A-Rod: "I'm probably pretty sure it will work out for the best!"

Three weeks later, he was ours.

Rivalometer: All-Star Edition

"I'm looking forward to it!"

"It's not the end of the world!"

Now It's Serious...

Minka loves Derek.

Kate loves Alex.

Minka and Kate?

Not so much, according to the paper that shows up on Mr. Torre's doorstep each morning.

I'm totally fine with this, by the way.

Jetergate

Taxman: Derek Jeter cheated New York out of millions
New York Daily News

Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter cheated New York out of millions in taxes by claiming he lived in Florida when he really was living it up in Manhattan, state officials say.

The tax man is going after the All-Star slugger for three years' worth of back taxes and interest - using his own words against him.

"He has made numerous public statements professing his love for New York," the state Division of Tax Appeals wrote in legal papers.

The tax case is the first blemish on Jeter's squeaky-clean reputation, though there's no suggestion of criminal wrongdoing.

Jeter - who makes more than $20 million a year with the Bombers and millions more in endorsements - claims he established residency in Tampa in 1994.

State officials are seeking taxes for three years starting in 2001 - the same year he bought a $13 million apartment at Trump World Tower.

Derek Has Sexiest Walk? No Way, Say Sabermetricians

Last week Baseball Digest released results of a very sexy scientific study claiming that Derek Jeter has the sexiest walk in the world. The Yankee captain's 25-inch waist and 36-inch hips, said the study, produced the sexiest strut, ranking him higher than David Wright, Angelina Jolie and even historical hottie Joe DiMaggio.

But according to Professor Richard Weber of Baseball Prospectus, who worked on the mathematical equation, Derek wasn't the winner. Weber was commissioned to determine the sexiest swagger by Clarion Communications, a PR firm that reps the Derek Jeter Driven line of fragrances. He says the reported results are bogus -- Alex Rodriguez is actually the sexiest strutter.

Adds scientist Ben Goldacre, writer for The Hardball Times, Clarion already had a winner in mind when it commissioned the study. Goldacre was told by a Clarion rep that in order to highlight the product, they wanted "Derek to come out on top followed by other celebrities with curvy legs such as J-Lo and David Ortiz, and celebrities like Edwar Ramirez and Amy Winehouse to be at the bottom -- e.g., skinny and pale unshapely legs are not as sexy."

Before Women Wreck Everything: CLONE DEREK!

The fear has haunted every Yankee fan since Derek Jeter became Captain of Mankind's Team:

Will some conniving, painted succubus destroy our perfect Yankee genetic footprint?

The following vessels have sought to yolk our Captain's seed. Thus far, each has failed.

But it only takes one to succeed.

To protect the future, we must study the past. Here, then, is the johnsterling.blogspot.com Confidential Sex Dossier on Derek Jeter. No prurience intended--or allowed.

* * *

Vessel One: Jessica Biel. Actress.

Death Grip: Her hobbies include ballet, soccer, yoga and hiking. She has a dog named East. She is a vegan.

* * *

Vessel Two: Adriana Lima, supermodel.

Death Grip: She has been romantically linked to photographer Estevan, Lenny Kravitz and the rumored son of Hulk Hogan, whose name is not important. She says she is saving her virginity for marriage. Yeah.

* * *

Vessel Three: Mariah Carey, songstress

DEATH GRIP: Plate-throwing hysterics. Incoherent web posts. The movie Glitter.

* * *

THE CLONING OPTION

Rael, spritual leader of the Raelian Sect of Canada, has inspired Clone-Aid. For a fee and a mere swab of the Captain's saliva, we can create a TEAM of Derek Jeters, 25-strong, to compete by the year 2031. This, at a fragment of the cost of 25 Bobby Abreus.

RESULT: A Yankee dynasty for our final days on earth.

* * *

CONCLUSION: CLONE DEREK NOW!