This Yankee Winter of Despair cannot last forever.
And maybe we're handling it all wrong.
Maybe we should follow the Trumpian model of governance: Never admit a mistake, never acknowledge a defeat, always accuse your critics of lying, always say everything is great, and if it's not, just claim everything is rigged.
Why can't we apply that mindset to the Yankees? We don't need to sit around and mope. Screw the wind-chill index; damn the polar vortex. Let's merrily assume - as the Yankees are willing to do - that last year's runner-up, trotted out again, will win in 2026. Fukkit. Let's climb aboard the bandwagon and claim that everything will work. And if doesn't - well, shit, it's just a baseball team, right?
From now on, I'm simply going to assume that...
Cam Schlittler is the pitcher who shut down Boston in the playoffs, which means he'll replace Max Fried as our ace and challenge for the Cy Young award. Moreover, our farm system will churn out more Schlittlers, boosting the rotation and bullpen. We have nothing to worry about, but worrying-about, itself.
Aaron Judge will have an injury-free season and win another MVP award. Why do I think this? Because he will be protected in the lineup by Giancarlo Stanton, who will have an injury-free season and challenge for another MVP award. Together, they will anchor a batting order, which has an injury-free season and collects awards like Bad Bunny at the Grammys.
Gerrit Cole and Carlos Rodon will return from injuries as the pitchers they were before surgery. They will suffer no problems, whatsoever. And Cole will always cover first base on grounders to the right side.
Anthony Volpe will NOT return as the player he was before surgery. He'll finally become the Yankee SS of the future, who settles the infield and hits.
The Martian will start his season at Scranton, devote himself to the Zen of fielding, and return to refresh the Yankees in July, for the stretch drive.
The Yankees will receive their rings in the newly opened Trump White House Ballroom, after a parade down the Canyon of Trump. Next winter, we'll look out of our windows to see roses in bloom, while smiling ICE agents stand guard.
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This just in from the White House Press Secretary:
A DOCTRINE OF RETURN TO ENSLAVIFICATION AND THE PRESIDENTIAL RIGHT OF PRIMA NACHTA
I, Donald J. Trump, in order to make the United States of America great again, do hereby declare the following policies effective immediately:
1. Slavery was a very important part of what made America great. In fact, America was built on the backs of slaves. Therefore, effective on President's Day, February 16, 2026, , all persons of color shall report to Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts, where they will be bound in chains and then sold by auction to the highest bidder. (Certain persons of color, such as Aaron Judge and Anthony Volpe, will be provided exclusionary waivers, upon payment of a $1 million fee for a freedom permit, as they look sufficiently white to pass the eye test.)
2. The principle of prima nachta has been endowed upon the sovereign since ancient times. Therefore, effective immediately, I exercise the right of prima nachta to insert my presidential penis into the vagina of every unmarried female in the United States of America. Through the concept of delegation of powers, I also invoke the power to delegate the insertion of other penises into these vaginas, so long as the owners of said penises have been personally empowered to do so by me, the Presidential Penis of the United States of America.
Hammer, it would be funnier if it didn't actually seem possible.
Volpe is the Yankee SS of the future. He can play when he's 35.
Remember that year when the Baby Bombers came up to replace injured starters and electrified the team? And we won a lot until the regulars came back to play their usual lackluster, dull, unexciting game? And then we lost a lot?
Wouldn't it be interesting if that happened this year? It might even be great to watch.
Hey, ya never know. These things happen.
“I have seen the future, and it is murder…” -Leonard Cohen
Re: dictum (dicktum?) #2, age verification NOT required…
According to yahoo, Team USA Olympic athletes are saying they have "mixed emotions" about representing the USA. Exercishing their right of free speech has spurred backlash. https://www.yahoo.com/sports/articles/team-usa-skiers-spark-olympic-172417622.html
So I guess MAGA people believe that athletes who have conscience and true patriotism (those who support the Constitution and due process), should just shut up and perform and waive their American flags whilst ICE and DHS thugs detain, arrest, murder U.S. citizens on the streets and even in their own homes. I think the athlete who said he's got mixed emotions is just telling the truth. And I think that if you don't have mixed emotions, you're not a real American. Ain't it ironic, but MAGA supporters really need to go to Russia or effing Communist China and join up with Putin or Xi Jinping. In those places, athletes (and everyone else) waive their country's flag and kowtow to their leaders no matter what's being done to them.
I really hope mixed emotion athletes win gold, then come back home and never shut up about the shit that's going on here. We need the American people to stand up and shout. (quoting Ronny James Dio there)
Courtesy the Rolling Stones:
You're not the only one
With mixed emo----tions
LOL
America was built on thrusting into youth. Witness Edgar Allen Poe and his 13 year old bride cousin, Jerry Lee Lewis and his 13 year old bride cousin, Jimmy Page (although an Englishman, close enough, we'll annex Great Britain soon) and his 14 year old girlfriend Lori Maddox. History abounds with teeny boppers.
Hear, hear, Hammer. I would love to hear some of these athletes come right out and slam the Nazi-wannabes.
On a completely different topic: how did Airbnb get the rights to use the Beatles' original recording of Golden Slumbers on their TV commercial? I know other people have the rights to some of their songs, but not the actual recordings they did. That's why a lot of TV spots have used a Beatles song, but redone by someone else.
Maybe I should look it up...
Almost forgot, Errol Flynn. Why, I should be whipped, flogged, and flagellated. He was found not guilty of statutory rape of a 17 year old girl after trial, Hollywood style. He said he hardly touched her. In like Flynn. Good ol' Flynn. He once gave me a few pointers on acting. I can't say nothin' bad about him. He's one of my cinematic heroes. What a guy!
Hammer, thank you for your attention to this matter.
Yeah, Apple is selling Fab Four recordings to "keep the music alive to a new generation." Um, yeah, sure. Though I think Paul, Ringo, and John and George's families have to bless ii.
The last pillar falls. Oh, well. They held out for over 50 years, with the exception of Revolution in that Nike commercial back in the 80s. Which still bugs me to this day.
This is not going to be a good season in my opinion.
"I would love to hear some of these athletes come right out and slam the Nazi-wannabes."
Yeah, I'm sure that's a-comin' up. Soon as somebody wins a gold medal, they'll have a platform for social change. Come along a baby, whole lotta shakin' goin' on!!!
Hey, Led Zeppelin ... effin' LED ZEPPELIN, sold out "Rock n Roll" to that Cadillac commercial. If that can happen, you know anything can....
I don't begrude it to them. Hey, if you're never going to perform again live, might as well cash in all your chips before you leave the ol' saloon for the last time.
Hammer, I can give you great acting pointers as well. The only thing that prevented me from becoming a great Broadway superstar is my penis. It's so big that I always tripped over it when moving around the stage
Carl, you shoulda been an Olympic ski jumper! No penis enlargement necessary.
JM, Apple isn't selling any Beatles music. Michael Jackson purchased their publishing rights some 20 years ago. His heirs, or his estate to be more precise.
Hammer, I tried doing the Fosbury Flop during the1976 olympics trials when "pole" vaulting. My technique was awful and only succeeded in getting butt bruising from the bar.
You were lucky you didn't break your pole!
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