Monday, July 21, 2014

Darkest before the dawn? In mere seconds yesterday, John Sterling bounced from inhuman despair to heavenly rapture

Contrary to news reports, the NY Yankees did not win yesterday: The Reds simply lost. In the ninth inning, the Evils were executing a classic choke moment - runner on a third, no outs, cleanup hitters up - and Mark Teixeira fanned. This prompted John Sterling to yelp, "Strike three, what else?"

Yep, that's right. Two little words. Two sharpened knives. John couldn't hold back. What. Else? Why would anyone expect a run? What else? Of course. Strike three. And when Brian McCann popped up, you could feel the air whistle from The Master's lungs, because he knew what was coming: We'd strand Ellsbury and bring in David Huff, or the increasingly pitched-out Adam Warren, and lose 3-2, or 11-2, or something equally horrible, an abomination upon humanity. The end was here. What else?

Then the Reds went rogue. The ball droppped, and The Master vaulted from his pit of Stygian pain to the summit of ecstasy, crowing over out chance to move within three of Baltimore! Of course, this was no walk-off win - it was a limp-off - and until our RBI men start RBIing, we need dropped infield popups to win, and good luck with that. But to The Master, it didn't matter.

Yesterday, he endured a lifetime of pain and pleasure. Let me recap a few moments. For example, John:

1. Condemned the unnamed news report by "a woman" in "a certain newspaper" (the one with which John and Suzyn share the fifth inning) that claimed the Yankees are gouging ticket prices on Derek Jeter Day. The Master expertly explained the economics of secondary markets, noting that folks have a right to do "whatever they want" with their tickets - and suggesting it's always a good idea idea to have a few extra, in case something quadruples their value. A good tip for fans looking to make ends meet.

2. Ended - once and for all! - the needless blah-blah-blah over Adam Wainwright's grooving the pitch to Derek Jeter in the All Star Game. John watched several MLB games over the weekend, and he couldn't count the number of pitches that were "down the middle of the plate." They weren't always blasted to right for a double. So it happens to Jeter once? What's the big deal?

3. Once again bestowed upon Jeet an "EL CAPITAN" home run cry for an RBI. When Jeter does hit a home run, what will John do?

4. Remarked that Zelous Wheeler's brothers are all named "John, Bob and Bill." (Note: Suzyn didn't chuckle. She's probably heard the joke 50 times.) 

5. Said he "cannot wait" to see what Brian Cashman does next!

6. Stressed that he loves what the kids are doing for this Yankee rotation

7. Noted that Dellin Betances is a human being, not a robot. Nobody is perfect.

8. Expressed excitement that Brian McCann has raised his average above .240.

9. Has not given up hope that Michael Pineda will help this Yankee team.

10. Could not believe that, despite the tribulations of the first half, the Yankees are still in it. Three out in the loss column.

All we need are a few more dropped popups. Your move, Texas Rangers!

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