"Laff" Of The Day

"Regardless of expectations, the Yankees are designed to win a championship. "

--Andrew Marchand, ESPN Senior Writer

That outfield firewall in Scranton is suddenly looking thin

It's March, early March, too soon to see omens, and - besides, you can't predict baseball, right? Nevertheless, a Rubio-like deathwatch shadow has crept over what should be one of the 2016 Yankee strengths: that seemingly inexhaustible outfield depth, which suddenly looks as thin as a coat of Windex.

For starters, Brett Gardner still hasn't taken one pitch, due to a "bone bruise" inflicted last October, back when the idea of Donald Trump winning the GOP nomination was a late night punch line. In Gardy's rare 100 percent healthy moments, we love the man. But don't we fear the banjo-hitting mediocrity he becomes at 75 percent? Add the universal certainty that Jacoby Ellsbury is a break, a strain, a tweak or a tear waiting to flare up - and that leaves Carlos Beltran patrolling RF with less mobility than the statue of George Steinbrenner - and thus, the need for OF depth has never cried more loudly.

So... let's listen together... shhhh...

Right now, Aaron Hicks - "the Small Aaron" - is the Yankee OF firewall. Yesterday, he went 1-3 with a double. He switch hits and plays CF. Last year - his third shot at the Twins - Hicks seemed to finally figure out MLB pitching: He hit .256 with 11 HR. Cashman traded for him, and - thus, the franchise is invested in him. Let's hope.

Behind Hicks, it's been ugly. Slade Heathcott is having a terrible spring. He is 0-10 with six strikeouts. His lone positive molecule of play came in Game 2, when he drew a walk. Heathcott is one of the most intriguing Yankees, with a rare unknown ceiling. But unless he breaks out, he's ticketed for Year II in Scranton, at age 25. Last year, he hit .267 with 2 HRs down there. Time is running out.

Joining him in Scranton will be Mason Williams, the roller coaster ride who is still healing from a shoulder injury from last year - so he's out - and Ben Gamel, another Scrantonian who hit his way onto the Yankee roster. Gamel, thus far, is 2-7 on the spring, both singles.

Of course, the guy we all wanted to tear up Tampa is "the Big Aaron" - Aaron Judge, who hit a three-run HR last week to win a game. Unfortunately, he is now 1-10 with six strikeouts. Let's face it: His Scranton ticket is punched. The Yankees viewed him as a player who needs to play every day. One for 10 means he's done.

There are others - most notably a 26-year-old scrap heap acquisition named Lane Adams, who is 3-7 with 2 RBIs and a stolen base. He bats RH, which gives him a better shot. But hey - if we're down to Adams, it means injuries have reduced us to stems and seeds, and that was not supposed to be the case - at least not this early.

Of course, that's the good part: It is this early. We're in the phase of spring training when Zolio Almonte used to turn heads. If Heathcott goes 3-3 tomorrow, who cares about his first few games? On the 10th of March, Julius Caesar was still kicking, and so is Heathcott. Just don't say the omens were not there.  

Trump shows again why he should run the Yankees

It shouldn't surprise anybody that Paul O'Neill - our Pauly - would be endorsing Donald Trump in his quest to be elected Exalted Supreme Ruler of America. Trump's victory rally last night probably featured a $9.99 buffet, and anybody who watches YES knows what O'Neill can do with a knife and fork. His eating prowess gives Coney nightmares.

Nevertheless, the great and glorious Wizard of Trump stunned the Yankiverse last night by saying to the crowd:

“Stand up, Paul! You originally come from Ohio, right? Oh, wow. Paul O’Neill of the Yankees. Paul, you come from Ohio? Do you endorse me? I love you!”

Yes, I love you.

Yes, that's our Pauly - the breaker of water coolers, the man who drew The Walk, the brother to a Times reporter, our plaque inscribed eating-machine in Monument Park - who somehow materialized in a Trump clan rally like the reanimated corpse of Chris Christie, inching the Republican Party establishment one step closer to oblivion. 

First off, let's face it: Trump should run the Yankees, a far more important job than sitting atop the national shit pile. Last night proves once again that he is the rightful heir to old George, that Trump is the one who could lift the Yankee Excalibur sword from Babe Ruth's tomb, that he is the owner who would ruffle the secret society of ancient vampires that currently runs baseball. He would never count dimes while Boston signed David Price or Yoan Moncada. When you watch Trump so relentlessly and obsessively pursue a kingly crown that - if he wins it - would bore and destroy him, then you see a guy who would prod the Yankees to a pennant rather than the final, away-game Wild Card slot. You see the psycho, lunatic grownup third-grader who should be running the Yankees. 

Secondly, and I say this regardless of our feelings about Trump: Generally speaking, jocks are political cretins. They gravitate toward the festering human money-pimples, who own casinos and golf courses, and who hire suited smile buttons to suck up to ex-players and B-level celebrities. For every Tom Brady who accepts a foot-rub from one of Trump's publicists, there is a Peyton Manning eating Papa John's pizza, or an equally dim bulb endorsing Bernie, or Cruz, or somebody. They have no more business telling you what to think than I do, but America is now a celebritocracy, right?

Pauly O'Neill is on the Trump team? Didn't see that coming. Considering that he's also got Chris Christie in there, Trump had better keep the buffet well stocked.

Five records that won't be broken, and forgetting the biggest one of all...

This ridiculous report by the Daily News -  "Cal Ripken Jr.'s streak and five other unbreakable baseball records - somehow manages to ignore John Sterling's upcoming 5,000th consecutive announced game.

When that game happens - the Yankees have not released a date - we hereby propose - no demand - that The Master be appointed Official Yankee Captain.

Either that, or John should manage - with Suzyn as bench coach.

Powerful Yankees double their hit total from last October Wild Card against Houston

While we await the "Yelp for People" phone ap - which will surely change civilization - the Retrieval Empire yesterday exploded against the Astros with seven - 7! - hits. That's more than twice the output from last October's pre-post-season game, aka the "Wild Card."

This time, the Yankees only lost 1-0 and - more importantly - nothing matters! Hahaha! The joke is on Houston!

It's hard to gush giddy when the best you can say about yesterday is that nothing mattered. So let's do some hope-mining. After all, when Yelp-for-People gets here, you'll want to write nice things about everybody... right? I mean, anybody can dish up a cold nugget or two from the Google search. But the real dirt - the revenge dirt - that'll come from ex-spouses and playground rivals. Can you imagine what anonymous Yelpers will write about - say - A-Rod? Big Papi? Your mom?

So... the good news from yesterday:

Nobody hit. Nothing, nada, for neither team.

Luis Severino pitched three innings, gave up two hits, didn't walk anybody. Michael Pineda threw two shutout innings, and inspired another write-up by Ken Davidoff - of Jerry Hall's NY Post, crowing about how the Yankees won the Montero-Pineda trade. (Which is true, but couldn't the story wait until Pineda actually pitches in a game? Isn't crowing about about a two-inning exhibition outing sort of like proclaiming global warming is a myth because it's snowing?) The most important improvement was Jacob Lindgren, who couldn't throw strikes in his first spring outing. He seems to have regained control.

Let's keep this in mind all spring.

Jake Cave led the Yankees in hitting last spring with a .400 average. He had a fine season at Scranton, and he's now in Cinncinati.

The second best hitter last spring was Rob Refsnyder - who batted .372. He got bounced around like a traffic cone on the New Jersey Turnpike. And in third place last Grapefruit Season, it was Jose Pirela. He hit .370. He was traded to San Diego for a pitcher named Ronald Herrera. And both players spent almost the entire season in Scranton while the Yankees waited for Stephen Drew to hit. That's how much spring training means to a team built with contracts.

So nobody hit yesterday, and what is there to say? Nancy Reagan is still dead, and so is Marco Rubio. The Yankees have still won the Montero trade, and neither Cave nor Yoan Moncada - (that name! slooooowly I turn) - played for the Reds or Redsocks. But hear my warning: If the Yankees don't win this year, I'm going on Yelp for People and writing that Brian Cashman never flushes the toilet.

Looking for Mr. Goodbar in a Goodbarless universe

Yesterday's top 10 meaningful news stories across meaningless Yankiverse...

1. Downton Abbey ended. (Spoiler alert: Maggie Smith snapped, killed entire Crawley family in sado-masochistic bloodbath, then moved to London to live in van and not get nominated for Oscar.)

2. Nancy Reagan died. (World still awaiting remembrance from Mr. T.)

3. Marco Rubio won Puerto Rico. (Wait: Isn't there an actress named Margot Robbie? What is it with these actress names: Eva Longoria... Evan Longoria? Can't these women name themselves, without having to steal from great men?) 

4. Masahiro Tanaka pitched two innings: two hits and a walk. (First time back since surgery, now entering year three, and we still don't know what we've got.)

5. Brett Gardner's bone bruise - sustained last October on Wild Card - continued to rest. (Day 157 of the healing process.)

6. Chad Green, one of the two guys we got in the deal for Justin Wilson, gave up five (5) earned runs in 2/3 of an inning. (Oh, well...)

7. Jorge Mateo got another hit... (and STOLE A BASE.)

8. Austin Romine went 2-2 with three RBIs. (Doesn't everyone want him to get a shot at NYC this spring?)

9. Donald Trump said something outrageous - who cares what it was - and cable TV covered it, breathlessly.

10. Rob Refsnyder had a great game... (playing third base.)

I would like to discuss No. 10.

Refsnyder played 3B, made two outstanding defensive plays, went 1-1 and STOLE TWO BASES, raising his SB number to THREE on the spring. And, of course, it doesn't matter.

The more he does in March, the more disillusioned he will be in April, when the Yankees send him to Scranton, preferring to keep some journeyman infielder they will pluck from the scrap heap. We've seen this movie, over and over. Come April one, when they put him on the train to Scranton, they will assure Refsnyder that he's in the mix, but when he starts slowly in the Electric City, he will fade into the Poconos skyline.

Here's the reality: Barring an injury - or a flair-up of Chase Headley's yips - the Yankees are set contractually for the entire season at both 2B and 3B. Thus, they will play the old "Needs To Be Playing Every Day" card, and send Refsnyder back for his third year at Triple A. Three years in Scranton.

Nobody should play three years at Scranton.

He's still only 24. He seems like 29.

Two for two and two stolen bases... on the day Nancy Reagan died. Will it matter? Does anything matter in this meaningless universe?

Need some help here: We voted on the all-time greatest Yankee home run. What would be the all-time greatest Yankee double?

I'm thinking of two easy ones:

Jorge Posada's double off of Pedro, which helped tie the game that led to Aaron Boone's home run...

Charlie Keller's double off Hugh Casey, after Mickey Owens let strike three slide from his mitt, allowing Tommy Heinrich to get to first base, in game four of the 1941 World Series.

There have to be many more...

The all-time greatest Yankee double...

Girardi spills the beans: The Master is calling games on two new artificial knees

In the middle of yesterday's glorious Yankee exhibition triumph, Joe Girardi unleashed to the world a news kraken:

Over the winter, John Sterling underwent two (2) knee surgeries.

Yes, The Master called most - if not all - of 2015 on a pair of pain-shrieking stumps. You wouldn't known he was bone-on-bone. The Master never complained in public and, clearly, must have sworn Suzyn to secrecy - threatening her with a HIPAA violation lawsuit. Yesterday, Girardi - being atop the Yankee food chain - took it upon himself to blow the whistle - you know - spill the beans, pop the cherry, let the cat out of the bag... lift the cheek and let it sneak.  

"You hear the horror stories," John said, of the surgeries, but assured the Yankiverse that all is fine.

Sometime this season, Sterling will call his 5,000th consecutive Yankee game, making him baseball's Iron Lung. Let's hope the Yankees show the fundamental decency to win that game, allowing The Master to unleash a 7.00-second plus Win Warble, something that was increasingly rare last year. Of course, we didn't know he was win-warbling in pain.

Let's get one thing straight: Until the Yankee ownership starts acting like a Yankee owner, instead of the son of one, we are not a Yankee website.

We are a John Sterling website, even if it means hearing The Master's call a good 30 seconds after the play has appeared on TV, which was the case yesterday.

Other Sterling moments from the first radio broadcast of 2016:

Judge not, or be judged: The Master's home run call for Aaron Judge is rather predictable: "Here come da Judge!" (We'd prefer as the secondary line: "He's Judge, Jury and Executioner.") It's early.

Little Georgie? No home run call for Jorge Mateo - yet. All John could say was: "Woah." It's early.

Revelation: John reported that, in a recent talk, Chasen Shreve admitted that he was tired at the end of 2015, and that's why, in September, he was throwing like Betty White.

Outfield scrum: Discussing Ben Gamel, John mentioned that he, Slade Heathcott and Mason Williams are "all fighting for, frankly, a job that's not there." Scranton, here they come.

The unnamed scout: John had a talk with an unnamed scout, who revealed this exclusive info nugget: If Hanley Ramirez doesn't play well at first base this season, considering Sandoval at third, Boston could have the worst fielding infield in the A.L. Yes, you could hear The Master's smile coming through the microphone... Not even a pair of bum knees could silence that delighted grin.

Mateo homers... no personalized call by John

"Jorge Mateo homers over the left-center field wall. Pretty impressive. Woah."

That's all we got?

What about, "Teo, Teo, daylight come and me want to go home!"

Or... "Payday-o for Mateo!"

Or... "Mateo swings away-o!"

Or... "Little Georgie juices one!"

Or... "You say Mateo, I say potat-o!

"

Nothing. Nada. Is John - with a new two year deal - slackening in his work ethic? Or is The Master telling us that Mateo must work hard and deserve his personalized home run call?

Today, The Master and Your Mom take to the airwaves

Wherever you are, get to one of those electronic devices that pull voices from the air... because the newly, multi-year-secure John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman will be opening the 2016 Yankee Talk-a-thon.

At last, we shall learn...

What celebrity biographies did The Master read over the winter?

What new Yankee home run calls has The Master concocted?

How about these talented Yankee prospects!

Has something changed in the fabric of the universe, so that perhaps - just perhaps - we now CAN predict baseball?

There is no meaning here... and I mean it

Searching for the truth in a truthless world...

Refsnyder's early - way too early - troubles continue: 0-1 with a strikeout.

Same with Heathcott, though it's way too early.

It's way too early to get excited about Mitchell, or Kaprielian, or Cessa. Way too early.

It's just too early.

John Sterling Fact of the Day

John stopped paying attention to critics years ago. [Source]

Searching for meaning in a meaningless universe

Good news: Yankees score four! No more one and done!

Bad news: They give up 13. Thirteen. To the Phillies. Only one pitcher in camp - the eternal Trentonian, Mike Montgomery - has thrown a 1-2-3 inning.

Thank God it's early. But it is... really early. It's pre-dinosaurs, pre-cosmic seeding and planetory congealing - even pre-Big Bang. Time hasn't yet begun. Nothing matters, and as proof of that statement: A-Rod homered.

First AB of 2016. Yep, a giant, meaningless nothingburger.

But let's look at the players that - even in pre-matter state - matter:

Slade Heathcott goes 1-2 with a single. He also fanned and walked. (Minor interesting note: He played CF and led off.) Little Hands Ellsbury is nursing something.

Aaron Judge batted twice, struck out twice. Hm-mm. That's the problem with batting practice superstars - Tony Pena isn't always on the mound.

Gary Sanchez 0-2 with two walks. I'll take it.

Rob Refsnyder, playing 2B, goes 0-3 with a strikeout and leaves 6 runners on base. Hm-mm. In the field, he led a DP.

Basepath super demon Jorge Mateo tried his first steal against a major league battery. He was thrown out.

Pitchingwise, there's only way to say this: HORROR SHOW.

Pitching star of the game: Brandon Pinder.

Scariest outing: Jacob Lindgren couldn't throw strikes.

It's really really really early. But the Yankees have now spent two years congratulating themselves for drafting Lindgren - what a smart pick, aren't we crafty, didn't we show everybody, look - he's the first to reach the majors, gobble gobble gobble etc. Let's hope this outing gets gone. No worrying. Not yet. Let's at least wait until the dinosaurs see the asteroid.

Five hundred

Hal "Bristles" At Being Called Cheap, Then Explains How Cheap He Plans To Be

He said that when baseball's new collective bargaining agreement comes out, he will try once again to pare the Yankees' payroll below the threshold to avoid paying the luxury tax, as he tried to do in 2013. But he pointed out that even though he had trimmed the payroll to $190 million -- the threshold was $189 million -- he scrapped it all to sign Masahiro Tanaka because, he felt, "we weren't good enough to win." 

...And while he said that the Yankees will no longer carry such a bloated payroll, he left little doubt that under similar circumstances, he would do the same thing again. "We have a lot of money coming off the payroll in the next two years...And we're going to put a lot of it back in. But that doesn't mean I need a $240 million payroll."

Really, you have to read the whole story. He doesn't seem like a bad guy. Just maybe not great at how he spends his money sometimes, and then that prevents him from spending more money on better opportunities. See? He's not cheap, he just reaches a threshold of extravagance and lives with the mistakes instead of throwing good money after bad for players who are actually good.

It all makes perfect sense.

John Sterling Fact of the Day

John has won 12 local Emmy Awards. [Source]

Gardner's wrist still hasn't healed, and we've seen this movie before

They're saying Brett Gardner will start taking batting practice on or around March 15.

They're saying they're not worried.

They're saying if this were the regular season, he'd be playing.

Great. Just great. A partially injured Gardner... playing hurt... great.

No problemo. Rub some dirt on it. Bone bruise, that's all. Another day in Pleasantville, nobody's perfect, life is like a box of chocolates, and that's Chinatown, Jake... right?

Listenup, everybody: When Brett Gardner sprains a tweak, or bruises a turd... cue the sun, and say hello to my little friend; the horror, Mr. Kurtz, the horror. You're gonna need a bigger boat, because I got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

They're saying Gardy's bruise - which happened in the 2015 Wild Card game - hasn't completely healed. Mm-mm. Now, I'm no Sabermetrics, moneyball, power numbers, professional weenie dick - but let's do some old word math: By my count, there was...

October. November. December. January. February.

Let's see. One, two, three, four... my count: 5 months, and it hasn't healed.

We'll give him another two weeks?

Don't get me wrong. Of course, he should rest. The last thing we should do is send him out in meaningless games. But if there's one Yankee who is more compromised by injuries that Brett Gardner, I don't know who it is. Wait - I do - it's Jacoby Ellsbury! Last season, the Yankees popped like a fart balloon after that twosome turned into Ross Mosschito and Arturo Lopez due to nagging injuries. And now we find Gardner's hasn't gone away after five months?

I see dead people.

I'm wondering - just opining here - if Gardner's injury was known to the Yankees in November, when they shopped him to other teams. Or if other teams knew about it, and that's why nothing happened. I dunno. All we - as Yankee fans - can do is worry. (There's no point in being dumb and happy, when you have worrying to do.) And Brett Gardner has given us our first worry fart of 2016.

Could this open the door for Slade Heathcott? Hmm-hmm. Cue the son. May the force be with us. We're all Spartacus, right?

First

John Sterling Fact of the Day

Celebrity Net Worth estimates John's fortune at $2 million. [Source]

How the Yankees Will Win It All in 2016

Yesterday I learned about CloneZone, a site where you can duplicate existing pages, edit them, and post your altered copy to the web.

I found out because some naughty Democrat used it to fake a New York Times story in which Elizabeth Warren endorsed Bernie Sanders. Which she hasn't done. But the page was pretty widely circulated on Facebook, so a lot of people believed it. You can bet a lot still do.

Yankee fans, I don't have to tell you what this means as we reach the threshold of yet another campaign of tears. The miserly Steinbrenner and his toady GM have again stocked their team with the old, the unready, and the undeserving. In real life we are doomed from the starting line, but on the web--

--The 2016 Yankees can be champions. 

Let the Daily News discourage us, let the Post piss us off. They're not so powerful; report or distort, they're limited by the truth--a speck of it, at least. But with CloneZone, it's only a click and a keystroke from this--

--To this.

Who's with me?

Thirty games? We can't judge the fairness of Aroldis Chapman's suspension until other shoes drop

Yesterday, the Commissioner of Baseball ruled, and the Gammonites - as usual - approved.

But all we see in MLB's public relations war is a partial score: Aroldis Chapman, 30 games.

Without knowing Commissioner Rob Manfred's rulings on domestic violence cases involving Jose Reyes and Yasiel Puig, we can't appraise the Chapman decision, which - let's face it - is all about maintaining MLB's kind and gentler image, which is slowly turning into smoke and mirror.

Everybody opposes domestic violence. Morality-wise, it's a layup. If you throw the book at a wife-beater - I'm not suggesting you shouldn't - who will disagree? Not me!

But Chapman was never arrested. The incident stems from his girlfriend's claim that he choked her and fired shots into his garage - (a really, really stupid set of actions that obviously should set off alarms about the guy's mentality. The Yankees must watch him carefully.) Is a 30-game suspension fair? I dunno? But we can't judge Manfred's judgment until the other cases play out.

Last Halloween, Jose Reyes - now of the Rockies - was arrested for allegedly choking his wife and slamming her into a door. He's currently "on leave" - does that mean "suspended?" - and will appear in court April 4. We gotta believe Reyes will get the kitchen sink. Sixty games? Ninety? How do you compare the actions? Is slamming someone into a door worse than shooting up the garage?

In November, Puig - still a Dodger - got into a fight with a Miami bar bouncer, after Puig was said to have punched his sister. Police were called, he wasn't arrested. So... 30 games? What if the bouncer is an asshole? Why wasn't Puig charged? I dunno. Do you?

Did Chapman get a fair deal? Who knows? The general view of sportwriters is - of course - supportive of Manfred's move. Here's John Harper of the Daily News.

[Y]ou have to say that Manfred did get this right, all things considered. Since prosecutors in Florida, where the incident occurred at Chapman’s home in October, didn’t think there was enough evidence to file charges, clearly there were limits to how far Manfred could go here.

I don't mean to pick on Harper. I just get squirmy when the czars of professional sports inject morality into their product - which is basically a show of grown men fighting for survival. When a pitcher throws his 95 mph heater at a batter's chin, or a base-runner charges a pivoting shortstop, it's as violent an assault as any street thug visits upon his victim. And let's face it: The only thing that ever kills a career is mediocrity. As long as Chapman throws 105 mph, some team will have him. We might even root for that team, but that doesn't mean we think of him - or anyone - as a giant of morality. That "role model" crap ended 40 years ago.

That's why I sat out the three-year lynching party for Alex Rodriguez, accused of using steroids. (I always felt he was arbitrarily accused, caught in a media dragnet, while other players skated through MLB's famous "drug test program.") I don't think baseball - or football - is equipped to be the judge and jury on morality. Like I said, domestic violence is a layup. Everybody opposes it. But do you deny the player the right to make his living? And if you do, then what happens to the wife? Aren't you, in effect, punishing her for calling police? I dunno. Just asking.

Also, one of these days, Rob Manfred will watch a video of some star player choking a woman. What then? Videotapes are the steroids of the justice system. When such a tape comes out, the punishments expand exponentially. Nobody taped Chapman. For that, he should thank his stars.

But one of these days...

Thirty games? Sounds about right. But when you mix morality with public relations, things have a tendency to get murky. And we are now entering uncharted waters.

John Sterling Fact of the Day

Anchoring election coverage in his early career, John imitated Walter Cronkite. [YouTube, citation at 21:09]

They won't say it, no, they won't...

Will anybody say Aroldis Chapman is "firing bullets" in Tampa bullpen sessions?

Ugh.

OK, let's be done with this: UGHHHHH.

There. I belched it.

Done. Out of my system.

We can't pound through 2106, and maybe 2017, clutching our billiards in despair, whenever Yoan Moncada - the one who got away - hits a dinger for East Turpentine in the La Leche League. Let's accept that the Gammonites of Boston - the most Gammonitic Gammonites in the world of truth-lite journalism - will forever tout this guy, as if he hatched from Lady Gaga's egg, if only to remind us of our Beaver Cleaver-haired, trust-funding, boy owner, who squeezes money like a six-grader clutching his cards in an Airport Ramada Pokemon tournament.

Let's do this. The last painful time... let's imagine for a moment that Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner hadn't finished second in the Moncada auction, roughly one year ago...

So... it's that alt-universe: We're coming off a string of Best Farm System rankings, which put us in the Top Five, rather than the middle-of-the-herd. Moncada is viewed as as our Top Prospect, and the best Yankee third-base hope since Donald Trump was doing Marla Maples. You have to go back to Mike Lowell to find a decent 3B grown on the Yankee farm. Now, we have our man.

The four-year deal with Chase Headley doesn't look so scary. We see Headley holding 3B for maybe one year, until Moncada arrives - rather than three more nightmare seasons. We don't have to ponder the creeping terror: That Headley's laser throws into the first base seats are not early warning signs of Chuck Knoblach/Steve Sax-disease - the festering yips that seem to burst out in pinstripes like sweat pores on Marco Rubio's forehead.

Nope. The buzz out of Tampa is "the next M&M boys," Moncada and Jorge Mateo - our second best prospect - are the 3B-SS duo in Trenton this year and - who knows? - maybe even Scranton, and a cup of September coffee. The trading of Eric Jagielo - (he went in the Aroldis Chapman deal) - doesn't sting, even with Greg Bird out for the year.

Nope. The Yankees might not win in 2016, but the future looks bold... with the M&M Boys.

Of course, one downside. The Steinbrenners are down $60 million. That puts their personal wealth around - what - $5 billion? Ten? Twenty? Infinity-minus 60...

Ugh.

John Sterling Fact of the Day

In 2000, John and his then-wife Jennifer chose a Yankee home date for the Caesarean birth of their triplets. [Source] [Box Score]

Will the most interesting Yankee in 2016, by far, spend the year in Scranton?

The 2015 Yankees - generally a tired, boring team - gave us two great moments.

One was Carlos Beltran's pinch-hit, three-run HR against the Blue Jays, which snapped Toronto's 11-game win streak, restored the Yankees into first, and briefly made Beltran's three-year contract seem 1,000 pounds lighter around the neck.

The second was "the Slade Heathcott game." Heathcott - who looked good in early summer, got hurt and disappeared - homered to beat Tampa - another three-run shot - after the Yankees had been no-hit for eight innings and gone down to their last out. Gardner had signed, A-Rod hit a double, McCann was walked, and Heathcott came out of nowhere... which, for him, was business as usual.

It feels like we've waited a hundred years on Heathcott. He's only 25. He was drafted out of Texarkana High School - our number one pick - with a Josh Hamilton buzz, in part due to his torturous background. The details of his teenage upbringing - he was homeless, he was an alcoholic, he was - as the trainers would say - day-to-day - slowly came out. On the day after an excruciatingly long piece on him was published in the Charleston paper, Heathcott sparked a massive brawl with an opposing catcher. He looked too volatile to make it. Then came the injuries, one after another, often self-inflicted because he ran into a wall or dove onto his shoulder. The Yankees dropped him from the 40-man roster. We resigned him, and boom - there he was last September, hitting the HR that might be the only thing he's remembered for.

Even now, he faces an OF so crowded that it will be tough to find playing time in Scranton.

Yet there he is - still the great Yankee hope, sort of.

I don't wish ill on any Yankee player. I don't need to. If anybody thinks Gardner, Ellsbury and Beltran can last the season, they haven't watched the team. And the jury remains out on our two Aarons - Hicks and Judge - until they perform. But my secret hopes still rest on Slade Heathcott, the most interesting Yankee in the last five years. It's been a long, crazy road for the guy.

This is his year. Keep fingers crossed.

Dear Commissioner Manfred: Aroldis Chapman needs to be suspended for 46 days

Dear Mr. Manfred,

Latest scuttle-butt from Tamptown says tomorrow, you will hand down your long-awaited ruling on girlfriend-choker/garage-door-shooter/Yankee closer Aroldis Chapman. Even though the Chapster wasn't arrested by police, news coverage of his "incident" dictates that you must suspend him for enough time to get the message across:

Major League Baseball will not tolerate anything less than the highest moral caliber from its players and team employees, (owners and executives notwithstanding.)

Sir, Chapman deserves 46 days in the penalty box.

Why 46? Well, for starters - 46 is the number of human chromosomes, so there's the cool symbolism thingy. Secondly, 46 is a Wedderburn-Etherington number and a centered triangular number - the sum of the totient function for the first twelve integers. In fact, while we're jellin' on 46, it's the largest even integer that cannot be expressed as a sum of two abundant numbers!

Yep. In other words, if an even integer (Chapman) is pushing around an abundant hot number (his girlfriend), well - mathematically speaking, 46 is the bomb. Forty-six, baby! Slap it in the books, and the message will get heard: Don't choke your honey. Don't shoot your garage. Don't do drugs. And don't be cruel... to a heart that's true.

The perfect suspension - divorcing ourselves, for a moment, from the horror of domestic abuse - would be 46 days. As an aside, such a suspension would mean the Yankees get to keep Chapman not only this season, but next. That has nothing to do with this.

My guess is the guy has two good seasons in him, because nobody throws 104 mph forever, and he might be just the kind of fellow who should factor alimony payments into his financial future... so come 2017, he'll probably want a 10-year-day with three opt-outs... unless he's lashed to the Yankees for two years like Ahab to the whale.

Of course, the Yankees will have to pay him for two years. That means Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner will serve margarine instead of butter at family functions... but get this: he will be lowering his cholesterol!

Sir, give Chapman 46 days, and I bet the Yankee franchise won't even appeal your decision.

It's win-win... 46 times! Forty-six days, Commissioner! Put it in the books!

Forget the stars, ignore the rooks: It's the scrap heap that matters in 2016

In recent years, Brian Cashman hasn't really hooked a free agent Reggie or raised the next Thurman. The big signings - Ellsbury, McCann, Beltran, Headley - have yet to yield one post-season victory. The big prospects - Severino, Bird, Judge, et al - must still prove themselves. Cash did a few Trumpian deals - Didi Gregorious his masterwork. But it's the scrap heap where Cash is king. Be it Yangervis Solarte, Chris Young or a bullpen lug nut, Cash knows raggedy suits and used toasters. The Yankees are the Retrieval Empire.

So who will be the scrap heap position acquisitions of 2016?

Frankly, they are probably yet to come. The scrap draft comes in late March, when the best teams clean their stables. Joel Sherman this week wrote that he thinks the Yankee backup 3B is not yet in camp. He'll be some discard. By then, injuries will be reporting to Tampa, and Cashman will be trying to spackle over the holes.

But for now, here are the likely best scrap heap position players in camp.

Ronald Torreyes, 23, a middle infielder. Switch hitter. Last year, he bounced all over creation, five teams, but still batted .261 with four home runs. He got a glimpse of the Dodgers - (eight games, two for six) - and then disappeared. He's 5'10," a glove man. Not particularly fast - five SB, four CS. If something happens to Didi... 

Carlos Corporan, 32, switch-hitting backup C. To call him a switch-hitter is a misnomer. He doesn't hit either way. But he's a tank. It's him or Austin Romine to start the season as McCann's backup, and Romine can't seem to find a break in this world. The Yankees won't start with Gary Sanchez, unless McCann gets hurt. If we're lucky, Corporan is a cheaper Jose Molina. 

Pete Kozma, 28, RH IF. One of many former first-round draft picks we have accumulated. He has never hit. (Wait - that's not true: In 2008, he hit .284 for Quad City in the Midwestern League.) He can field. In his minor league career, he's batted .238. He's a few injuries away from starting.

Chris Parmelee, 28, RH 1B. Former first-rounder, natch. Career .245 hitter in MLB, without discernible power. (28 HRs in five years.) We signed him last week to hold down 1B at Scranton, because of the injury to Greg Bird. 

Lane Adams, 26, RH, OF. He's bounced around the KC farm system for eight years, but last season was his peak. At Double and Triple A, he hit a combined .281 with 16 HRs. He also stole 31 bases. Trouble is, the Yankees have several OF candidates at Scranton, so I don't know how this guy gets playing time. Well, actually, I do: somebody gets hurt. It always comes down to that, eh?

One of these days, we'll look at the scrap heap pitchers. Not exciting. But the scrap heap never is.. 

John Sterling Fact of the Day

1-800-916-8000 is the number to call to book John for "a guest appearance, motivational keynote speech, grand opening, autograph signing, product announcement, employee gathering, or for an exclusive meet and greet." [Source]

This year, A-Rod has nowhere to go but down

The first Yankee to arrive in Tampa is always Hope. He pulls in before the first pitch is thrown, the first body is weighed. He begins with the team's annual Top 10 prospects lists - which never compare the Yankees with other teams. Then come the tongue-panting stories of new world outlooks, improved workouts, upgraded diets, blah-blah-blah... the crapola that writers funnel and fans eat with knife and fork. Our spring buffet!

So, today, let us savor the fresh, steaming write-ups that proclaim Alex Rodriguez as Mr. Yankee, noting the difference from last year, when the Gammonites were measuring his neck for the noose.

Last year, the likes of Billy Madden were telling us - assuring us - that A-Rod would never - ever - play another game as a Yankee. When A-Rod arrived early, the act was viewed as a craven attempt to seem like he actually cared. When he apologized, it was a craven attempt to grab headlines. Whatever he said was viewed through a gotcha lens.

This year, everything is groovy.

Too groovy?

A-Rod better not cash those good will checks. He's 40, he's a full-time DH on a team loaded with DHs, and if he starts slogging as he did last September, he'll find himself once again on the wrong side of the line.

And let's not kid ourselves with high-brow talk of cheating or basic morality: If a player hits, or if a pitcher pitches, the fans always forgive, and the teams always pay out.

Last year, you had the feeling that Alex Rodriguez was the only person in the world who had faith in Alex Rodriguez. He had only one option - to fight for his survival. This year - hate to be a nudge - but he can only go downhill. Let's cross our fingers. One more year?

Uh-oh. Gardy's wrist didn't heal all winter

And now they're having him skip batting practice.

Of course, it's just the start of camp. Good grief. Why worry? If it were in the middle of July, he'd be out there, taking B.P.

Still... it didn't heal over the winter?

John Sterling Fact of the Day

John's father, Carl H. T. Sloss, was a Manhattan advertising executive. [Source]

Stringbean Sandoval looks ready to answer the bell... the dinner bell

The Redsocks say the Panda has lowered his body fat ratio from 21 percent to 17 percent. Clearly, the new slim and trim Sandoval means the Yankees are in trouble.

Gammonites are raving about Hal Steinbrenner's big Yankee acquisition - a hill!

Hold on to your hats, everybody! Word from Tamptown is that Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner has shed his bingo parlor outlook and shelled out BIG TIME on a Yankee upgrade. No, he didn't buy a pitcher. He bought a hill. SEE IT!

Yes, a hill... you know, to run up and down, like Jack and Jill. In the old days, players ran stadium steps. Not anymore! The Yankees have a brand new, state-of-the-art hill. And the writers are in love. SEE IT!

Don't get this wrong. This is not a knoll. Nope. The Milwaukee Brewers can run up and down a mound. This is a hill - Yankee Hill. Damn, I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it... Those youngsters, standing at the foot of Yankee Hill, thinking of all the great Yankees who will run up and down. This is no mere conditioning tool. It's a metaphor... for climbing to the top of the hill!

I can barely contain myself. The Yankees didn't need pitching, after all. We just needed an edge, and now we've got it. Our own hill. At last, we've outsmarted the Redsocks. They don't have a hill. And if we get into a hill-climbing contest, well, let's just say they brought piss to a shit fight.

Someday, I'm thinking the Hill goes into Monument Park. Its number will be retired, and we'll honor it with a day at Yankee Stadium. They'll bring out all its teammates - the weight machine, the treadmill, the jacuzzi - everybody will be crying when Hal pulls down the curtain to reveal - the bronze plaque: The Hill. SEE IT!

I'm telling you, being a Yankee fan, every day is Christmas. What will Hal give us tomorrow? A creek? A pond? A sand trap? Wait... I got it! A boulder! Guys can push it up the hill. It'll be incredible!

John Sterling Fact of the Day

The first time John used his "It is high, it is far, it is gone" call was for a Dale Murphy homer off a Dwight Gooden breaking ball. [Source]

The revolution will not be YESSed

Seething Yankee indignation grows.

David Ortiz: "You know what I want most of all? I would love it if the fans at Yankee Stadium gave me a standing ovation." (I've got a better idea.)

In the perfect alternative universe, here's David Ortiz's last moment in Yankee Stadium...

It's cold and wet. Ninth inning. Yanks lead by 12. It's late September (and I really should be back at school.) Boston's been out of the wild card race for six weeks. Ortiz pinch hits for Dustin Pedroia, who is batting .192. Papi himself is hitting .202, having achieved the vaunted Stephen Drew above .200 status last week, when he went on a torrid 2-for-9 s0treak. On the mound is Brandon Pinder, doing mop-up, saving the Yankee bullpen for the playoffs.

Behind home plate sits a handful of super-rich beer farts. Most of the Trumpian crowd is swilling crab legs in the buffet line, or dancing in the stadium disco, or they stayed home anyway. Sitting in the middle of this collection is the famed Yankee executive, public relations whiz, and esteemed class warfare sociologist, Lonn Trost, who turns toward the game, points to Big Papi and yells, "Wait a f---g minute, I know this guy. It's Big Pog, or Big Palin, something." His 16-year-old escort screams, "It's Pig Boppy," and everybody laughs. Lonn gives her a kiss and thinks, I don't care if she's poor and loud, this little firecracker understands me! 

Ortiz steps into the batters box and waits for the announcer to say his name. Nothing happens. The P.A. system isn't working. There is silence as the 22,000 in attendance slowly realize the implications of this historic moment.

This is it... the culmination of one man's career, the end of an era, and the last vestige of what was once the greatest rivalry in sports. And everybody in Yankee Stadium does the right thing.

They set aside their animosities, bury their collective hatchets... they react as One.

They rise from their seats, turn their backs to home plate, unhitch their pantaloonies and bend over.

That's right. The Papi Moon. Imagine the Yankee Stadium crowd, united in one grand moment - the moonment - giving David Ortiz a sendoff he will never forget.

It's only a Papi Moon.

That's what should happen. He could even hit a home run. I wouldn't care.

John Sterling Fact of the Day

Among the possessions John lost in his 2015 apartment fire was an autographed photo and letter from Baywatch actress and Playboy model Erika Eleniak. [Source]

John Sterling on the 2016 Yankees: "You have to play the games."

The Master sat down with Boomer and somebody last week. Why didn't this get more coverage? (That damn Trump!)  Some central points made by John:

Starting pitching: "The key to the team. (Emphasis, mine) If their starting pitching stays healthy, you know what they'll have at the end of the game, and they'll have enough offense."

What will happen? "That's a big question. No one can answer it, either. But that's a big question: Will they stay healthy?"

What about Didi Gregorius? "He was terrific in the second half, both with the glove, and he also hit a bit."

What about Mark Teixeira? (John crinkles face.) "Well, in spring training, everything is good. So you have to, you have to wait and see. It doesn't really matter what your opinion is. You have to play the games."

Honoring David Ortiz: "He's been such a great player, such an important part of the Yankee-Redsocks competition. And don't forget, they honored both Mariano and Jeter."

Doomed to repeat? Meet the new spring... same as the old spring.

Psst. You. Yeah, you. Wanna make some quick clams in Vegas? Well, keep this under your hat, but a little birdie tells me this pitcher for the Yankees is gonna be really something this year. Yep, a source down in Tampa says he was looking really good yesterday. The pitcher's name is Ivan Nova, and this source - I'll just call him Joe - doesn't just talk up a guy unless he means it...

Insert wretch here.

It's that time of year. Happy Talk Time. By now, everything that can be said about the 2016 Yankees has had a winter to fester. All the "LISTS OF KEY YANKEES IN 2016" have been published. All the depth charts have been completed. (Actually, we added career banjo-hitting 1B Chris Parmelee yesterday, changing the dynamics in Scranton!) So what is there to say, except Mel Thunderthigh has reported in the best condition of his career, or Ernie McBombthrower has developed a knee-buckling new change-up, and young Snappy McBarfalot has found religion, and he's now dedicating each at bat to God. It's Happy Talk Time.

Ivan Nova plans a big year in 2016? Guess what? He planned a big 2015! Let's set the Wayback for last February and visit the Yankees archive.

2/25/2015 | Ryan hopes for larger role in Yankees' infield 

Brendan Ryan knows what the back of his baseball card has looked like for the last few seasons, but the Yankees infielder believes that he can be counted on for more than just a good glove.

2/24/2015 | Bailey hoping to make Yankees' investment pay off 

The Yankees have preached patience with Andrew Bailey, hoping that the former All-Star closer will be able to take advantage of their facilities and pay big dividends down the line. That time may be quickly approaching.

2/24/2015 | Capuano ready to earn one of Yanks' 5 spots 

Chris Capuano is being looked at as a strong contender to pitch in the back end of manager Joe Girardi's rotation, and the veteran left-hander said he is not concerned about the possibility of being the odd man out later in the year.

2/24/2015 | Nova able to pace himself at Yankees' camp 

Ivan Nova refuses to look too far ahead, resisting the urge thus far to peek at the schedule and circle some summer dates. As he continues to rehab from Tommy John surgery, the Yankees' right-hander has been absorbing his plans one week at a time.

2/23/2015 | Beltran eager to get back to form in pinstripes 

Injuries kept Carlos Beltran from producing the type of numbers that he expected in his first Yankees season, and as he takes his first swings of Spring Training, the veteran slugger believes that he is coming back with something to prove.

2/21/2015 | Sabathia excited to get back on the field 

As CC Sabathia prepared to step on an outdoor mound for the first time this year on Saturday morning, the big left-hander could not hold back a toothy grin. He understands the questions of doubters -- especially having been limited to just eight starts last season -- and is looking forward to the challenge ahead.

2/23/2015 | Yankees made 'significant offer' to Moncada 

The Yankees made a $25 million pitch for Yoan Moncada on Sunday, but it was not enough to reach an agreement with the switch-hitting Cuban infielder.

YOAN MONCADA... SLOOOOOOOOOOWLY, I TURN! STEP BY STEP...

Shock Photo Proves: It Doesn't Matter Who Wins Elections and It Doesn't Matter Who Wins Ballgames

L to R: Yankee fan Giuliani, Yankee fan Trump, Red Sox fan Bloomberg, professed Yankee convert Clinton, Yankee monument Torre, Diamondback investor Crystal.

John Sterling Fact of the Day

John was teased as a boy for his deep voice. [Source]