YANKEETORIAL: How to be gracious around poorer team fans

To fellow trustees of the Yankiverse…

Over the next few days, as we cuddle our adorable new Christmas puppies, CC and AJ, we will be confronted by news stories about starving franchises who are scrambling to sign Chris Britons and Dooley Womacks. We will feel sadness for these penniless teams and their destitute fans.

Therefore, we at IT IS HIGH have compiled holiday tips for giving comfort to those who cannot otherwise afford it.

1. At parties, small market fans will seek you out, looking to whine about life. When poor fans complain that you just spent $250 million for two pitchers, and how it's not fair... just smile. You cannot explain why you chose to be a Yank fan and they chose to root for the Padres. A fish cannot explain the nature of swimming. Just smile, and say these words: "Free will, baby." Remember... Life is not fair. But it's a free country, and they chose their team.

2.Occasionally, in the presence of a Toronto Blue Jay or Washington Nationals fan, you will not be able to help yourself. Maybe you're sentimental, or maybe you've too big a heart. But you will not be able to stand aloof in the presence of such horrible human suffering. In such cases, I take from my wallet a crisp one-dollar note and press it into the fan's hand. The look of embarrassment will eventually turn into one of joy. Who knows, maybe you'll put meat on the table for Gil Meche’s children.

3. At wild holiday office parties, be careful with members of the opposite sex. You've just bought Sabathia and Burnett. They sense it. They smell it. And they want a piece. They want it bad. Carry protection. Keep your distance. You're looking for a friendly chitchat. They want rampant sex with the owner of CC Sabathia.

4. Sometimes, the "little fan" complex will kick in, and they will challenge you. Do not succumb to the impulse and beat anyone up. Remember, to that Brewer fan who just lost CC, you are Angelia Jolie sucking the hot sauce from Brad Pitt’s Buffalo wings in full view of Jennifer Anniston. He cannot handle it. Without a confontation, he cannot save face. Thus, help him out. Mention Mike Cameron. You say, "Ohh, you stole Melky, you devil. We thought we’d get the best of you, but we certainly found our match. You’re going to have a bang-up year in the NFC Central, and we'll miss Melky, you sly cabalero!"

5. Mention Mark Teixiera and smash a plate.