John, Martin top list of All-Time Yankees With Two First Names

1. Tommy John
2. Billy Martin
3. Mel Allen
4. Gene Michael
5. Joe Gordon
6. Roberto Kelly
7. Jack Clark
8. Chad Curtis
9. Jeff Nelson
10. Felix Jose

(Also Receiving Votes: Dale Murray, Bob Melvin, Mike Morgan, Scott Bradley, Brett Jodie, Matt Luke, Jerry Kenney)

Cuomo Wants to Know What Yankees Received Bonuses Last Year

Albany _ New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo has filed papers with the U.S. Court of Public Opinion demanding the names of Yankee players in 2008 who received bonuses, despite the team's miserable performance.

The move follows public condemnation of American Insurance Group's bonus structure for executives, even though the insurance carrier last year finished 7th in the six-team AL East.

A Few Things At Risk For 2009 Season

I finally got finished with a visit to Bernie Madoff's new gated community, where we shared frozen charleston chews ( one chocolate and one vanilla ) and some warm root beer.

One aspect of Bernie that got lost during the recent " hub-ub" about his $60Billion plus swindle is the fact that he is an ardent baseball fan.

Accordingly, I was dispatched by IIH,IIF,IIc to see if there might be any "damage control" issues for us, given his prominence as a newsmaker.

I can announce today that Yankee fans are safe.

Bernie is a Boston Red Sox felon through and through. " For life," was the exact phrase Bernie used with me.

His love for this stinky breed of losers derives from the original "feeder hedge fund " he first set up in that evil town, to squirrel away money for his dear wife and pleasant, engaging sons.

Anyway, I'm back in South Mexico, relaxing from the stress of Tampa and New York City's Metropolitan Correctional Facility, and I have a few predictions for this year's baseball season.

Items which I consider "At Risk:"

1. The Yankees will be " At Risk" as soon as A-Rod returns.

I would have given Alex's hip " the big knife," rather than the arthroscopic procedure, thus providing the Yankees an entire season to enjoy.

But hey, who is going to buy those suites with Cody at third? Those fans who can afford them ( you know, those guys who are on their blackberries the entire game ) would rather see Madonna sitting in a box seat for three innings than a winning Yankee team anyway.

2. Edwar Ramirez's change-up.

He still only has only the one effective pitch, and everyone has seen it. He can't place his FB anywhere in the strike zone that the fat of a bat will miss.

3. Sub-Sahara Africa .

I recently read that Pope B XVI, with his lifetime of experience as a sex consultant, has ruled condoms illegal and " non pious" for these nations, harder hit by AIDs and HIV than anywhere else in the world.

We all know that the Papacy reviles any attempts at population control, hence their universal condemnation of condom use ( is that also true with alter boys?).

But by denying condoms to populations overwhelmed with AIDS and HIV, isn't HE exercising a different form of population control?

Not very Christian of you, is it Ben?

4. Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq.

Does anyone in the US Military or US government read history? Anyone? Anyone?

5. Ted William's head.

The cost of keeping a head frozen has gone up exponentially. And worse, the building of helium refrigeration has come to a standstill, due to the failure of AIG to have capital behind the credit default swaps purchased by the major industrial helium vendors.

Credit is frozen and heads are unfreezing.

6. Luckily, it is time for pickled eggs, tequila, cerveza and dancing. Ian Kennedy is here for the weekend.

Let's Go Yankees.

In art house photo shoot, Arod recreates iconic opening sequence to "The Patty Duke Show"

Meet Alex whose been most everywhere, from Zanzibar to Bartley Square...

WHILE AROD'S ONLY SEEN THE SIGHTS A GIRL CAN SEE FROM BROOKLYN HEIGHTS, WHAT A CRAZY PAIR.

Just shoot me. Get it over with. This is in the new Details Magazine.

I'm starting to think that Arod and Madonna are a perfect couple. It's was no media-hyped, publicity thing. This was done in hell. This was karma. They should mate and have a beautiful cocker spaniel.

Sigh. This is getting harder and harder to deal with.

Arod gets a lot of unfair grief. The union and the authorities screwed him. I still can't believe the other 103 players who tested positive have not been identified. I thought it would happen by now. Their anonymity almost demands that we stick with Arod. Seriously. What a raw deal.

That said... how badly does Cody Ransom have to play before we actually look forward to this guy's return?

Scott Proctor/Oscar Gamble team top list of All-Time Yankee Brand Names

1. Proctor & Gamble
2. Johnson & Johnson (Nick & Randy)
3. Brad Gulden
4. Whitey Ford
5. Richard Dotson
6. Mark Hutton
7. Donzell McDonald
8. Shelly Duncan
9. Mel Hall
10. Rupert Jones Pork Sausage

Brett "The Jet" Gardner

You named him. You own him.

Last time we looked, this country was still a democracy. That means the public's wishes must be obeyed, and anybody who says "Gardy" needs to a little Yankee Taliban treatment in the town's center chopping block.

No more "Gardy." Got it?

NO. MORE. GARDY.

Alphonso's Luxury Box Photographed

Our operatives at sliding into home managed to outwit homeland security and transmit pictures of the new stadium, photographs that could easily help terrorists, such as wailin' suzyn, wreak havoc. They have allowed us to reprint a few in particular, to showcase the power of Alphonso's money, which is as green as the water in his swimming pool.

This is the first public airing of Alphonso's ultra-luxury box, the Neil Armstrong Seats.

He'll be bringing his glove to each game, hoping to catch one of Brett the Jet Gardner's titantic shots.

Julio Who? Jed Hits Homer, To Be Enshrined into Cooperstown's Jacoby Ellsbury Wing

Julio Who?

The name is Lowrie. Jed Lowrie. He's the newest American Idol contestant from the Redsock superstar clone lab. The Gammonites are raving about his glove, with the exception of the occasional two-error inning.

That leaves Redsock fingers crossed, daring to hope for the ultimate treasure. The next Jacoby?

Yank Fans Riding Roller Coaster

The peaks are self-explanatory: Signing of Sabathia, Burnett, Texieira.

The drop: Arod.

Stop Spreading the News

When the Mariners win the World Series, everybody can save the printout.

Intense Competition Marks All-Time Yankee "Bobby" List

The top 10

1. Murcer
2. Richardson
3. Bonds
4. Abreu
5. Shantz
6. Cox
7. Meacham
8. Tiefenauer
9. Brown
10. Munoz

(Also receiving votes: Ramos, Mitchell, Estalella)

Lugo out, but Redsocks love Lowrie (except when he makes two errors in one inning)

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed.

The headline in Bostonese: "IF IT'S A CHANCE, LOWRIE WILL GRAB IT"


"When he arrived at Fort Lauderdale Stadium yesterday, Jed Lowrie found a whole new world awaiting him. Suddenly, his intense competition with Julio Lugo for the Red Sox shortstop job was over, for the time being at least, and possibly for a while."

Terrible news here. Victor Lugo tore his miniscus -- hmm, at his age? --and needs surgery. Out for a month. Thus, the nation turns its lonely eyes to Jed, which is no problemo, (except for the occasional two-error inning.) Due to Boston's great system, which the Gammonites know grows organic, steroid-free prospects, they have nothing to worry about, except the occasional two-error inning.

For the record, we at IIH never celebrate a Redsock injury, which is, at the core, a lessening of the human condition. To think of Lugo strapping his toddlers into the car seat and hobbling off to volunteer in the homeless shelter -- that's what Redsocks do, isn't it? -- is sad beyond our application of vowels and consonants.

Fortunately, the young Jedi warrior is ready.


"In addition to taking reps at third base, Lowrie worked on his footwork at shortstop - although after making no errors at short last year, he made two in the same inning last week. Now it appears he may have some time to settle in at short."

All we ever hear about is the failure to develop prospects at Columbus-Wilkes Barre, compared to the Redsock ueber-grease machine. For every lost cause -- our Betances, Melancon, et al -- a Gammonite slobbers over Daniel Bard, the Redsock Second Coming of Dick Radatz.

We agree: Lowrie ia great, except when he makes two errors in one inning.

Screw the Netherlands: To Him, it's the Nethergames

Why does anyone hate the WBC?

Because.

Pedroia's Future Rathole

Our undercover mole - a courageous commando of the Voice of Yankees Universe -- bribed his way into the new stadium, with chocolate bars and nylon stockings. He took photographs and has beamed them to the free world.

This appears to be the entrance to the Visitors' Clubhouse. (Note at the base of the stairs what appears to be a bag of Chinese poison-laced dogfood, decorated with the death's head butterfly curse that horrified Richard Gere in "The Mothman Chronicles.")

All Time Top 10 Yankee Gay Names (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

1. Todd Erdos
2. Wally Pipp
3. Bob Friend
4. Ted Lilly
5. Scott Proctor
6. Mel Queen
7. Bob Shirley
8. Mike Buddie
9. Loren Babe
10. Randy Keisler

Yanks have Three of the Top 10 All-Time Randys

1. Newman
2. Johnson
3. Travis
4. Moss
5. Levine
6. Savage
7. Rhodes
8. Meisner
9. Velarde
10. Amazing Randi

(Honorable Mention: Choate, Keisler)

"Gardy?"

In the morning Lady, this from Joe the Planner on our new CF:

Giradi said, “Melky’s played pretty well. He’s been a little bit overshadowed because Gardy’s played so well.”

Gardy?

Please, God, no. Gardy? Are we talking about a man or a poodle? Do we have no style, no imagination? Is Matsui, "Matsy?" Is Cano, "Canny?" Dear God, is our rotation Sabby, Burnie, Wonny, Chamey and Petty?

Vote. Today. As if your entire self-image as a Yankfan depends on it.

The Five Yankees You Don't Want to Meet in Traffic

1. Craig Dingman
2. Eric Plunk
3. Bucky Dent
4. Virgil Trucks
5. Richard Dotson

(Whitey Ford excluded from list. You'd want to meet him anywhere.)

Quitter Pedroia Strains Muscle, Runs Home Crying "Wee-wee-wee," Wants Out of WBC

Look at this shameful, horrible man. Now, he's claiming that he strained an oblique muscle and cannot represent the country that preserves his freedom in the WBC.

Arod needed an operation. Let's hope that Pedroia doesn't embarrass the Redsocks -- and America -- by simply pulling out of the tournament... when he doesn't need an operation. That would be, well, sinful.

Miracle: Jesus Clears Bases and Yanks Win Twice (without a doubleheader!)

Jesus H. Montero! The future savior hit a grand slam today in a formerly meaningless game.

Let it be known that on this blessed day, Friday the 13th, we won two intersquad games. And we weren't even playing ourselves!