Yankeetorial: We Must Keep Our Friends Close, and Our Enemies' Closers

(NOTE: The following must be seen by Yankee brain-trust decision-makers. The rest of you don't matter. Print-out this critical message and tack it to high-visibility locations frequented by Bomber brassers, such as above urinals, between the cleavage of ex-Rockettes or on "Tony Danza: One Man 2-Nite" posters. THIS MUST BE READ, OR ALL COULD BE LOST.)

(NOTE II: Don't click on the underlined parts. I underline for emphasis!! And don't print the instructions. That way, the bastards won't suspect a thing!)

MESSAGE TO MEMBERS OF THE YANKIVERSE, NO MATTER HOW FUCKED UP SOME OF THEIR TRADES HAVE BEEN, WHO ARE DEEPLY LOVED AND RESPECTED:

DEAREST CHUMSTERS,

Let us taste the bile of truth.

He aint coming.

We offered CC love, devotion and $140 million in untraceable bearer bonds. But when our lips neared his, he pulled away and called a cab. We never got to show him our jewels, or even the All-U-Can-Eat Tuesdays at Sal's Oysterama. Now it's over. He's home in Northern California, Barry Zitoland, where the weed is primo and oysters are cheap.

We must redirect our gib. Unfortunately, somebody last month traded for Nick Swisher, sabotaging our effort to seduce Mark Teixiera. Also, it's said that certain people are eyeing AJ Burnett and Derek Lowe...

(NOTE: ALLRIGHT, LISTENUP, FUKWADS: IF WE OPEN THE NEW YANKEE STADIUM WITH DEREK LOWE ON THE MOUND, I WILL PERSONALLY HIJACK A PLANE, FLY OVER THE BRONX, JUMP OUT AND LAND ON THE SONOVABITCH, SQUASHING US BOTH INTO A FROTHY SPLATTER, ENDING HIS LIFE AND GUARANTEEING ME AN ETERNAL PARADISE OF YANKEE VIRGINS!! DO YOU HEAR ME? LOWE DOES NOT HAPPEN!! WE DO NOT WANT DEREK LOWE!!)

Where were we? Ahh, consider this:

Francisco Rodriguez and Brian Fuentes.

SIGN A CLOSER.

I know what you're saying: "But, oh, dear, Mr. IIH-IFF-IIc, we have Mariano. What would we do?"

Firstoff, shut up, you toad. Secondly, he's 39. One of these days, he's 50. Careers end. His could end any time, killing our season, no matter what our rotation. We must groom his replacement now. It's not dissing Mariano. It's auditioning a successor to the greatest closer in history.

I know what you're saying. "But, oooh, Mr. IIH-IIF-IIc, K-Rod and Fuentes don't want to do set-up. They want to close. What would we do?"

For starters, fukoff. Secondly, friends, they can close. Give a five-year contract. That means three years of closing. Meanwhile, we patent the 7-inning game. They break into New York with less pressure. They let Mariano get saves. They set the record for holds. They redefine the modern game. They rest Mariano. They save wear-and-tear on Hughes, Joba, Pettitte, Chien-Ming... you, me, Obama, everybody!! The Yankees win, THEHHHHHHHHH... YANKEES... WIN!

Forget CC. If he cared, he'd have called. Forget Teixiera. He loves only gold. Only gold. We're swishing with Swisher. SIGN THE CLOSER!! AND KEEP YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF DEREK LOWE!! WE DON'T WANT THE MAN WHO HELPED KILL THE CURSE OF THE BAMBINO IN THE NEW STADIUM. NEVER. EVER.

CLOSE ON A CLOSER!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!