Yep, at long last, the lords of baseball have answered our prayers - a 13-minute, fifth inning cigarette break so Toronto's own New Jersey's own Jonas Brothers could "sing" a song - (it had the disturbing feel of a lip-synch) - and raise money for a cause.
Look, I got nothing against the Jonas boys (Yank fans, by the way.) It's exposure, if not a paying gig. If they didn't do it, the Backstreet Boys would have. It was part of MLB's "Stand Up to Cancer" campaign, which baseball has run since 2008.
In the war on cancer, it's hard not to be righteous. I hate being cynical, but how can we not think that, somehow, somewhere in the fine print, Rob Manfred has conjured up a sweet tax write-off, while preening his bona fides as a good Samaritan. That's what Bond villains do. In this case, they stop the game for still shots of Lou Gehrig and Jackie Robinson, and bask in their willingness to fight a forever battle.
Next fall (after the Dodgers win their third straight?) MLB will need all the good ink it can summon - as the owners and players kill the 2027 season in a labor dispute.
So... no Bad Bunny? No Bruce? Where was Taylor Swift? Does she like cancer? I mean, come on... the Jonas Brothers? And where's the marching band? If Cleveland made the series, maybe the Buckeyes could have performed March Ohio, with Manfred as the final dot on the i?
Finally, by adding a halftime, didn't MLB undermine the rhythm of the game?
They created a first half and a second half. It probably didn't affect the outcome. (Toronto couldn't hit Yamamoto with tennis rackets.) But once again, it shows that the lords of the game don't really believe in their product. The world series needs a rock band. It needs a showboat cause. It needs a halftime show to sells more soda, more smart phones - (Jeez, did Jeff Bridges need another lake house?) and more betting parlays.
We should be glad - GLAD! - that the Yankees aren't lending their pristine brand name to this disgrace.
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It's not a question of belief so much as they don't CARE about their product. In this sense, Hal fits right in with the rest of them.l When you shit on tradition, as Aristotle once said, tradition will eventually shit on you.
Amen, Duque! And Amen, Bitty. And actually, I think you're both right:
—They don't believe in their product. Every single suggestion Rob Manfred makes shows that the thinks baseball is boring and slow.
—They don't care about their product...as long as if keeps bringing in bigger bucks...
...The whole "Stand Up to Cancer" is a loathsome charade. Anthropomorphizing cancer is not idiotic, it comes dangerously close to asserting that cancer victims who die just aren't brave enough.
For that matter, we had a president who wanted to make curing cancer a major national objective. The American people didn't give a shit: "Bring back the orange monkey who performs 24/7"!
...To pressure an entire audience to publicize what are probably the most painful and traumatic experiences of their lives—the life-and-death struggles of themselves or their loved ones—is grotesque beyond words.
It's not as though cancer is some deep, dark secret that we've hidden away for years, like, say, venereal disease, or forcing gay people into a closet. We know all about cancer.
The only way this "campaign' would be even vaguely effective would be if people in the stadium held up signs with the names of elected officials who voted to shrink our health budgets, or to further RFK Junior's campaign to Bring Back the Voodoo.
But that sort of thing is never going to happen. The strutting asses who own the awful entity known as "MLB" need all of the compromised public officials they can get to keep loading billions on top of their billions.
It occurs to me that a more honest halftime show would have been for the owners to do a "Stand Up to the Players' Union" display.
Really, my hope is that the fight over the new basic agreement ends in nuclear annihilation. No MLB after 2026 is now my fondest wish.
Somebody and something will fill all these luxurious new stadiums. I can't wait to see what it will be!
Oh, and my pick for this year: Dodgers in five. Because we're in hell.
PREACH, HOSS!!!!’
Amen, Hoss! Spot on, as always!
Hoss "if people in the stadium held up signs with the names of elected officials who voted to shrink our health budgets, or to further RFK Junior's campaign to Bring Back the Voodoo", that's just brilliant!
How can we find a cure for cancer if we're cancelling scientific research, going back to the Stone Ages for witch doctor treatments? Hell, America can't even stop measles. All kinds of highly contagious and exotic tropical diseases and exotic tropical insects & vermin are exploding due to vaccine denial and global warming. And RFK (who talks like he has several stones in his mouth and whose skin color looks like he's dying of blight) just keeps on ripping them vaccines - all whilst his own children have apparently received all their inoculations.
All the craziness going on in America kinda looks a lot like the craziness with Yankee management. Insanity, incompetence, greed & nepotism all bundled up in one giant ball of vermin.
Hoss (and El Duque) - They should stop T-Mobile Game Three and let the two of you speak for the 13 Minutes. We'd be better off as a country and you would be just as effective at curing cancer as last night's performative bullshit.
"..To pressure an entire audience to publicize what are probably the most painful and traumatic experiences of their lives—the life-and-death struggles of themselves or their loved ones—is grotesque beyond words."
This x1000!!!!
More writers and talking heads should be calling this out and making that point.
Have ya'll ever seen such a bunch of fat guys on one baseball team?
Vlad "the Impaler" Guerrero, with a butt bigger than two fifty pound rice sacks, making a catch on a pop-up, then falling on his ass. Remember that quote from the movie "Apocalypse Now" about why everyone on the helicopter is sitting on his steel helmet? "So you don't get your balls shot off." Well, Fat Dracula don't need to worry 'bout that. His big ass will absorb bullets like a pig's fat against venomous snakebites.
Vlad shoulda been a paratrooper. If his chute fails, all he has to do is to fall straight down on his ass. It's big enough to cushion his fall & keep him safe.
Who's do ya think weighs more? Fat Dracula or Alejandro Kirk? If the two of them stood on a scale together, I don't think they make a scale that can take take both of their weights. You'd need a giant steel balance, with an 18 wheeler shipment of gold from Fort Knox as the counterweight.
It got me thinkin' 'bout all the fat guys we've seen play baseball over the years. Some good, some not so good. But all of 'em a colorful eyefull. Greg Luzinsky, remember that guy? Steve Balboni; Cecil Fielder & his son, Prince Fielder; C.C. Sabathia. How many more fat ballplayers can you name (without resorting to a google search)?
Greatness here today, without a doubt.
We should all flip . . . the bird at MLB.
Thank god Joe Buck wasn't a participant.
Babe Ruth
https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fstatic.wixstatic.com%2Fmedia%2Fcd4911_9b2df0d9165641d9bc4064e9ba847c35~mv2.jpg%2Fv1%2Ffill%2Fw_600%2Ch_650%2Cal_c%2Cq_85%2Cenc_auto%2Fcd4911_9b2df0d9165641d9bc4064e9ba847c35~mv2.jpg&f=1&nofb=1&ipt=95cbe9b3da880b3e0491907c94c48eef6a687188d91e99a1bac12dbb105cee85
Bartolo Colon - To be fair I stumbled into it looking for a picture of fat Babe Ruth to link to but that doesn't make him any thinner.
Mickey Lolich because now I'm thinking about pitchers.
Godammit, we shoulda got Yamamoto. He's probably the best pitcher in baseball right now. HAL didn't wanna beat the top offer. Woulda been kinda fun to see if Yamamoto woulda gone for the top offer if the Yankees had blown away the Dodgers. He signed for 325 with the pickpockets, right? What if HAL had offered 475 mill? Would that have done the trick?
Maybe the Dodgers have to pay him even more to get him. If you're not going to get the player because he's got a set destination, at least you can drive up the price your competition pays. Hell, offer 525 mill, get the Dodgers to match. That should end their ability to sign more Japanese players for quite some time. But Foodstamps HAL had to be runner up (or second runner up) because he wouldn't be able to afford the catering bill for the pre-game meals.
What the fuck was that with the Jonas Bros? A trio of alley cats howlin' at the moon from the splinters in their asses whilst sittin' on top o' the backyard fence woulda sounded more interestin'.
Ah yes, Bartolo Colon. A-Rod's favorite pinata. How could I forget that big behind? Do Do Do Do ... Bada bing - bada bing - bada bing - bum
Brian and Hal have perfected the art of getting you just close enough to the point of climax and holding you there. In the world of gay hustlers - and I do NOT say this from personal experience - this is called "edging." We are always JUST THIS CLOSE to closing the deal, but it never happens.
Vladdy the Fatty and Kirk should lobby management to get Raleigh, whatever the cost. Pick up a few overweight pitchers, and they change the team name to the Toronto Tubbies. Think of the giveaway nights, "action" figures of the Most Valuable Eaters as Teletubbies. The special food nights. Free stretch jeans for the first 10,000 fat-assed fans.
There's money to be made with a team of porky players. Millions and millions of Americans could better identify with the sport. The merch would fly off the shelves. Or maybe roll off.
Thank god that you were the one that removed the comment, JM.
I would hate to think that it might have been someone else .
We need to know what it was!
It was an errant bit of optimism concerning the Football Giants. Foolish, I know.
Optimism is like, uh, you know, uhm, knowing that it is all right there in front of us.
And I've got just the half time song for them: Fat Bottomed (Boys) by Queen. Fat bottom boys you make the baseball world go round. GET ON YOUR BIKES AND RIDE!!! Would beat the hell out of the Jonas Bros.
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