Sodo Mojo Trumps Yankee Juju

At 6 p.m. EDT on Wednesday, Aug. 15, as El Dookie was signing books and slamming down Pineda coladas with the literati at the Colgate Inn, Felix Hernandez was mowing down 27 consecutive Tampa Bay Rays at Safeco Field in Seattle. The game the Yankees gained on the Rays that day could turn out to be big for the Bombers, but it’s likely the last gift King Felix ever gives them (unless sending A-Rod to the DL still counts). In the aftermath of his perfect game, the dream of Felix coming to the Yankees in a trade or free agency is all but dead. 

Felix deals in front of his "King's Court."



Just as in the 1995 AL Division Series, Sodo Mojo trumps Yankee juju. The adulation heaped upon Felix by Mariners management, his teammates and Seattle fans since the perfecto has quashed any possibility of dealing him before his current contract expires (two more seasons, about $20 million per). And everything the King has said in every interview and press conference since that game has been positive (and seemed genuine) about staying in Seattle, making a contract extension this winter a real possibility. Even before 40,000 fans showed up for Felix’s next start (for free yellow T-shirts and K cards commemorating the perfect game), Seattle sports radio host (and Syracuse University alum) Mitch Levy got Felix to "promise" on the air that he'd stay. "You guys will be happy, I'm not going nowhere," Felix said, and then repeated, "Yeah, I promise. I'm not going nowhere."

The only questions about an extension are how long and how much. With Ichiro’s $18 million per season off the books, a $100 million Felix deal won’t hurt the M’s so much. The Mariners are starting to turn things around (an AL-best 25-13 since the All-Star break, 20-9 in the post-Ichiro era) with low-salaried young players, so GM JayZee (Jack Zduriencik) has flexibility with his payroll.

Montero: Loves Pineda coladas and walks in the rain..

One of the keys to the Mariners future is, of course, Jesus Montero, who arrived in the trade for the ill-fated Michael Pineda. Montero’s 438-foot, three-run homer in the seventh inning of the Felix lovefest broke a 2-1 game wide open for the King. Montero told The Seattle Times that he hit the ball so hard that he initially lost sight of it in the lights. "I was surprised because the ball took off so quick,'' he said. "I said, 'Where's the ball?' And the ball was in the stands. That's crazy.'' The ball, which bounced off the out-of-town scoreboard above the Mariners bullpen, left Montero's bat at 113 miles per hour, according to the ESPN Home Run Tracker, the fastest off the bat of any of Montero’s 17 major league homers. And it came off a right-handed pitcher, too. He’s just 23, and he gets better all the time.

There is one bit of good news for el Dookie and company: After winning eight in a row and 15 of 16 games at home, the Mariners have passed the Boston Red Sox in the AL wild card race and have a three-game set with them at the Safe starting Labor Day.

Lalalalala. Yanks holding 5-game lead in Wild Card standings

Wow. Vicodan is great. You pop a couple tabs of that stuff, and it really opens up your sinesses... So, where were we...?

Ah, yes...With the expected return of veteran superstar CC Sabathia, the Bombers have to be feeling clucky about their 5-game lead in the AL Wild Card races. They have the luxury of penciling in CC for that all-important single game season, then having Hiroki Kuroda start game one of the actual playoffs!

Looks like we'll play Baltimore or California in that Wild Card Game. Right now, we'd have home field advantage, although there's still 38 games to play. Take nothing for granted, Yankiverse!

So... will we be facing Jered Weaver? Or do we have to start looking at the Baltimore rotation?

One big advantage: Soon, we'll open the Scranton roster, being able to bring up Adam Warren, Austin Romine, Frankie Cervelli, Chris Dickerson and Corey Wade. The cavalry is coming!

And let's not rule out the chance of Brain Cashman pulling off some waiver coupe. Whatever we need, he's patrolling the wires as we speak.

Also, if the team tanks, it will be easier for the Steinbrothers to shrink payroll down to the ideal $187 million next spring! Things couldn't be coming up rosier! Lalalalalalalalala. Hey, look, a revolver! I wonder if it's loaded?

Let's All Count Backwards from 10..9..8...7..6..5..4..3..

So, do we have a travel day tomorrow?

When do we score another run?

What a smash mouth team.

We only struck out 13 times.  Grandy, I think, has struck out 170 times so far.

But as long as Derek keeps setting records we can remind ourselves of what longevity will do for a ball club.

Football starts September 5th.

Ivan Nova: The Haiku

Once, so much promise;

What the hell happened to him?

... we're so fucking doomed

You decide, we report FANS ANOINT ICHIRO Beckett-Bomber Rode Fast Track To "True Yankee" Status

HEAL, ANDY, HEAL

Mayday, mayday, if anybody can hear me, we are the survivors of Yankee-Oceanic Airlines Flight 2012. Our plane crashed and left us on a mysterious island for six TV seasons, and the plot has become so convoluted that we no longer recognize our own backstories. We need help. Fast. We'd forgotten about Michael Pineda, who has now turned up as a drunk. We thought Joba was killed in an underground Kidz Zone, but now he's returned as the evil smoke monster, and worst of all, the Steinbrothers have turned into Thurston and Lovey Howell, and they don't even belong on our show. Please, I beg of you... forward this message to Somewhere, Texas. Sending text as follows: ANDY PETTITTE, SAVE US...


Four-game lead. Thirty-nine left to play.

OK. Getagrip. Listen: We are in freefall. The plane is going to crash. Don your life vests. Take your positions. Hold in your minds one rock of purity, one card to play, one last hope of untainted virture. He is somewhere in Texas with his hoof in a giant medicated Zino pad. Maybe he is working the toes, learning to type with his feet like Daniel Day Lewis. Or maybe he is testing it, pushing himself, because we need Andy Pettitte like Italy needs olives. We need him to save our falling butts.

Because listenup... We're out of juju. We're out of starters. We're out of minor league pitchers with a month of arm-strength. The cupboard is bare. We're not signing Wally Whitehurst. Folks, we're stuck on this crazy island, and Joba keeps reappearing - even though he's dead - and motioning for us to follow him into the live volcano. Bad idea, people. We've seen the show.  BAD IDEA.

Yesterday, I did the math.

We have 39 games left. (Make it 40, because math is not my strong suit.)
If w we can win six of 10 - .600 percentage – the Rays have to do 7 of 10. That's the 1927 Yankees. We need six of 10.

But how? Every 10 games is two turns of the rotation. It's no stretch to think Kuroda and Sabathia can win three of their four. Halfway there. Thus, we need three wins from the others. That's where we get lost.

Right now, maybe Hughes maybe wins one of his two. But Freddy is imploding, Nova is horrible, Phelps is shaky, Scranton doesn't exist, and our bullpen can kill us at any time. (Not to mention Robbie Cano is terrible right now.)

We have one hope, folks. His name is Andy Pettitte. If he makes it back by Sept. 11, he's maybe four starts. We need four wins.

Mayday, mayday. Come in, Andy. We are the survivors of Yankee-Oceanic Airlines Flight 2012. Captain Girardi has gone crazy. We are stranded on a tropical island somewhere in the Pacific. It is sinking. Please write down these coordinates... 6 of 10, 6 of 10, 6 of 10... mayday. mayday, can you hear me? Does anybody hear me... 

Andruw Jones Strikes Out ( as he often does )

I just want you to know, we are losing this game.  You can all go to bed.

It is time to begin panic.

Last night John proposed a solution to Michael Pineda's need to tipple

Blockbuster Proposal From Romney/Ryan Ticket !

In addition to eliminating social security, medicare and taxes for the 1%, rumors are appearing in tweets everywhere that this dynamic duo has a plan to save billions from major league baseball.

The principle rumor is this:  THE RED SOX WILL BE BANNED FROM FURTHER PARTICIPTION IN THE SPORT.

                                                                      
                                              BANNED BY ROMNEY/RYAN TICKET


The rumors are based upon his desire to get back at the people of the state he used to govern for allowing him to pass Romneycare.

In place of the Red Sox, so the unofficial stories go, a new franchise will be awarded to Salt Lake City.
The new team will be called the "Mormonaters," and they will be in the AL East.

Personally, I feel this is the duo's best platform idea.

Was Girardi Watching?

So it is the bottom of the 5th and we are up 3-0.

The phantom double over third base is called back and, instead of a White Sock on second with no out, we have one out and no one on.

Freddy is already at 95 pitches in the Chicago sun.

The next guy gets a hit.

The next guy goes yard and the game stands at 3-2.

The next guy gets a hit.

Excuse me, Joe, what the frig are you doing?  Giving an interview on tv?

It's so important to let Freddy get 5 innings under his belt for an unlikely win that you leave him in when he is clearly spent, can't throw strikes, has lost his good stuff ( 76 mph ), and is getting hammered?

Joe has done that more than once this year.

I would have pulled Freddy the moment he gave up the first legit hit there in the fifth.  It was almost 100 pitches by then.

On the other hand, it isn't going to matter.

This team ( look at the line-up ) isn't going to win a lot more games.

If we don't hit 4 homers, and we can't get to Soriano, we are going down early and often.

Maybe Joba needs a second midge attack to reverse the bad ju-ju from the first one.  He is clearly nothing at the moment.

Yankeetorial: Are we witnessing the Yankee End of Times?

Four-game lead. Bullpen in flames. Pineda doll now a human pin-cushion. The glaciers are melting.

It's not Shark Week. It's Ark Week.

Listen: Forget the drought, the floods, the wildfires, the death of that Beastie Boy and even the demonic-seeded pregnancy of Jennifer Aniston. For my money, the first omen appeared in the human guise of Corey Wade. For months, he was Corey Koufax. Then, bang, Colter Bean. It wa like watching Jerry Lewis devolve from Buddy Love in The Nutty Professor. Corey is now roaming the NYS Thruway for a Sbarro's that serves liquor, hoping to forget his last outing for the "Scranton" Pavement Floaters: He surrendered a three-run homer. His exile to Triple A has become a microcosm of our entire season: Lights out, bang, Colter Bean.

Now it's Joba. Disney Channel story of the year. Returns after Tommy John and the Kidz Zone. Last night he dinged Youkilis - (great nostalgia moment, btw! Youk's 16th career HBP against the Yankees; if he stays healthy, he can take 20!). Whenever Joba appears, it's that Mothman movie: Something bad happens. Joe cannot pitch him without a 10-run cushion. Joba comes in with a cloud over his head. With his contract running out, we must now ponder the end of Joba as a Yankee: His great days came early. After that, he was not Joba. He was Brian Bruney.

Epply, Rapata, even David Robertson - who do we have in the bullpen that can stop the rising sea? Soriano?

Four-game lead. That's a series. That's a week. That's half of Freddy Garcia's remaining starts.

We thought it couldn't happen. We thought Brett Gardner would return. We thought Pineda would heal. We thought we could simply hit home runs and bludgeon our way to a division title, then take our chances in the post-season. We have 19 games left with the Rays, Orioles and - yes - the zombie Redsocks, who have nothing left to live for other than hurting us in a big series.

We face Boston on the three games of our season.

Do we want them ruling our fate at the End of Times? Double bubble toil and trouble. WTF was THAT? Did you hear a shrieking sound off in the distance? Colter Bean has risen from the grave...

Pineda Takes Re-Hab Seriously

                                                                                  

Michael Pineda, the Yankee, is working hard in south Florida to get his body and mind in shape for the 2013 season. He has taken a page from Carl Pavano: Eat KFC by the bucket Hang with babe in convertibles Crash into garbage trucks Recently, Michael left a bar at 3am and drove straight to a Yankee work out facility, to test his surgical arm. This is one dedicated Yankee who, at 355 pounds, wants to win the hearts and minds of Yankee fans everywhere. Unfortunately, and perhaps unfairly, he was stopped for another DUI and had to spend the night in the can. I mean jail.

Introducing the NAME-YOUR-MINOR-LEAGUE-TEAM Generator

The Vermont Lake Monsters? The Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs? Charleston Riverdogs? The (proposed) Scranton Wilkes Barre Trolley Frogs? WTF in the name of the Toledo Mud Hens has happened to minor league baseball?

Well, we all know the answer: General managers with MBAs, who don't give a crap about traditions of the game. They just need bizarre merch-marketing schemes. Crazier the better. And they don't fear clunkers, either. They change the name every few years.

Today, the perfect minor league team name is kinky, ridiculous, obliquely rooted in local history (but not necessarilyy) and preferably at least three syllables. But a franchise cities must move quickly. Every day, punk bands steal great names that could save teams in Altoona or Chattanooga. (Close your eyes and think of it:  The Scranton-Wilkes Barre Pussy Riot!) 

Need to name your team? Mix a prefix and suffix, and hey, you're in the ballpark!

Prefixes: (Choose one)
Laughing... Speckled... Barn... Morning... Sewer... Pavement... Sky...
Thunder... Pond... Highway... Sonic... Candy... Stinging... Invisible...
Suffixes: (Choose one)
Beagles... Berries... Flossers... Pigeons... Crannies... Croakers...Worms... Peaches... Poachers... Cakes... Floaters... Yokes... Kernals...

Examples:

The Elmira Laughing Beagles.
The Utica Morning Flossers
The Cortland Thunder Crannies
The Batavia Sewer Peaches
The Oneida Barn Kernals
The Lowville Sonic Worms
The Watertown Stinging Pigeons
The Massina Sky Yokes...

Go ahead: Name your team!

Yankeetorial: Let us now ponder a Redsock collapse for the ages

Last year, Boston's championship dream endured to the final night of the season. This year, it didn't make Labor Day.

Folks, this is epic, historic... worthy a Jared Diamond book. This is Ozymandius. This is a narrative poem by a blind ancient Greek. We have witnessed one of the most spectacular downfalls in sports history - no, human history. The great Boston run that began in 2002 has ended, ten years later.

We have been there. Boston is Steinbrennerian, circa 1986. Nick Punto is Lenn Sakata, John Lackey is Ed Whitson, and Carl Crawford is Danny Tartabull. Larry Luccino is Murray Cook, John Henry is wavy-haired George, and the city of Boston is the ever-burning Bronx of yesterday, as piloted by Dick Young, Abe Beam and Bernie Goetz.

They chased away their team captain, their manager and their general manager - architects of two World Championships - with pitch forks.

They traded Kevin Youkilis just to be rid of Kevin Youkilis.

They ran Papelbon out of town, just as they did Roger Clemens and Wade Boggs nearly a generation earlier.

They booed Johnny Damon so lustily that, despite all he'd done for them, he refused to return.

Oh, and did I mention that Curt Schilling will not be a future candidate for U.S. Senate?

Two Redsocks - Josh Beckett and David Ortiz - remain from the 2004 team, which blew a mile-deep crater into our lives. It is likely that neither will return next year. Boston has had enough. Will Middlebrooks is the future. They intend to press REBOOT.

Listen: This is what humanity does best. We rise, and then we fall. Hard. One day, the Mayans run Mexico. Then, kaboom, they're gone, and we can't even understand their calendar.

What is world history other than the sad fate of great baseball teams - the lost colonies, the lost civilizations, and the hubris of dynasties that were suddenly obliterated by a storm or a microbe or a pretty face?

Let the PBS historians argue about what really happened to Boston. But today, as we dance on their grave, let us face the reality of our own brief moment in the sunlight.

Nothing lasts forever.

One of these days, Derek Jeter will close his locker, and we will never see the likes of him again.

One of these days, Mariano Rivera will say it's over, and no one like him will ever appear in pinstripes.

Blink, and 10 years go by.

And 10 years in baseball is a career.

Boston (2002-12) is no more. Our rivalry is moving to Baltimore. Long live the Varitek Redsocks. Next time we see them, it will be in an old-timers day game.

(Oh, and if Chavez retires, should we sign Youk in the off-season as backup 3B?)

You should have come to us, Melky

Next time, don't incriminate yourself further by making a fake website. You can use this one instead!

Letter to the Editor: Yankees are why Upstate NY needs high-speed rail

The Post Standard (Syracuse, NY)

August 13, 2012 Monday

To the Editor:

I recently took my 9-year-old grandson, a big Yankees fan, to see a New York Yankees' ballgame. Our plan was to arrive in New York City about 12:30 p.m., (scheduled arrival time), meet my son who works in the city, see the sights and take the subway to Yankee Stadium for a 7 p.m. game. On game day we awoke at 5 a.m. and arrived at the Syracuse Amtrak station at 6:15 a.m. for a 7 a.m. departure. As departure time neared, an announcement was made that the train would be half an hour late due to traffic lights not working. After repeated delays, we boarded for a 9 a.m. departure.

We finally arrived at Penn Station about 3 p.m. Our plans to see the 9/11 Memorial and the Statue of Liberty were reduced to viewing the memorial from the street and the statue from the distant view of Battery Park. The stadium, the Yankees' Memorial Park and seeing the delight and excitement displayed by my son and grandson was a wonderful experience. However, the following day we returned to Central New York after a hot, (the air conditioner was not working), six-hour train ride.

Imagine a three- to four-hour train ride to New York City, maybe even Montreal, seeing a ballgame, a show or shopping, and returning to Syracuse the same day. Our short time in New York City was overwhelmed by 12 hours on the train, plus three to four hours waiting at the stations and having to spend an overnight in a New York City hotel.

We have the ability to create a high-speed rail system, and we even have the offering of tax dollars to do it. I ask that our legislators do what is necessary to make high-speed rail a reality.

John Romano

North Syracuse

Yankeetorial: It's ludicrous to think tonight's game is all or nothing, right?

Comrades: Close your eyes and repeat after me:

"We are a light year ahead of Boston. They are done, and everybody knows it. We are resting critical players for October, and we have built a comfy-cozy lead. Baltimore will fade. Tampa isn't as strong as they think. We just took three out of four from Texas. We will soon welcome back Arod, Andy and Tex, plus all those major league vets we stashed all season on the NY State Thruway. We are golden. Nothing bad can happen."

Yeah, right. Made you feel sick, didn't it?

If we lose tonight, it's be the second home series we've blown to a team that couldn't beat Minnesota a week ago, a team that's still collapsing from last year, and a lousy team, to boot.

If we lose tonight, we will literally have picked up Boston - Josh Beckett, Teacher's Pet and company - dusted them off, given them water and sent them out to play the last month like it matters.

If we lose tonight, we can't beat the Redsocks... well... it's 2011 all over again... in reverse?

I'm sorry, folks. I understand that everything in paragraph one is true. But all year we've watched this homer-happy team go wet in the crotch with runners in scoring position, and we know what happens when free-swingers wade into the playoffs -- how the Fisters and the Hollands turn us into Russell Branyan and Jack Cust. We've been hoping the Yankees elevate their game - not soil the baselines when it counts.

I'm sorry, folks, but it's too early to grow our playoff beards. We lose tonight, and we're a house of cards.

I know, I know, I know... There's a lot of baseball left to play. That's what scares me.

Letter to the Editor: The Girardi controversy continues in Buffalo

Buffalo News
August 12, 2012 Sunday

Dear Editor

I agree with the letter in the July 29 edition of the News rightly criticizing Yankee "manager" Joe Girardi for taking out pitchers who are going good and putting in pitchers who can't find the plate. I think the Yankees are winning in spite of Girardi not because of him.

Sure wish we could bring back Joe Torre or bring in Terry Francona out of retirement or bring Jim Leyland over from Detroit and send Girardi packing.

Kal Sheheen

Amherst

Yanks' Newest Rival: The Ruling Class

NEW YORK -- Boston reliever Craig Breslow, of Trumbull, Conn., and catcher Ryan Lavarnway on Saturday became what is thought to be the first all-Yale battery in the major leagues since 1883.

It is time to go to sleep, dear friend

Close your eyes. You've had a busy time. It's over. There is no use struggling anymore.

We're going to take this comfortable pillow and set it over your face. Do not fight. Do not be sad. There will be no pain. There will be no more sadness. When you wake up - well - you will be in a better place than this.

Don't move. Just say right there. Close your eyes. It all be over soon.