Friday, July 11, 2014

Derek Jeter plans to sell children's books and testicle "hammocks"

Since there is absolutely nothing else to do this season other than celebrate the last days of Derek Jeter, let us now start pondering his future business empire. Make no mistake, el Capitan is on the hustle.

Next year, our esteemed leader will not only be publishing books for boys and girls, but selling comfortable ball-sacs for their ever-harried dads.

According to the Murdoch Post's Page Six: 

The slugger is a secret owner of Frigo RevolutionWear — a customized men’s underwear brand that sells skivvies more colloquially known as “Tempur-Pedic banana hammocks.” The high-tech undies sell for $100 a pair and include a “soft lock adjustment system” plus a “patented pouch” dubbed the “Frigo Zone.”

This, of course, is the NY Post editors chance to say "UNDERWEAR" and laugh. (Oh, to be age seven again!) I thought of writing some baseball/testicle puns - balls and strikes, high and tight, Thurman Bunson, that kind of stuff - but why bother? We have three long months left to kill. There is plenty of time for dick jokes. What's relevant here is that Jeet is covering all the bases - heh heh.

His line of children's books comes out in September. Harry Potter is about to meet the Yankees - Yogi Berra, that is, not Mel Hall.

Listen: There is absolutely nothing wrong with Jeter parking his money into wildly divergent business schemes. Does anybody think Hal Steinbrenner's billions don't trickle down into some meth lab Walter White, or some esteemed U.S. manufacturer of death gel? Of course not! These guys have too much money to NOT be involved with smoking, or naughty ladies, or gambling, or something that's on God's official shit list. If Jeet has discovered a form of underwear that really works - I mean, no hot day leftward scrunches, no need for hand resets - I mean, even better than Michael Jordan's Air Haines - shouldn't we cheer him? The guy just keeps giving us pleasure.

Ahh, but this is the stuff of 1st Lt. Milo Minderbender (via Joe Heller, no relation to Jane, the Yankee She-Fan). Imagine Jeter, nestling up to some former teammate in the locker next spring.

Milo: Taste it and let me know what you think. 
Yossarian: What is it? 
Milo: Chocolate-covered cotton. 
Yossarian: What are you, crazy? For Christ's sake, you didn't even take the seeds out! 
Milo: Is it really that bad? 
Yossarian: It's cotton! 
Milo: They've got to learn to like it! 
Yossarian: Why? 
Milor: Look, I saw this great opportunity to corner the market in Egyptian cotton. How was I supposed to know there was going to be a glut? I've got a hundred warehouses stacked with the stuff all over the European theater. I can't get rid of a penny's worth. People eat cotton candy, don't they? Well this stuff is better - it's made out of real cotton. 
Yossarian: Milo, people can't eat cotton! 
Milo: They've got to - it's for the Syndicate! 

Buy the underwear, folks. It's for the Captain.

1 comment:

Alibi Ike said...

There's always money in the banana stand.