

Listen: I'm not here to rail against the Yankees for failing to land Corbin. There are other pitchers available. Just as you cannot judge a trade until the prospects have matured - (these winter celebrations have yet to consider the future of Justus Sheffield) - you cannot measure a winter before the winter meetings have even begun. 

But today, one huge question still looms: Is Hal going to spend? Because if the answer is no - if he's going to be an "billionaires first" owner and toe the line on luxury taxes - it's fair for Yankee fans to ask what the fuck he intends to do with all that money he saves?

Will Hal buy another mansion? Will he re-elect Trump or burrow further into Chuck Schumer's aorta? Will he just eat coins until his bowels shit pure gold? How many times can he renovate Steinbrenner Field? How many statues of Old George can he commission? Hal has inherited one of the prolific ATMs on the planet, the biggest market team in all of U.S. pro sports. If he's not spending on free agents, if he's going to use the luxury tax as an excuse for his alligator arms, then what is he going to do with all that extra money? Fuck Trump's tax returns; we'll never see them. But I'd sure like to see Hal's. 

Yesterday, Randy Levine idiotically claimed the Yankees are as good as the Redsocks. What planet is he living on? We haven't reached the world series in 10 years. We are approaching the most fruitless decade in Yankee history. The Redsocks have won four in this millennium - going through three GMs - while the Yankees seemingly have given Brian Cashman a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court. 

If the Yankees aren't going to spend their money on free agents, then where is it going?

11 comments:

KD said...

if Hal refuses to spend on free agent talent, he'll surely give back to fans. after all, it's the fans that've made him rich. Hal knows this instinctively! 50 cent beers, 75 cent hot dogs, $20 box seats, free parking.. the list can go on. he's a man of the people, you can tell by his kind face and demeanor. such a smile. warms my heart!

one thing he WON'T do is invest heavily in English soccer clubs. No, sir. Ain't gonna happen. that would be entirely too redsockian.

Anonymous said...

First Ohtani, now Corbin. Hell and cASSman have destroyed the Yankees. Nobody wants to play for them!

Anonymous said...

You Gotta Have Cash!

A few threads back Carl was pulling my leg about doing a remake of Damn Yankees. It kind of stayed with me so with no apologies what so ever I present Damned Yankees.

WE OPEN, NOT IN THE SENATORS LOCKER ROOM, BUT IN THE 2018 NEW YORK YANKEES BOARDROOM. PRESENT ARE HAL, BRIAN, LONN TROST and RANDY LEVINE.

Brian Cashman: Gentlemen we just lost out on Corbin. He wanted a sixth year can you imagine?

Hal: What did you say?

Brian: I said, how dare you sir!

Levine: We’re as good as the Sox anyway!

Hal: Better, because we are the ultimate winners!

Brian: Why’s that Hal?

HAL:
You’ve gotta have cash.
Wads and wads and wads of cash.
Doesn’t matter if the team ever wins.
Our season ends and begins… with cash!

BRIAN:
We must make the green. Een-een-een
In amounts that are obscene. Een-een-een.
Who cares if the fans all feel ill?
We did three mil.
That’s green.

HAL:
Just give the fans hope. Ope-ope-ope.
Then bend them over for the soap. Ope-ope-ope.
Tell them all to just sit back and relax
We've reset the tax. That's hope.

LEVINE:
Build a Bar out in the Bleachers

ALL:
Ha-ha- ha.

TROST:
Charge them twenty bucks a brew.

ALL:
Hoo-hoo-hoo.

LEVINE:
And price out the bleacher creatures.

ALL:
Ha-ha-ha.

TROST:
Cause they can’t afford to sue.

HAL:
There’s nothing to it we should do it.

ALL:
Watch us gloat Oat-oat-oat…

LEVINE:
Say, why don’t we build a moat? Oat-oat-oat.

BRIAN:
Oh, it's fine to win the series of course
But keep all those fans under the lash
First we gotta make cash.

HAL:
So, you say we need a pitcher?

ALL:
Who? Who? Who?

HAL:
What’s the frugal thing to do?

ALL:
Hoo-hoo-hoo.

HAL:
I mean what will make me richer?

ALL:
Hmm-hmm-hmm.

BRIAN:
Sign a guy whose forty-two.
There’s nothing to it, we should do it.


ALL
We make cash.
Piles and piles and piles of cash.
Doesn’t matter if the Sox pass us by.
As long as we try…
For cash.

LEVINE:
Who minds those pop bottles flyin'?

TROST:
The hisses and the boos.

HAL
The team has been consistent.

BRIAN:
Let’s start spreading the news…

ALL:
That we're laughin' cause... We've got cash!
We've got cash... We've got cash!

Doug K.

Carl J. Weitz said...

Doug...we need to find a producer! :)

JM said...

Doug, you've topped yourself.

Broadway here we come!

KD said...

I want opening night tickets. don't even need to be comped. I'll pay!

Retired Stratman said...

Thanks for this, Doug. Made my day :)

KD said...

now watch the Yanks move to sign Happ, another old pitcher on his way south. let's face it. we've been lied to for years about the need to get under the luxury tax so that more talent can be purchased. we just passed on the best lefty pitcher available that seemed born to play at The Stadium. might as well keep Gray now and pitch him only in away games.

I swear, if they don't now go large on a pitcher like Kluber, I don't know how I can root for Hal's man-purse next season.

TheWinWarblist said...

I hate them all fucking so much.

HoraceClarke66 said...

This SHOULD be time perfectly.

Yanks go under the luxury tax limit...in the SAME offseason when two free agents of the caliber of Harper and Machado become available at the age of just 25, for the first time ever.

The planets aligned! The moon is in the seventh house! And it's the dawning of the age of...the Red Sox.

I will never forgive this.

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