Tarik Skubal's arbitration contract means he will never pitch for the Yankees

POINT OF ORDER: I'd like to retract the above headline.

It's wrong. It is a mistake. My apologies.

The fact is, Tarik Skubal could someday be a Yankee. 

It would happen around 2036, when he's 39, liver-spotted, gouted and moving like Kathy Bates after a 12-pack of Genny Cream. His sinker will have sunk, his fastball won't fast, and our beacon of ownership, Hal Steinbrenner, will be hooked up to an apparatus that honks once for no, twice for yes. By then, if we're unlucky enough to still be alive, the Yankees will be finishing behind Rutgers in the chase for tabloid back pages. Ten years out. Beaten and bedraggled. A symbol of the dystopia. That's when Skubal could be a Yankee.

Meanwhile, for now, he is a Tiger, with a $32 million arbitration award that will burn a hole in Detroit's fanny pack because - as everyone knows - any pitcher, at any time, can clutch his elbow, summon the trainer, shake his head and march off the field, never again the player he was. Wanna torture Phillies fans? Ask them about Zack Wheeler. The Tigers today must be shitting themselves. They've got baseball's best pitcher, and somehow, between now and July 31, they've got to either build a huge lead in the AL Central, or convert him into more than just a future draft pick. 

So, around Aug 1, at least three teams will bid manically for Skubal. In each case, their plans will revolve around the team not in the hunt: the Yankees. 

The main bidders:  

1. The Dodgers. No surprise here. They are baseball's marquee team. They are what the Yankees once were, and - I suppose - are still supposed to be. What a joke. I wonder what Hal will think when the Dodgers buy another championship, without guilt, without remorse, and without showing the slightest financial pinch? They play to win, as Hal's father did. But, hey, Hal gets to count his pennies. It must be reassuring to stand pat, sit back, and still make billions. 

2. The Mets. They'll soon be NYC's premier baseball team. Why can I say this? Because they really, really want it - and Hal doesn't. All his life, the Yankees have owned Gotham, and what did it get him? He still has to pay the rent, and all the fans do is whine, whine, whine. His dad was one of the first to encourage Trump to run for president, but Donald won't be coming to any games, unless they buy out the stadium (like Amazon did the theaters, for Melania) to tamp down the booing. The Mets have money, a hungry owner, and they've been waiting since Mookie Wilson's grounder for this moment. If Skubal goes on the market, Stevie Cohen will be first to grab the phone. 

3. The Blue Jays. The hateful, angry, foaming, unrequited Jays. First, a fun fact: Rogers Communications owns all of Canada, except for the tar sands and Alanis Morissette. Secondly, they can mine America's "51st state" disrespectfulness and tap into a seething fury that our northern neighbors rightfully feel toward the U.S. Trading for Skubal would poke the Yankees in the eye and probably win the AL East. Also, we might face him in the postseason. Pokes in both eyes. Ouch.

Look, it's fun to pretend the Yankees care. But they won't be taking on any $32 million contracts. And come next year, if Skubal's agent calls, they'll hide under the beds. We just grabbed Yanquile Fernandez. That's your 2026 Yankees.