Ten Signs of the looming Yankeopalypse

Read the solar system, people. The Yankee God - a vain and jealous, cosmic bigwig - looks muy pissed. I'm talking about the Yankeopalypse, Yankeegeddon, the Last (Aaron) Judgement, the Doomsday House that Ruth Built.  

Here are today's 10 signs...

1. Joey Gallo is attempting a comeback... as a pitcher. Makes sense. He sure hit like one. 

2. The Gammonites are predicting improvements for Aaron Judge, due to the new automated strike zone challenge rule. Their claim: All his career, Judge has been screwed by human umps, lumbering neanderthals who expanded his 6'7" strike zone. Dunno. But I do know this: Last year, Judge was the best hitter in baseball. Are they really going to hang more expectations on the guy?

3. Could the automated zone help rookie Spencer Jones, also 6'7"? Dunno. But if Jones doesn't pan out, maybe they should cut to the chase and have him pitch? (Fun Fact: He was a great pitching prospect in high school, until he broke his arm.)

4. Gerrit Cole has a beard. Who knew he was one of them? (I think the Yankee clubhouse's demand for mustache wax is gonna rival that of condoms in Milan.)

5. Yesterday, in front of the Yankee brain trust, Cole thew two simulated innings and supposedly topped out at 96 mph. This is great news, unless it compels Cole to return too quickly. Then, it would be really, really bad news. Really, really, really. Which, I think, sums up the Yankees in many places.

6. Along with chin gardening, Cole showed off a new delivery. I hope he knows what he's doing.

7. After signing 35-year-old bullpen lug nut Rafael Montero, the Yankees quickly slotted him into Boonie's Circle of Trust. It's amazing how quickly a scrapheap acquisition can suddenly fill a massive hole, which the Yankees were refusing to acknowledge. 

8. Montero signed a minor league contract, full of incentives. Fine. Cashman's great love is romping barefoot through the scrapyard. But Montero's ERA last year tanked at 4.48, and I suspect the Tigers experience PTSD from the sight of him. He was Mark Leiter (4.62), Ian Hamilton (4.28) though he still beat Camilo Doval (4.82) who inexplicably seems to be viewed as our 8th Inning man. Go figure. 

9. They say Jasson Dominguez might need a year in Scranton. If so, what does it say about the Yankee front office's ability to assess and nurture talent? They will have effectively - perhaps permanently - screwed up The Martian. If he needed a season in Scranton, it should have been last year. They saw in spring training that he couldn't play LF. They wasted a year of his life, of his development. In another city, somebody would lose his job for this. WTF?

10. Is it me, or does the recent spate of insanely microscopic transactions - signing and waiving players at the end of the 40-man roster - suggest the Yankees are being run by an A.I. chatbot? If so, can such a team have a soul? Are you there, Yankee god?