Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Posted by el duque at 7:43 AM
Today's Christmas rumors have Josh Willingham wearing Yankee stockings. Oh, joy! Oh, golly! Oh, hosanna! We could suit up a new 35-year-old OF who's hitting .215! Why... OMG... you insert a Willingham into that white hot Yankee order, and - holy crap! We're gonna win the World Series!
Or maybe John Danks. I'm not making this up. We'll get Danks from the White Sox for a handful of magic beans. Know why? 'Cause they're stupid. And we're smart. OK, all right, yes... Danks' ERA is 4.40 - lowest it's been in three years, and higher by a half-run than any of our current starters - plus, we'd pick up his $14 million per year contract through 2017. Aww, but where's your Christmas spirit, you Grinches? Once Danks reaches NYC, he'll turn into John Koufax. There's something about Yankee pinstripes that makes everyone a kid. Look at Carlos Beltran!
We'd put Willingham in RF. Bat him cleanup! A masher like Willingham, you gotta protect. He can play 1B, if Tex tweaks a gonad. You know what they say: With Willingham, you're never out of the Wild Card race.
And what about Cliff Lee! Now, wouldn't that be a Christmas? I can just hear the anti-Yankee Gammonites whinnying. "The Yankees got Cliff Lee! It's OVER! NOBODY CAN STOP THAT JUGGERNAUT!" Lee is only 35 years old. He'll pitch for another five years. Maybe Philly would throw in Ryan Howard! He's hitting .227. And maybe John Mayberry Jr., at .213. Or maybe John Mayberry Sr. can still swing the bat?
We lost Alfonso Soriano, and yet we wouldn't even skip a beat!
O, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... This week, we feast on tomato cans - Texas and Boston - whose stupid, ignorant front offices have already started rebuilding, thinking about next year. Pttuui. I speet on next year. Those dumb rubes, thank God they're not running the Yankees. We've got a shot at that One Game Wild Card! With Willingham or Danks, or an infusion of new old blood, it's hard not to see these '14 Yankees going all the way!
So let's leave out plates of milk and cookies. Let's hang the stockings with care. Wait... what's the sound? Sleigh bells? A clattering on the roof. I can hear someone calling the batting order: Brett Dasher, Derek Dander, Jacoby Donder and Carlos Blitzen... Holy crap, somebody's downstairs, a bearded guy, emptying the farm system! For joy, everybody! It must be Santa!