This Yankee Winter of Despair cannot last forever.
And maybe we're handling it all wrong.
Maybe we should follow the Trumpian model of governance: Never admit a mistake, never acknowledge a defeat, always accuse your critics of lying, always say everything is great, and if it's not, just claim everything is rigged.
Why can't we apply that mindset to the Yankees? We don't need to sit around and mope. Screw the wind-chill index; damn the polar vortex. Let's merrily assume - as the Yankees are willing to do - that last year's runner-up, trotted out again, will win in 2026. Fukkit. Let's climb aboard the bandwagon and claim that everything will work. And if doesn't - well, shit, it's just a baseball team, right?
From now on, I'm simply going to assume that...
Cam Schlittler is the pitcher who shut down Boston in the playoffs, which means he'll replace Max Fried as our ace and challenge for the Cy Young award. Moreover, our farm system will churn out more Schlittlers, boosting the rotation and bullpen. We have nothing to worry about, but worrying-about, itself.
Aaron Judge will have an injury-free season and win another MVP award. Why do I think this? Because he will be protected in the lineup by Giancarlo Stanton, who will have an injury-free season and challenge for another MVP award. Together, they will anchor a batting order, which has an injury-free season and collects awards like Bad Bunny at the Grammys.
Gerrit Cole and Carlos Rodon will return from injuries as the pitchers they were before surgery. They will suffer no problems, whatsoever. And Cole will always cover first base on grounders to the right side.
Anthony Volpe will NOT return as the player he was before surgery. He'll finally become the Yankee SS of the future, who settles the infield and hits.
The Martian will start his season at Scranton, devote himself to the Zen of fielding, and return to refresh the Yankees in July, for the stretch drive.
The Yankees will receive their rings in the newly opened Trump White House Ballroom, after a parade down the Canyon of Trump. Next winter, we'll look out of our windows to see roses in bloom, while smiling ICE agents stand guard.
Posts
3 comments:
This just in from the White House Press Secretary:
A DOCTRINE OF RETURN TO ENSLAVIFICATION AND THE PRESIDENTIAL RIGHT OF PRIMA NACHTA
I, Donald J. Trump, in order to make the United States of America great again, do hereby declare the following policies effective immediately:
1. Slavery was a very important part of what made America great. In fact, America was built on the backs of slaves. Therefore, effective on President's Day, February 16, 2026, , all persons of color shall report to Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts, where they will be bound in chains and then sold by auction to the highest bidder. (Certain persons of color, such as Aaron Judge and Anthony Volpe, will be provided exclusionary waivers, upon payment of a $1 million fee for a freedom permit, as they look sufficiently white to pass the eye test.)
2. The principle of prima nachta has been endowed upon the sovereign since ancient times. Therefore, effective immediately, I exercise the right of prima nachta to insert my presidential penis into the vagina of every unmarried female in the United States of America. Through the concept of delegation of powers, I also invoke the power to delegate the insertion of other penises into these vaginas, so long as the owners of said penises have been personally empowered to do so by me, the Presidential Penis of the United States of America.
Hammer, it would be funnier if it didn't actually seem possible.
Volpe is the Yankee SS of the future. He can play when he's 35.
Remember that year when the Baby Bombers came up to replace injured starters and electrified the team? And we won a lot until the regulars came back to play their usual lackluster, dull, unexciting game? And then we lost a lot?
Wouldn't it be interesting if that happened this year? It might even be great to watch.
Hey, ya never know. These things happen.
Post a Comment