In spirited balloting, Rod Carew voted IT IS HIGH all-time Yankee Opponent at 2B

Hall of Famer Rod Carew has been elected IIHIIFIIc All-Time Opposition Second-baseman. Like all recipients - (thus far, Eddie Murray at first-base) - Carew receives the "Sterling Silver Steak Knife" for torturing IT IS HIGH readers throughout their lives. He won despite a spirited, well-rounded vote, which included five Hall of Famers, two HOF candidates, and a great cheater.

The results (from 326 votes):

Rod Carew (61 votes): 19%
Dustin Pedroia (55): 17%
Frank White (42): 13%
Robbie Alomar (39): 12%
Bill Mazeroski (39): 12%
Joe Morgan (27): 8%
Lou Whitaker (24): 7%
Carlos Baerga (22): 7%
Jose Altuve (17): 5%

In 184 games against the Yankees, Carew hit .331 with 11 HRs and 70 RBIs. (In Yankee Stadium, he hit .336.) I think the fans recognized Carew as one of the greatest hitters in history, and they are rewarding him for it.  

Of course, he should have been a Yankee. Carew was born on a moving train in Panama, in a coach car required for black people. In 1962, to escape her abusive, alcoholic husband, his mom took the family to New York City. Carew couldn't play baseball at George Washington High School, because he had to work nights as a stock clerk. While playing for a sandlot team called the Cavaliers, he was discovered by a Twins scout, a transit system cop. He tried out at Yankee Stadium, then signed with Minnesota for $5,000 and $400 a month.

After his rookie league season, he served a year with the Marines to fulfill his obligations. (Though not yet a U.S. citizen, he was listed as a permanent U.S. resident.) He debuted in 1967 against Dave McNally of Baltimore and singled in his first at-bat. 

He is now 74. His number has been retired by both the Twins and Angels. 

There might be second-basemen with better career stats against the Yankees. But I doubt there was ever a better one to take the field against us.

Virtual Baseball: Yanks Outslug Detroit; No One Killed. Sanchez to DL.

The Virtual New York Yankees bounced back from a literal mauling last night, to outlast the Detroit Tigers at EComCon Park, 9-7.

Due to their injury-riddled starting staff, the Yanks threw yet another of their "Kiddie Korps" last night, Johnny Loaisiga, a.k.a, "Johnny Lasagna."  Lasagna looked more like meat loaf, however, as the Bengals batted him about mercilessly, running up an early 5-1 lead.

Strong hitting by the Yankees brought the club back as it has so often this season, with Miguel Andujar clubbing two home runs and a double, Clint Frazier adding another round-tripper, and Gio Urshela slicing a game-tying triple.  It was no hit at all, however, but a simple walk by Mike Ford—his fourth free pass of the evening—that forced in what proved to be the winning run.

The baseball world was still abuzz with word of the wild, human-feline brawl that had gone on the night before, in which controversial Medal of Freedom winner Joe Exotic was eaten alive by Medal of Freedom winner Leatrice the Lyger.  Historians agreed that this marked the first time in U.S. history that one Medal of Freedom recipient had devoured another.

No word on where the medal in question is now lodged.

Many fans left early, repelled by the stench of human blood that hung over the entire ballpark today.  But Yankees second baseman D.J. LeMahieu was unfazed, saying how much it reminded him of the photo safaris he has taken into the Bengali wilderness.

Detroit management thanked LeMahieu for his invaluable work in showing the Tigers grounds crew how to make the non-lethal fabric traps that eventually recaptured all of the beasts.

"It was no big deal," LeMahieu said afterwards with typical modesty.  "I mean, by then they were pretty groggy, having stuffed themselves on Tiger dogs and, well, other stuff..."

Perhaps the best summary of the night was provided by recuperating Yankees broadcaster John Sterling in a surprise call to the broadcast booth and his old partner, Suzyn Waldman.

"There's no predicting 400-pound predators interbred in a private zoo, Suzyn," said Sterling.

Meanwhile, with Gary Sanchez gone to the DL until surgeons can grow enough tissue to replace the divot in his leg, GM Brian Cashman called up Chris Iannetta, one of the 57 tottering back-up catchers Cashman signed last February.

"He's almost been good at times," Manager Ma Boone said in welcoming the new addition.

Pick the Image You Think Best Captures the Red Sox' Punishment

To help pass the time while we're all quarantined, let's play a fun new IIHIIFIIc game!

Pick the image(s) you think best capture the "punishment" handed down by the MLB today to the Boston Red Sox.

Did they get a...

....or one of these kinds of punishment?

Did they get 50 lashes with one of these?

or is it none of the above and they just went....

Maybe, in the words of El Duque, they just....

Be sure to tune tomorrow for an extra special IIHIIFIIc Brain Puzzler:

Is it an actual punishment to suspend a cheating manager
who's currently employed by no team
for an entire season that wasn't going to be played anyway?

Plague Theater: Willie, Nolan and Steve sing for Gillette

 With a twist of Yogi.

Whoosh. That's the sound of the Redsocks skating

MLB hands down a nothing-burger punishment for Boston's cheating.

BOOM! BAM! POW. Trending on Twitter... 

Facing shame offensive, Yankees do the right thing with employees

According to the Internet, the all-merciful benefactor, Hal Steinbrenner, has decided to pay Yankee employees and serfs through the month of May. The most-generous decision came yesterday, after the billionaire owner drew some tracer fire by delaying a move most franchises had already made. Tardy or not, let's give Hal a round of applause for doing the right thing. Okay, that's enough.

Obviously, one month won't be enough. If baseball is to be played in 2020, it certainly won't launch before Memorial Day, and gate revenues - with or without "Count Orlok" Giuliani and "Hydroxycholoquine" Hannity - will vanish like Dr. Tony Fauci. The owner of America's richest professional sports team will either support his people or throw them overboard. Right now, he's doing the Lord's work. Forhe'sajollygoodfellow, whichnobodycandeny.

Meanwhile, the toothless leadership of Minor League Baseball apparently has caved in to plans to shrink the number of farm clubs across America. In November, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred unveiled a scheme to eliminate 42 franchises - a scathingly cruel betrayal of small cities that bankrolled stadiums in the face of extortion by the wealthiest of the wealthy. Taxpayers ponied up to support franchises that, in general, didn't give a whit about the towns they were representing. Now, they'll be cut loose.

Nobody knows which cities will be disappeared, but upstate New York - heart of the Rust Belt - probably sits in the crosshairs. There are rumblings that the Binghamton Rumbleponies - a Double A franchise in a small city with a giant heart - could go. Baseball in Binghamton goes back to Joe Pepitone, Whitey Ford and Thurman Munson. Gone? Say it aint so.

These are dark days, my friends. 

Virtual Baseball: Yanks, Sanchez Mauled by Tigers, Suzyn Breaks Down.

It was a troubled virtual night for Yankees baseball in the Motor City, as the team not only dropped a 7-3 decision to the South Asian Quadrupeds, but also saw their starting catcher involved in a terrible brawl with the actual beasts themselves, while their sole remaining radio broadcaster broke down in tears.

It started out as a festive evening at EComCon Park, as the Tigers honored new Presidential Medal of Freedom winner Johnny Exotic from the hit cable TV series, Tiger King, accompanied by Donald Trump, Jr.  Mr. Exotic and Mr. Trump were escorted to the ballpark by a retinue of wildlife from Mr. Exotic's private zoo, including several tigers and a crossbred lion-tiger, or "lyger," named Leatrice.

All would figure heavily in the startling incidents to come.

The game began well for the Yankees, who got off to a 2-1 lead in the third inning behind Jordan Montgomery, when Luke Voit and Gary Sanchez hit consecutive home runs.

Suzyn Waldman tried to honor the occasion with partner John Sterling's trademark call on such occasions, but was only able to whimper, "Back-to-back.  Belly-to-belly...and heart-to-heart!  I miss you, John!"

Ms. Waldman then made the startling accusation that, "It's not just bad crab meat!  John's worse off than they're letting on, I just know it!  And I can't keep doing both jobs like this!"

Waldman wept intermittently through the rest of the game, but as the Yanks have made numerous "austerity moves" in the broadcast booth this year, there was no one to relieve her.  Paul O'Neill was the only YES broadcaster who made the trip with the team, and he had already broken his mic and stormed out of the TV booth in a fit of rage over mispronouncing "lyger."

Things were even more volatile down on the field, where Sanchez, after swatting his third home run in two days at EComCon once against spat at the Tigers' dugout afterwards.  Several of the Bengals then charged out of the dugout at him, resulting in a huge brawl near home plate.

Things got truly out of hand, however, when an excited Joe Exotic urged his charges to join the fray.  As the players screamed and the tigers swarmed, one 400-pound beast turned instead toward Donald Trump, Jr.'s box, causing the Secret Service agents surrounding the presidential zygote to unholster their weapons.

On seeing this, an enraged Joe Exotic drew down and seemed about to set off a gunfight.  Leatrice, noticing the agents in danger, swiftly made a daring leap and brought down her master.  As Joe wept and shrieked for mercy, Leatrice dragged him into the Tigers' clubhouse, where judging by the sounds emanating therefrom, he was probably eaten alive, although no club employee was willing to check.

Later, the White House announced that Leatrice the Lyger would receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom for her swift and courageous action—assuming, at least, that she had not already ingested Mr. Exotic's medal, in which case no new decoration would be required.

After the brawl, Donald Trump, Jr. left the park, along with almost all the fans.  The grounds crew was put in charge of rounding up the stray lions and tigers, but seemed noticeably less than committed to performing this duty.

Instead, the great beasts could be seen padding about the warning track and occasionally attacking a hot dog vendor for the rest of the night, while their ungodly roars echoed through the chilly but pleasant Michigan night.

Sanchez was seen limping away from the brawl with a tiger-sized divot clearly removed from one leg.  Asked about his condition afterwards, manager Ma Boone replied, "Well, he's day-to-day."

Detroit proceeded to tattoo Montgomery, who did pitch his first-ever complete game in the major leagues, when no Yankees reliever would take the mound.

Questioned about his performance, Montgomery snapped, "What the hell do you want from me?  I didn't have my starting catcher!"

Most of the team hurried to leave the clubhouse without changing or showering, unnerved by noises from the home team locker room that they swore sounded like bones snapping.  D.J. LeMahieu, however, following a three-hit night, stayed on to instruct the grounds crew in making East African Big Cat traps from strips of tarpaulin and pitchers' jackets.



 







 

Plague Theater: "Can we call you Catfish Chapstick?"

What hath God wrought?

“From here to that couch — I never saw it after that,” he said, pointing to a sofa in the Yankees clubhouse. “All I felt was impact, and then falling on the ground. The whole side of my face was gone — I felt sharp pieces in my mouth. I was trying to be soft with them because I didn’t want to choke, but the pain was excruciating.”

Why we should cut Giancarlo Stanton some slack.

Will Hal Steinbrenner really clip his hired help during the shutdown?

Well, now I've heard everything... According to the internet, 18 of the 30 MLB owners plan to pay their staffs in full during this ridiculous, overly-hyped, fake news, virus shutdown. For what? So their employees can stay at home, drink sanitizers and watch Netflix while lounging in their milk baths? Once these obese freeloaders acquire the taste of money-for-nothing, they'll never again be worth one lick of doorknob spittle. As for this rinky-dink flu - from what I hear, more people die each year in their swimming pools (thank you, Dr. Phil) - but you don't hear us torching the Constitution over that, do you? How does anyone expect an honest MLB owner to feed his family? Down in Florida, some do-gooder wannabe named Jeter even says he'll forego his $5 million salary, and put the money toward needy people. Who elected him Pope? Once these basket cases get money for free, they'll never want to work again for the minimum wage, which some people want to be more than $5 per hour! Jesus fukinay Christ, when I started, two bucks an hour was damn good pay!

Fortunately, one hero owner is holding the line against giveaways: "Hand Me Down Hal" Steinbrenner! If his Yankee staffers don't pick cotton, let them eat cake. Let's see if watching Tiger King pays the mortgage. In an act of courage, Hal thus far has refused to pay the tab for laid off scouts, managers, cabana boys and whatever - and in this "flatten the curve" world, let's be thankful that somebody still appreciates frugality. It's bad enough that they've closed the bars just because some NPR bed-wetter caught the sniffles and called a news conference to demand a free ventilator. So we bought everyone on the East Coast their own ventilator, yet they're still whining? Now, they want cotton swabs? Tomorrow, it'll be vibrating beds. Good grief, people, rise up! Money doesn't grow on trees. Look at Greece! Do we want to be Greece? If we start paying everybody for not working, we'll turn into Greece. Three times a day, Souvlaki! You'll be tending to sheep. Greece! 

And now, to top everything off, we're supposed to sit back and watch Chinese baseball? Wait a minute. Chinese flu... Chinese baseball? CONNECT THE DOTS, PEOPLE! DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT? The Rakuten Monkeys are trying to steal our Yankee thunder, even our Red Thunder. We've got to turn this around, and thank God there are still owners out there who, in a pinch, refuse to pay their staff. Surely, it will mean lower ticket prices for all of us, when the boys of summer return - any day now. 

Virtual Baseball: Historic Win for Yanks, Holder. Suzyn Warbles Wanly.

The Virtual Yankees played a game for the ages tonight in Detroit's EConcom Stadium, hanging on for a 12-inning, 7-6 win over the Tigers.

Rallying from an early, 5-0 deficit, the Yanks moved into the lead thanks to two long home runs by Gary Sanchez, who signaled his overall disdain for all things Bengal by openly spitting at the Detroit dugout as he came around to touch home plate on his second dinger.

But the night belonged with Kyle Holder.  With the Yanks leading in the bottom of the 12th, closer "Night Sweats" Chapman entered the game and was as wild as a Tasmanian devil, walking the first two batters he saw, before facing dangerous Detroit DH, Miguel "One Big Tub-a-Juice" Cabrera.  

Chapman promptly hung a curve, which Cabrera lashed on a line up the middle, nearly decapitating the clammy hurler.  

But Kyle Holder, perfectly positioned, was able to snag Cabrera's smash just before it hit the ground. Holder then rolled over second base, retiring lead runner Dawel Lugo, popped to his feet, and ran down and tagged out Tigger backstop Grayson Greiner, who is slower than continental drift.

By so doing, Holder had not only completed the Yankees' first-ever, unassisted triple play, but also the first unassisted triple play in baseball history to end an extra-inning game.  It was the capper on what was an all-around excellent night for Kyle, who also had four singles and drove in three runs.

"Boy!" exulted manager Ma Boone.  "Why, the way he's going, he might have as high a ceiling as Estevan Florial some day!  And please excuse my language."

Detroit had mauled starter Luis "It's Nessa" Cessa, but the Yanks bounced right back behind their usual legion of relievers, to improve their record to 15-7.  The win left them still three games behind the smokin' Tampa Bay Rays.

Suzyn Waldman, alone in the Krazy-Kars-for-Kids radio broadcast booth, tried to warble the Yankees' win, but broke down in a fit of cigarette-induced coughing.  

Reached for comment where he was convalescing at Columbia-Presyterian Hospital, "former home of the New York Highlanders," Suzyn's erstwhile partner, John Sterling called it "the old college try," and marveled at the game's ending.

"I think it's safe to say:  there's no predicting baseball," The Master told reporters.

Meanwhile, the Yankees' new road spokesman, attorney Nathan Thurm, denied reports that Gerrit Cole was still not receiving proper medical attention, saying that he had gone for a CAT-scan just that morning.

Asked if that didn't really mean that he was taken to Bleecker Street to have Madame Cleo's psychic cat walk over him, Thurm replied testily, "I knew it was her cat.  I didn't say what kind of cat it was, you said it was that cat.  You're the one making all this fuss about cats and dogs."

Meanwhile, ranch hands and farm workers near the section of New Mexico where Giancarlo Stanton was last seen, reported the eerie howlings and rustlings of a strange, demonic creature, sometimes riding astride horse, in the still of the night.  The sounds made by this spectral vision spooked their cattle into stampeding and set dogs to yowling, but it vanished when they tried to approach it.

A Team for Today

MLB All-Cannabis Team

1B  Boo Powell
2B  Buzzy Wares
SS  Roxey Roach
3B  Xander (Don't) Bogaerts

LF  Ducky Hemp
CF  Chilli Davis
RF  Buzz Boyle

C  Taylor Teagarden

PH  Bert Weeden

RHP  Lil Stoner, Tobi Stoner, Herb Hash
LHP  Jung Bong, Josh Smoker

MGR  Dusty Baked

The Unnamed Temporary Sports Blog is back

That's right: The Unnamed Temporary Sports Blog, which you might recognize from a once-great website. (Hint: Deadspin.) 

Consider...

The Jameis Winston work-out video.

5 Classic Games that Remind Us of Why We Miss Sports

or my pers fave:

My God Grant Us an NFL Draft Full of Technical Disasters

Almost a feeling of normalcy.

Plague Theater: Pauly v. Gardy

I think Gardy takes it.

Is a 2020 season still possible? Here's a timeline...

It will soon be now-or-never time on baseball in 2020. I mean a made-for-TV, empty stadium, MLB mini-season with a pennant race and playoffs - rather than a "tournament" structure, with the entire year boiled down to a ridiculous handful of games.

Obviously, I have no crystal ball. And if the virus brings a hellish second wave, the lords of the game might choose to - mixing sports here - punt. 

But as a traumatized nation contemplates reopening - its populace more than ever divided and angry - it's time to ponder potential deadlines. Here's a timeline, and I invite you all to show where I'm mistaken, because everything is changing - mixing sports here - on the fly.

Normally, it takes eight weeks for MLB grapefruit teams to launch a season. Because of the rush, teams would probably try to push it to a month. That would probably mean an expanded roster, with starting pitchers lasting three innings. It would also mean a lot more elbow and shoulder injuries. I'd hate to be the young flamethrower who tears something in such a lost season. But there will be many.

It's hard to imagine teams opening camps before mid-May, or even June 1. Both Florida and Arizona have yet to hit their viral peaks, and if the refrigerated body trucks are lined up outside hospitals, it will lessen a public clamor to add hundreds of baseball players to the quarantine. Still, let's say a consortium of owners and players push to reopen camps around Memorial Day.  

That could set opening day for around July 1. Obviously, Trump would push for July 4th, with the games garnishing his address to the world from Mar-a-Lago, or the nation's bunker inside the Rocky Mountains. He will herald a Fox Network TV league played in cavernous stadiums before tiny crowds of selected Trump supporters and Republican donors, with piped-in cheering. If teams play through September, that's about 81 games - half a regular season, with the playoffs starting in October, as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

This assumes the vast logistical problems of protecting players, ancillary staffs and families can be overcome. Frankly, I doubt that can happen without an emerging drug remedy. But Trump will be pushing everybody's buttons, and the MLB owners - his billionaire brethren - will seek to oblige. 

Somewhere, somebody has a spreadsheet that shows whether the owners will make or lose money by playing a short season - compared to tossing 2020 under the bus and letting the insurance industry foot the bill. I don't have those calculations. But I assure you, somebody does. I wonder if the huge slush fund that Congress recently passed can carve out money for the owners and players - hardship cases, all. 

As a Yankee fan, I certainly hope some semblance of a season can be achieved. But even if the 2020 Yankees win a ring, it will come with an asterisk and without a parade down the Canyon of Heroes. Nothing that happens this year can ever be the same.

Since December, I have set my heart to the moment when Gerrit Cole walked to the mound at Yankee Stadium, before 55,000 people, to fulfill his lifelong dream. Until that happens, baseball won't have returned. I don't see that happening in 2020. Maybe something is better than nothing. I just donno anymore.

Virtual Baseball: Thairo a Lightning Bolt of Hope in Yanks' Darkening Skies.

In Virtual Baseball today, the New York Yankees got a much needed jolt of joy, when Thairo Estrada pinch-hit a three-run homer that thwacked off the left field foul pole, and gave the Yanks a stunning, 3-2 victory over the Cincinnati Reds at the Stadium.

Rookie Kyle Holder got the start at shortstop today and played well, making several dazzling plays in the field and laying down two successful sacrifice bunts.  In the bottom of the ninth, though, after Gio Urshela and Brett Gardner singled with two outs, Manager Ma Boone sent up Estrada to pinch-hit for Holder.

"I just had a hunch—uh, I mean, that's what the sabremetrics were telling us, all the way!"  Boone said afterwards.  "No way I would EVER depart from those."

Estrada missed the first two pitches for strikes, barely fouled off two more, and then took a ball, before getting the barrel of his bat on a fastball from Reds closer Raisel Iglesias.  He hit a high pop fly that certainly had the distance, but looked as though it might curve foul.  Instead, it thwapped off the foul pole, sending the Bronx crowd into deliriums.

"Well, of course they both did great, and I think they both have terrific futures ahead of them," Boone said about his two new shortstops after the game.  He then hooked a thumb toward Estevan Florial where he sat at his locker, although Florial had not played for the second game in a row:  "I mean, it's not like they have a ceiling as high as that guy, or anything.  But it was good to see."

Mike King pitched six strong innings in what was another encouraging start for the Yankees, although he was on the wrong end of a 2-0 score when he left the game.  Adam "Mr. Zero" Ottavino got the win for New York.

It was the welcome end to a grim day for the Bombers.

First, reports circulated that longtime radio god John Sterling was still in the hospital, and that his condition was serious.  The new Yankees' spokesman, Tommy Finagling, denied that was the case.

"Nah, there's nothing wrong with the man!" insisted Finagling.  "Why, he just had some indigestion, very natural indigestion, too!  From eating Yankee fran—uh, from eating some bad shellfish!  Yeah, that's the ticket!  Some bad crabmeat.  You know how those eccentric artistic types are!"

Finagling also denied that the Yankees were pursuing what could only be called an unorthodox regimen of treatment for Gerrit Cole's ailing right arm.

Asked about rumors that Cole had been spotted in the Village last night, Finagling told the press:

"What?  What village?  No, never—oh, you mean that one!  Sure, sure he was in the Village.  At the hospital, you know, getting the old soup bone looked after!  Yes, at St. Vincent's Hospital, that's the ticket!"

Told that St. Vincent's was made into condos years ago, Finagling finally admitted that Cole had in fact been taken for a "preliminary assessment" at Madam Cleo's Psychic Emporium, on Bleecker Street.

"Sure, sure, what's wrong with that?  Why, it's perfectly fine homeopathic medicine!"

"No it's not."

"It's crystals!  She ran crystals over his arm—that sometimes works all by itself!"

"No, it doesn't."

"Don't be so ethnocentric!  Why, this is medicine made by the music of the spheres—"

After several more hours of dodging and feinting, Mr. Finagling admitted that Cole would go for a real MRI today.

Plague Theater: Frank, Billy, Marv... what else could you want?

Cheer up, Billy...

Plague Theater: Willie Randolph sells cameras

It's a snap to use.

Reggie thinks the coronavirus is God's way of shaking the tree

Reggie Jackson has sent a text message to the people of Earth, urging us to slow down and contemplate God's wisdom - and perhaps His wrath. It pops out of a recent YES Network interview, where Reggie was compelled to read his missive aloud. Texted Mr. October of the virus: 

“Hopefully this slows us down a little bit and relationships with family and friends and God are our priority while we’re here on Earth. Let us heed of this notice so that he doesn’t have to shake the trees a little bit harder the next time he wants us to realize that we might be a little bit off track."

So, if I'm getting this right, God is - (looks around) - shaking the tree? What does that mean? Is God pruning the overripe fruits of humanity? Is that what we see in the daily death toll? Humanity went off track, and thus He is systematically culling the herd? That seems a bit - well - harsh, am I right?

I don't want to pick over some old guy's words for the sake of an argument. And I think Reggie's heart is in the right place, as he continues: 

“I just kind of want to say, are we grateful for our jobs? Are we grateful for our friends and family? Do we spend enough time with our kids? Do we thank our wife for a great day? These are the things that I think about. These are the things I want to see us take notice. Are we running past the people who need help while everyone’s got a job? Look how many people now are struggling already with just 30 days of no work, three weeks of no work. Let’s be conscious of others, be conscious of who are as a nation, as a group, and certainly as a Yankee fans are certainly part of that. That’s what my concern is, the people where our home is in the Bronx.”

Reggie is right to express such sentiments, and I only wish him the best. To the day I die, I'll cherish the memory of that monstrous drive landing in the centerfield bleachers, while Charlie Hough hangs his head and contemplates eternity. That night, the juju gods were kind to him. Or maybe he was simply a great hitter. 

These days, it's nice to see him pondering the plight of regular people. 
But probably no player in baseball history had a larger ego than Reggie Jackson. He inhabited a world that revolved around him. Maybe it still does. I'm not attacking him... just sayin'. Reggie is now 73 - a tribal elder, with the right to his opinions. He's also a high-risk candidate to fall from a shaken tree. My biggest hope is that he stays safe, practices social distancing, and lives to be 103. 

But I do not believe God is now confiscating souls because we weren't praising Him enough. A little buzzer goes off when I hear people describing God's will. I believe our fate is in our hands, not His.

Hang in there, old friend. See you at Old-Timers Day. And wash your hands.

Virtual Baseball: Yanks Scare Reds, 14-3. More Scares for Torres—and The Master.

Today in Virtual Baseball, the New York Yankees mercilessly pounded the Cincinnati Reds, 14-3, with the help of six solo home runs.  But the Bronx Bombers suffered scares of their own to some of their nearest and dearest personnel, on and off the field.

First, shortstop Gleyber Torres, who has once again excelled this season at hitting home runs against the Baltimore Orioles, had to come out of the game after suffering what was later described by the team as a radial pull of the mephistophelian occlusion.

The Yanks expect Torres to only be out for a game or two.  But just two innings after he was forced to leave, replacement Tyler Wade suffered a hairline fracture of his right forearm when he was hit by a pitch.

In the clubhouse afterwards, Wade paused who trying to unlace his spikes, sobbing aloud, "Why me? Why me?"  Superb Thairo Estrada finished the game at shortstop, a.k.a., the Bermuda Triangle, but the Yanks announced after the game that they would be calling up Kyle Holder, who is currently hitting .213 at Scranton-Wilkes Barre, but who has impressed onlookers with his glove work.

The injuries overshadowed another impressive hitting performance by the Yanks, who hit eight different Cincinnati pitchers with abandon.  Gio Urshela, Mike Ford, Gary Sanchez, and Brett Gardner, each homered, while Mike "Walkie" Tauchman hit two dingers.  "El Matador," Miguel Andujar, added four doubles for the Pinstripers, while J.A. Happ breezed to another victory.

But this very display of Yankees power led to further consternation late in the game, when Sanchez and Urshela hit consecutive home runs.

Longtime Yankees radio announcer and beloved personality John Sterling was so excited by the blasts that, after giving forth with his trademark, "Back to back!  Belly to belly!" he suddenly collapsed and fell over in his chair.

Sterling was revived shortly after a W.B. Mason ad and insisted that he was all right.  He was escorted to a local hospital anyway, for overnight observation.

Meanwhile, the state of New Mexico called off its search for missing slugger Giancarlo Stanton.  Lieutenant Governor Gerry Beckley told reporters, "We just don't have the money in our budget for this sort of tomfoolery."