Kevin Baker's book is here!

Kevin Baker's book is here!
"... an exemplary sports book..." Kirkus Reviews

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Bring me the head of Justin Bieber

I don't do this often, but dammit... I've had it with a certain Canadian spittle-chin who thinks big, tough tattoos can turn a serial pantywaist into a big, tough dude. This little twit is going to stand in the middle of his barbell entourage and bark insults about Orlando Bloom's ex-wife? I wish he would try it with me. I'd love to plant my fist square into that smug, little, un-balled gurlie mouth, go a little Tawny Kitaen, and we'll see how the pipsqueak worm-boy sounds without front teeth.

Fifty bucks to anybody who drops the slimy clump of pubescence and learns him, once and for all, that you don't mock a Hobbit-helping Caribbean pirate, not on this website's watch. Not here. Not anywhere. Fifty big ones, dammit. Wait... a hundred, if the beat-down is administered by a female. Tawny, you out there?

That's right, ladies. Hear me out. About 20 years ago, this planet's Secret Ruling Man Committee sent double-naught agent Kevin Federline - alias K-Fed - to mesmerize and ruin the high-and-mighty queen of self-indulgence, Britney Spears. When Kevin was finished, she had a cue ball head, a lifetime of court dates and - worst of all - sizable love handles. It's time for your Secret Womanhood Illuminati to dispatch some twisted, testicle-eating succubus to the land of Molsons and Labatts, and to put this bathtub-toy sound-alike clod into permanent rehab. A hundred bucks. Do it for the Hobbits. Do it for all of us.

6 comments:

JM said...

How the fuck can you diss that woman? In the words of Bob Hope, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

JM said...

'You' meaning anyone...not you Duque.

Alphonso said...

This is what you should be doing to Cashman !

Alphonso said...

This is what you should be doing to Cashman !

el duque said...

Yeah, ok, I get it. It's what I should be doing to Cashman.

Steve Miller said...

I think that is what you are supposed to be doing to Cashmsn.