To catch their crosstown rival Mets in the 2023 Tankathon, the Wankees Yankees, over the next six weeks, must go totally cold - Oppenheimer's absolute zero - virtually halting the vibrational movement of their atomic particles in Scranton.
It won't be enough to give up five runs at the start and then record only one hit off a journeyman sluggo, as they wondrously did last night.
Hell, anyone can disgrace themselves against the best team in baseball. This weekend, we host Boston, a team of sinkholes with barely a puncher's chance at the final wild card participatory ribbon.
Boston has the LF we should have signed last winter, the pitcher we should have protected two years ago, and Chris Sale, whom they obtained for the Cuban prospect we long ago should have outbid them to secure.
But but BUT... we have one thing they don't have.
The Starr Insurance Arm Patch!
Yes, Starr Insurance, our partner for the next years, along with Giancarlo Mendoza.
Who does not love the Starr story? Did you know that Corneilius Vander Starr opened his first insurance company in Shanghai, back in 1919? Well, now, you do. Let's hope Hal has Starr policies for his homes and boats, so he won't sink with this team.
So, with six weeks to play, sitting at .500, what should the Yankees do?
I say... STAND PAT!
The Yankees are hapless, toothless, punchless and directionless - (unless you consider "downward.") This team can easily lose 10 straight to fellow tomato cans. Frankly, we have one option: Root against them.
This team has already done the impossible: It's made me feel sorry for Aaron Boone. Night after night, the poor man gets thrown before the cameras to make sad excuses for players who are either dead as gravel or who just do not give a wiz anymore. Boone's regular hostage videos will be his legacy. He knows he's gone, come October, the scapegoat to this humiliation. The one question remaining: Will he crack? Will he start belching obscenities, shaving with the microphone and swiveling his head 360, like Linda Blair in her pajamas?
If the Yankees continue to slide, maybe the angst will rise beyond Boonie. Maybe Hal will feel a pang of discomfort. Some night at The Club, maybe the Commodore will idly mention it, causing Hal to break into a sweating spell. Maybe, he'll find a loogie on his windshield, or a flaming turd on his doorstep, or he'll wonder if the clams - all still tightly shut - might be undercooked?
At least Steve Cohen tried to buy respectability for his Mets. Over the last decade, Hal has played a parlor game - seeking to spend just enough for the Yankees to contend, but to never go overboard, never cutting into the full inheritance.
Nope, this team needs to lose. And why not? It surely has insurance.
Posts
16 comments:
It figures that as soon as the Yankees sign on with an ageing Starr they begin to lose prodigiously.
It begs the question:
Who will be fired first Aaron Boone or the executive at Starr who thought that doing the arm patch would be great exposure for the company?
My vote goes for Boone - because the 25 million per year agreement with Starr goes beyond just the arm patch and one executive.
The deal with STARR will insure that the STARR brand will be everywhere within the Yankees Universe for years to come (about seven years to be exactish)
Stupid
Terrible
Awful
Rancid
Retreads
Can't we just default the rest of our games and be done with this already?
Or at least DFA Severino.
FanGraphs now have the Yanks at 2.9% chance of making the playoffs...0.0 is on our radar...
Loved the Linda Blair comparison. No, Boone won't crack. He's too good a company man for that, thinking always of the nice broadcast booth job he can have back if he just keeps his mouth shut.
Or maybe, selling insurance for Starr!
Hey, Rizzo walked on an incline treadmill! Our season is saved!!
But I do like this line: "Rizzo also told Marakovits that team doctors advised him not to do any jumping or jerking movements at this time."
Over to you, Meredith.
Who the fuck is Empire Sports Media? Who or whatever it is...
"While the Yankees’ decision to trade Sanchez might have been strategic, it’s heartening to witness his reinvigorated form. Boasting a .222 average, .302 OBP, 24.1% strikeout rate, 9.4% walk rate, and 120 wRC+, his numbers might seem standard. But it’s his .513 slugging percentage, bolstered by 16 homers and 40 RBIs, that demands attention. Sanchez brings to the catcher position an element rarely seen: a formidable power bat.
Although past performances hint at this being a temporary spike in form, the rejuvenation of a former Yankee, after a period of inconsistency, is indeed gratifying. Notably, several players who depart the Yankees seem to flourish elsewhere, possibly due to reduced pressures and a conducive environment."
Austin Wells 474 ft HR for SWB last night…
Big whoop. He can join Giancarlo on the bench
Who in their right mind would want to manage this team after they fire Max Headroom? The present is a mess and the future looks even worse. And who would want to work with that crash test dummy running the franchise?
I'm all in favor of a drop, a big drop in the standings - the Yankees are at mediocrity right now and I say, why stop there? We could easily surpass Cleveland and Anaheim, but let's aim for Detroit!
I'm thinking 18-24 the rest of the way. Let's get the kind of draft position so the boy genius can make bad choices that he can let languish in Florialand forever, or trade them for some has been.
JM - RiZZZZo's doctors also advised him not to give interviews because of the immense brain power required to formulate then try provide coherent responses.
Every uhm and, uh. . . uh could set RiZZZZo's recovery time back by months . . .
That’s why Rizz was interviewed by She-Hulk
Rizz every time they capture his ass during a game cutting up like a clown...I wanna fuckin toss my phone....wtf is so funny while your team is getting they asses handed to em on the regular
I've been cordially invited to post here, and typically I have nothing to say.
Joe, when you’re making millions to stand around and do nothing, everything is hysterical.
I’d be laughing my ass off too
Well, he did survive cancer. Maybe that makes him so happy. Which I'm all for. I just wish we'd signed Freddie Freeman instead.
Post a Comment