Will the most interesting Yankee in 2016, by far, spend the year in Scranton?

The 2015 Yankees - generally a tired, boring team - gave us two great moments.

One was Carlos Beltran's pinch-hit, three-run HR against the Blue Jays, which snapped Toronto's 11-game win streak, restored the Yankees into first, and briefly made Beltran's three-year contract seem 1,000 pounds lighter around the neck.

The second was "the Slade Heathcott game." Heathcott - who looked good in early summer, got hurt and disappeared - homered to beat Tampa - another three-run shot - after the Yankees had been no-hit for eight innings and gone down to their last out. Gardner had signed, A-Rod hit a double, McCann was walked, and Heathcott came out of nowhere... which, for him, was business as usual.

It feels like we've waited a hundred years on Heathcott. He's only 25. He was drafted out of Texarkana High School - our number one pick - with a Josh Hamilton buzz, in part due to his torturous background. The details of his teenage upbringing - he was homeless, he was an alcoholic, he was - as the trainers would say - day-to-day - slowly came out. On the day after an excruciatingly long piece on him was published in the Charleston paper, Heathcott sparked a massive brawl with an opposing catcher. He looked too volatile to make it. Then came the injuries, one after another, often self-inflicted because he ran into a wall or dove onto his shoulder. The Yankees dropped him from the 40-man roster. We resigned him, and boom - there he was last September, hitting the HR that might be the only thing he's remembered for.

Even now, he faces an OF so crowded that it will be tough to find playing time in Scranton.

Yet there he is - still the great Yankee hope, sort of.

I don't wish ill on any Yankee player. I don't need to. If anybody thinks Gardner, Ellsbury and Beltran can last the season, they haven't watched the team. And the jury remains out on our two Aarons - Hicks and Judge - until they perform. But my secret hopes still rest on Slade Heathcott, the most interesting Yankee in the last five years. It's been a long, crazy road for the guy.

This is his year. Keep fingers crossed.

Dear Commissioner Manfred: Aroldis Chapman needs to be suspended for 46 days

Dear Mr. Manfred,

Latest scuttle-butt from Tamptown says tomorrow, you will hand down your long-awaited ruling on girlfriend-choker/garage-door-shooter/Yankee closer Aroldis Chapman. Even though the Chapster wasn't arrested by police, news coverage of his "incident" dictates that you must suspend him for enough time to get the message across:

Major League Baseball will not tolerate anything less than the highest moral caliber from its players and team employees, (owners and executives notwithstanding.)

Sir, Chapman deserves 46 days in the penalty box.

Why 46? Well, for starters - 46 is the number of human chromosomes, so there's the cool symbolism thingy. Secondly, 46 is a Wedderburn-Etherington number and a centered triangular number - the sum of the totient function for the first twelve integers. In fact, while we're jellin' on 46, it's the largest even integer that cannot be expressed as a sum of two abundant numbers!

Yep. In other words, if an even integer (Chapman) is pushing around an abundant hot number (his girlfriend), well - mathematically speaking, 46 is the bomb. Forty-six, baby! Slap it in the books, and the message will get heard: Don't choke your honey. Don't shoot your garage. Don't do drugs. And don't be cruel... to a heart that's true.

The perfect suspension - divorcing ourselves, for a moment, from the horror of domestic abuse - would be 46 days. As an aside, such a suspension would mean the Yankees get to keep Chapman not only this season, but next. That has nothing to do with this.

My guess is the guy has two good seasons in him, because nobody throws 104 mph forever, and he might be just the kind of fellow who should factor alimony payments into his financial future... so come 2017, he'll probably want a 10-year-day with three opt-outs... unless he's lashed to the Yankees for two years like Ahab to the whale.

Of course, the Yankees will have to pay him for two years. That means Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner will serve margarine instead of butter at family functions... but get this: he will be lowering his cholesterol!

Sir, give Chapman 46 days, and I bet the Yankee franchise won't even appeal your decision.

It's win-win... 46 times! Forty-six days, Commissioner! Put it in the books!

Forget the stars, ignore the rooks: It's the scrap heap that matters in 2016

In recent years, Brian Cashman hasn't really hooked a free agent Reggie or raised the next Thurman. The big signings - Ellsbury, McCann, Beltran, Headley - have yet to yield one post-season victory. The big prospects - Severino, Bird, Judge, et al - must still prove themselves. Cash did a few Trumpian deals - Didi Gregorious his masterwork. But it's the scrap heap where Cash is king. Be it Yangervis Solarte, Chris Young or a bullpen lug nut, Cash knows raggedy suits and used toasters. The Yankees are the Retrieval Empire.

So who will be the scrap heap position acquisitions of 2016?

Frankly, they are probably yet to come. The scrap draft comes in late March, when the best teams clean their stables. Joel Sherman this week wrote that he thinks the Yankee backup 3B is not yet in camp. He'll be some discard. By then, injuries will be reporting to Tampa, and Cashman will be trying to spackle over the holes.

But for now, here are the likely best scrap heap position players in camp.

Ronald Torreyes, 23, a middle infielder. Switch hitter. Last year, he bounced all over creation, five teams, but still batted .261 with four home runs. He got a glimpse of the Dodgers - (eight games, two for six) - and then disappeared. He's 5'10," a glove man. Not particularly fast - five SB, four CS. If something happens to Didi... 

Carlos Corporan, 32, switch-hitting backup C. To call him a switch-hitter is a misnomer. He doesn't hit either way. But he's a tank. It's him or Austin Romine to start the season as McCann's backup, and Romine can't seem to find a break in this world. The Yankees won't start with Gary Sanchez, unless McCann gets hurt. If we're lucky, Corporan is a cheaper Jose Molina. 

Pete Kozma, 28, RH IF. One of many former first-round draft picks we have accumulated. He has never hit. (Wait - that's not true: In 2008, he hit .284 for Quad City in the Midwestern League.) He can field. In his minor league career, he's batted .238. He's a few injuries away from starting.

Chris Parmelee, 28, RH 1B. Former first-rounder, natch. Career .245 hitter in MLB, without discernible power. (28 HRs in five years.) We signed him last week to hold down 1B at Scranton, because of the injury to Greg Bird. 

Lane Adams, 26, RH, OF. He's bounced around the KC farm system for eight years, but last season was his peak. At Double and Triple A, he hit a combined .281 with 16 HRs. He also stole 31 bases. Trouble is, the Yankees have several OF candidates at Scranton, so I don't know how this guy gets playing time. Well, actually, I do: somebody gets hurt. It always comes down to that, eh?

One of these days, we'll look at the scrap heap pitchers. Not exciting. But the scrap heap never is.. 

John Sterling Fact of the Day

1-800-916-8000 is the number to call to book John for "a guest appearance, motivational keynote speech, grand opening, autograph signing, product announcement, employee gathering, or for an exclusive meet and greet." [Source]

This year, A-Rod has nowhere to go but down

The first Yankee to arrive in Tampa is always Hope. He pulls in before the first pitch is thrown, the first body is weighed. He begins with the team's annual Top 10 prospects lists - which never compare the Yankees with other teams. Then come the tongue-panting stories of new world outlooks, improved workouts, upgraded diets, blah-blah-blah... the crapola that writers funnel and fans eat with knife and fork. Our spring buffet!

So, today, let us savor the fresh, steaming write-ups that proclaim Alex Rodriguez as Mr. Yankee, noting the difference from last year, when the Gammonites were measuring his neck for the noose.

Last year, the likes of Billy Madden were telling us - assuring us - that A-Rod would never - ever - play another game as a Yankee. When A-Rod arrived early, the act was viewed as a craven attempt to seem like he actually cared. When he apologized, it was a craven attempt to grab headlines. Whatever he said was viewed through a gotcha lens.

This year, everything is groovy.

Too groovy?

A-Rod better not cash those good will checks. He's 40, he's a full-time DH on a team loaded with DHs, and if he starts slogging as he did last September, he'll find himself once again on the wrong side of the line.

And let's not kid ourselves with high-brow talk of cheating or basic morality: If a player hits, or if a pitcher pitches, the fans always forgive, and the teams always pay out.

Last year, you had the feeling that Alex Rodriguez was the only person in the world who had faith in Alex Rodriguez. He had only one option - to fight for his survival. This year - hate to be a nudge - but he can only go downhill. Let's cross our fingers. One more year?

Uh-oh. Gardy's wrist didn't heal all winter

And now they're having him skip batting practice.

Of course, it's just the start of camp. Good grief. Why worry? If it were in the middle of July, he'd be out there, taking B.P.

Still... it didn't heal over the winter?

John Sterling Fact of the Day

John's father, Carl H. T. Sloss, was a Manhattan advertising executive. [Source]

Stringbean Sandoval looks ready to answer the bell... the dinner bell

The Redsocks say the Panda has lowered his body fat ratio from 21 percent to 17 percent. Clearly, the new slim and trim Sandoval means the Yankees are in trouble.

Gammonites are raving about Hal Steinbrenner's big Yankee acquisition - a hill!

Hold on to your hats, everybody! Word from Tamptown is that Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner has shed his bingo parlor outlook and shelled out BIG TIME on a Yankee upgrade. No, he didn't buy a pitcher. He bought a hill. SEE IT!

Yes, a hill... you know, to run up and down, like Jack and Jill. In the old days, players ran stadium steps. Not anymore! The Yankees have a brand new, state-of-the-art hill. And the writers are in love. SEE IT!

Don't get this wrong. This is not a knoll. Nope. The Milwaukee Brewers can run up and down a mound. This is a hill - Yankee Hill. Damn, I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it... Those youngsters, standing at the foot of Yankee Hill, thinking of all the great Yankees who will run up and down. This is no mere conditioning tool. It's a metaphor... for climbing to the top of the hill!

I can barely contain myself. The Yankees didn't need pitching, after all. We just needed an edge, and now we've got it. Our own hill. At last, we've outsmarted the Redsocks. They don't have a hill. And if we get into a hill-climbing contest, well, let's just say they brought piss to a shit fight.

Someday, I'm thinking the Hill goes into Monument Park. Its number will be retired, and we'll honor it with a day at Yankee Stadium. They'll bring out all its teammates - the weight machine, the treadmill, the jacuzzi - everybody will be crying when Hal pulls down the curtain to reveal - the bronze plaque: The Hill. SEE IT!

I'm telling you, being a Yankee fan, every day is Christmas. What will Hal give us tomorrow? A creek? A pond? A sand trap? Wait... I got it! A boulder! Guys can push it up the hill. It'll be incredible!

John Sterling Fact of the Day

The first time John used his "It is high, it is far, it is gone" call was for a Dale Murphy homer off a Dwight Gooden breaking ball. [Source]

The revolution will not be YESSed

Seething Yankee indignation grows.

David Ortiz: "You know what I want most of all? I would love it if the fans at Yankee Stadium gave me a standing ovation." (I've got a better idea.)

In the perfect alternative universe, here's David Ortiz's last moment in Yankee Stadium...

It's cold and wet. Ninth inning. Yanks lead by 12. It's late September (and I really should be back at school.) Boston's been out of the wild card race for six weeks. Ortiz pinch hits for Dustin Pedroia, who is batting .192. Papi himself is hitting .202, having achieved the vaunted Stephen Drew above .200 status last week, when he went on a torrid 2-for-9 s0treak. On the mound is Brandon Pinder, doing mop-up, saving the Yankee bullpen for the playoffs.

Behind home plate sits a handful of super-rich beer farts. Most of the Trumpian crowd is swilling crab legs in the buffet line, or dancing in the stadium disco, or they stayed home anyway. Sitting in the middle of this collection is the famed Yankee executive, public relations whiz, and esteemed class warfare sociologist, Lonn Trost, who turns toward the game, points to Big Papi and yells, "Wait a f---g minute, I know this guy. It's Big Pog, or Big Palin, something." His 16-year-old escort screams, "It's Pig Boppy," and everybody laughs. Lonn gives her a kiss and thinks, I don't care if she's poor and loud, this little firecracker understands me! 

Ortiz steps into the batters box and waits for the announcer to say his name. Nothing happens. The P.A. system isn't working. There is silence as the 22,000 in attendance slowly realize the implications of this historic moment.

This is it... the culmination of one man's career, the end of an era, and the last vestige of what was once the greatest rivalry in sports. And everybody in Yankee Stadium does the right thing.

They set aside their animosities, bury their collective hatchets... they react as One.

They rise from their seats, turn their backs to home plate, unhitch their pantaloonies and bend over.

That's right. The Papi Moon. Imagine the Yankee Stadium crowd, united in one grand moment - the moonment - giving David Ortiz a sendoff he will never forget.

It's only a Papi Moon.

That's what should happen. He could even hit a home run. I wouldn't care.

John Sterling Fact of the Day

Among the possessions John lost in his 2015 apartment fire was an autographed photo and letter from Baywatch actress and Playboy model Erika Eleniak. [Source]

John Sterling on the 2016 Yankees: "You have to play the games."

The Master sat down with Boomer and somebody last week. Why didn't this get more coverage? (That damn Trump!)  Some central points made by John:

Starting pitching: "The key to the team. (Emphasis, mine) If their starting pitching stays healthy, you know what they'll have at the end of the game, and they'll have enough offense."

What will happen? "That's a big question. No one can answer it, either. But that's a big question: Will they stay healthy?"

What about Didi Gregorius? "He was terrific in the second half, both with the glove, and he also hit a bit."

What about Mark Teixeira? (John crinkles face.) "Well, in spring training, everything is good. So you have to, you have to wait and see. It doesn't really matter what your opinion is. You have to play the games."

Honoring David Ortiz: "He's been such a great player, such an important part of the Yankee-Redsocks competition. And don't forget, they honored both Mariano and Jeter."

Doomed to repeat? Meet the new spring... same as the old spring.

Psst. You. Yeah, you. Wanna make some quick clams in Vegas? Well, keep this under your hat, but a little birdie tells me this pitcher for the Yankees is gonna be really something this year. Yep, a source down in Tampa says he was looking really good yesterday. The pitcher's name is Ivan Nova, and this source - I'll just call him Joe - doesn't just talk up a guy unless he means it...

Insert wretch here.

It's that time of year. Happy Talk Time. By now, everything that can be said about the 2016 Yankees has had a winter to fester. All the "LISTS OF KEY YANKEES IN 2016" have been published. All the depth charts have been completed. (Actually, we added career banjo-hitting 1B Chris Parmelee yesterday, changing the dynamics in Scranton!) So what is there to say, except Mel Thunderthigh has reported in the best condition of his career, or Ernie McBombthrower has developed a knee-buckling new change-up, and young Snappy McBarfalot has found religion, and he's now dedicating each at bat to God. It's Happy Talk Time.

Ivan Nova plans a big year in 2016? Guess what? He planned a big 2015! Let's set the Wayback for last February and visit the Yankees archive.

2/25/2015 | Ryan hopes for larger role in Yankees' infield 

Brendan Ryan knows what the back of his baseball card has looked like for the last few seasons, but the Yankees infielder believes that he can be counted on for more than just a good glove.

2/24/2015 | Bailey hoping to make Yankees' investment pay off 

The Yankees have preached patience with Andrew Bailey, hoping that the former All-Star closer will be able to take advantage of their facilities and pay big dividends down the line. That time may be quickly approaching.

2/24/2015 | Capuano ready to earn one of Yanks' 5 spots 

Chris Capuano is being looked at as a strong contender to pitch in the back end of manager Joe Girardi's rotation, and the veteran left-hander said he is not concerned about the possibility of being the odd man out later in the year.

2/24/2015 | Nova able to pace himself at Yankees' camp 

Ivan Nova refuses to look too far ahead, resisting the urge thus far to peek at the schedule and circle some summer dates. As he continues to rehab from Tommy John surgery, the Yankees' right-hander has been absorbing his plans one week at a time.

2/23/2015 | Beltran eager to get back to form in pinstripes 

Injuries kept Carlos Beltran from producing the type of numbers that he expected in his first Yankees season, and as he takes his first swings of Spring Training, the veteran slugger believes that he is coming back with something to prove.

2/21/2015 | Sabathia excited to get back on the field 

As CC Sabathia prepared to step on an outdoor mound for the first time this year on Saturday morning, the big left-hander could not hold back a toothy grin. He understands the questions of doubters -- especially having been limited to just eight starts last season -- and is looking forward to the challenge ahead.

2/23/2015 | Yankees made 'significant offer' to Moncada 

The Yankees made a $25 million pitch for Yoan Moncada on Sunday, but it was not enough to reach an agreement with the switch-hitting Cuban infielder.

YOAN MONCADA... SLOOOOOOOOOOWLY, I TURN! STEP BY STEP...

Shock Photo Proves: It Doesn't Matter Who Wins Elections and It Doesn't Matter Who Wins Ballgames

L to R: Yankee fan Giuliani, Yankee fan Trump, Red Sox fan Bloomberg, professed Yankee convert Clinton, Yankee monument Torre, Diamondback investor Crystal.

John Sterling Fact of the Day

John was teased as a boy for his deep voice. [Source]

Wallace Matthews Tells The Real Story

I hate giving ESPN any credit for anything, especially over the New York Times, but the New England-happy cable/web behemoth actually has an article that gets the Yankees' bullpen situation right. (If you must, here.)

Aside from mentioning all of the reasons we probably won't get to the seventh with a lead all that often -- including the fact that every bullpen arm available in earlier innings is, at best, highly questionable (*cough..sucks*) -- the article also brings up a very good point that makes you wonder why the hell signing Chapman makes any sense whatsoever, when what we really needed were some reliable middle-inning guys (somewhat like the guys we traded away):

"...it will be difficult for even Betances, Miller and Chapman to improve on the Yankees' late-inning relief from 2015, when the team’s record was 66-3 in games they led after six innings, 73-2 in games they led after seven and 81-0 in games they led after eight."

Exactly. The late innings were not a problem. We had that covered already.


So naturally, we solved a problem that didn't exist and made the bullpen problem that did exist worse.


Ladies and gentlemen, your 2016 New York Yankees.

Don Mattingly wants to come home to NYC so badly that he'd cut off his 'stache to spite his face

You can sum up the difference between baseball and football by their player namesakes. Johnny Football - aka Johnny Manzel - is a woman-hitting, psycho druggie - and a bad QB, to boot. Donnie Baseball - alias our beloved Number 23 - is a thoughtful, gracious over-achieving Samaritan, who will someday will be a great manager. (Think the trajectory of one Joseph Torre.)

Yesterday, Don Mattingly again signaled his fate: To return to NYC and lead the blind Yankee franchise to a series of world serieses. This latest omen came in an announcement that Mattingly - not the Marlins' butcher shop ownership - will ban on facial hair on his players, a rule that adds nothing to a team and, frankly, has potential to create conflict.

Seriously, what good does a ban do? If a man (or woman) wants to look like Jesus, or even ZZ Top, what's the point in stopping him (or her.) This isn't 11th grade. This isn't the Army. This isn't even Guam. It's just another pointless rule for the sake of invoking pointless rules. I'd rather they ban bellbottom jeans or those rhinestone strap thingys that keep your glasses in place. Over the years, yes, the ban sort of - (I apologize for this) - grew on me. That's because it became the lone difference between the Yankees and the rest of baseball.

By the way, it used to be the Yankees were vastly different from every other team. They spent the most on players. They always contended. Their owner never poor-mouthed. They played in the greatest venue in sports, and they loved their fans. They always ruled New York, and in a strange way, banning beards seemed to be a way of connecting with working men (and women.)

Now, the only thing that separates them is that they take fans for granted and would prefer that the poorer ones stay away.

And now, they aren't even the only beard-banning team.

Still... I digress. By now, we all should see what's happening. Mattingly is a salmon swimming upstream to die... a swallow flying home on a mission. When he gets to NYC, it's going to be like the Key Master inserting his thing into Zule's whatever - you know, in Ghostbusters - causing the Yankees to rise from their owner-induced crypt slumber and rule the baseball world. I'm thinking it's two years away. I wish we could fast-forward to it, though I'm too old for fast-forwards.

Still, you can see it. Slowly but surely, Donnie Baseball is weaving his way home. Beardless. (By the way, we are in 2016 not going to be a Yankee blog; we are going to be a John Sterling blog.)

In 2016, which Chase Headley will show up?

In 2012, at age 28, Chase Headley was headed to Cooperstown. That year, he hit 31 home runs, batted .286, won the Gold Glove and finished fifth in the NL MVP balloting. He even stole 17 bases.

Well... that was 2012.

Two years ago, we got him for Yangervis Solarte and a hard thrower named Rafael De Paula. Last year, Solarte hit more HRs than Headley (14 to 11) and had a higher average (.270 to .259.) And if the issue was glovework, Headley developed a love for sailing - that is, his throws to first base sailed into right field. He wasn't very good.

Naturally, the Yankees signed Headley for four years, and frankly, I'm not sure if we wouldn't have been better off keeping Yangervis. (De Paula, now 25, does not look so promising.)

Nobody expects Headley to be 28 again. And he seems like a good teammate. I remember him getting beaned by Tampa - that asshole Madden tried to sluff it off - but Headley didn't let him affect him. Good guy. But we have him for three more years, three - when he'll be 34.

In the modern era, for reasons I cannot explain, the Yankees have never been able to raise quality third-basemen. The only one we developed was Mike Lowell, whom we traded for a handful of magic beans. We don't have anybody at Scranton, and I'm not even sure we'll play a rising prospect at Trenton. We may be stuck with Headley for three more years - at $13 million per. Yep, while we decry bad deals, we go out and make new ones.

Well, here's one thought: This is a crossroads year for Mr. Chase. He either turns things around - maybe hits 20 HR and bats .270, is that asking too much? - or else he goes into the category of another blown idea.

Because unless he improves, it will have been four straight years that Headley has slumped... and it's no slump any more.