Friday, July 4, 2014

Wait a minute, I got it: Why not just go with a new Yangervis/Zelous every month?

Last night, when the new Mr. Yankee, Zelous Wheeler, whacked his first major league home run, and ran the bases grinning like a 10-year-old over a plate of pancakes, I had a double epiphany:

1.) Oh, yeah... that Phil Hughes!

2.) We've got a new, four-week all-star!

That's right. Zelous is the new Yangervis. And instead of lamenting his eventual slump, let's embrace his Solartehood. Our problems in the month of July might not be so overwhelming. Instead of trading for another Known Known, a downward-plummeting school bus, let's periodically bring up some of our veteran minor leaguers - (by the way, we have many) - guys who have never gotten a full shot, usually because some "baseball man" in a suit watched him last spring and wrote a negative memo.

In late April, Yangervis Solarte was leading the AL in hitting. His problem: We left him in too long, like a starting pitcher. Good grief, Joe was always yanking Chase Whitley in the fourth. If Joe had pulled Yangervis last month, we wouldn't have suffered his demise. Now, we've got Zelous. He looks ready to rumble. Let's give him a month. When the wheels start to wobble, don't trade for Alfonso Suzukiano. Just comb the piles at Scranton and find a new lugnut.

Here's the plan for our horrible infield:

July: Zelous.
August: Jose Pirela
September; Corbin Joseph
October (World Series shocker): The return of Dean Anna!

We can do it in the outfield, too.

July: Adonis Garcia
August: Antoan Richardson
September: Zolio Almonte
World Series shocker: Still Never Nervous Yangerous, again!

Pitching? Hell, the entire Scranton staff is comprised of empty bottles and sun-cracked inner tubes. But one shining light of purity must not be allowed to rot in the overly-fracked pits of Pennsylvania: Pat Venditte, the one and only switch-pitcher. I don't care what the suits say. If the Yankees give this guy a chance, he will do all right for us. For a while.

Listen: These 28-year-old farm hands will never reach Cooperstown. But none will get thrown out trying to steal third with two outs - as Alfonso Soriano did last year, in our final meaningful series against Boston. Each is well seasoned and ridiculously hungry. Put them in for a year, and their numbers won't be pretty. Put them in for a month, and we might catch lightning in the bottle. If all Zelous does is take a three-week Ruthian spin around the league, I'll take it! We've tried the Known Knowns. It didn't work. It's time to try the Unknown Unknowns. ZELLLLLLLLOUS! (And did anybody hear The Master's call? Did he even have one?)


Mustang said...

John's call was, "Wheels up for Zelous!"

I don't get it either.

Anonymous said...

When a plane takes off sometimes people say "Wheels up". In my profession we have a saying "Wheels up, rings off.".