Shocking new report links Arod to .272 batting average and frightening decline in power

BREAKING: A weekly Miami paper today says Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez’ name has turned up on a secret list of major league baseball players who last year batted below .275 and were repeatedly benched for pinch-hitters.


The list was said to be compiled by a disillusioned blogger who calls himself “Alphonso,” and who was said to have sold Rodriguez several months’ worth of below-cost laxatives. The blogger attributed the deals an attempt to “flush” the player from the Yankee batting order.

In response to the expose, Arod today released a statement:

“I wholeheartedly deny and condemn the report. It is completely untrue and inaccurate. I have never batted .272, except once, at the conclusion of the 2012 season. This is all the work of Kate Hudson. She has vowed to destroy me, but I didn't think she would try this kind of deceit. I categorically deny the claim that my power has diminished, although right now I feel as though I would like to lie down. Also, if you people will go away, I promise never to never whatever it is they said I did again."