What it means.... Special insider edition

1. Jeet is landlocked at shortstop. We used to figure he'd migrate to first or third. Now, he plays short to the end of his career... or until we ditch Arod. (P.S. The Angels have a lot of unspent money!)

2. The Blue Jays will have to deal Roy Halladay. They've already been mathematically eliminated. We could offer Swisher, Hughes, Kennedy, maybe Chien-Ming Wang, maybe Robbie Cano, scads of money, women, hostages, drugs, whatever it takes. He's the best pitcher in baseball. What. Ever. It. Takes.

3. Each of our infielders just avoided 10 errors next year. In Cano's case, he just saved a longterm lease on his NYC loft.

4. We avoid drinking the hemlock known as Manny Ramirez. And Hank avoids a crushed eyesocket after failing to produce game tickets for 35 homies.

5. Brett Gardner/Melky Cabrera/Austin Jackson get to play center without having to hit their weights. The Braves can trade us Mike Cameron in exchange for Kei Igawa.

6. The Redsocks keep Mike Lowell -- 70-year-old hip and all -- at third.

7. We can finally stop crying when we think of Tino.

8. Jesus Montero, our best prospect, can learn to play catcher or be dealt. We could get a closer for him. We also have Austin Romine, another great catching prospect. Scouts say Montero will eventually play first. Not for us.

9. We return to our rightful status as the most eyeballed team in baseball. The Redsocks were claiming it. What a joke. And so what if we're hated? Even when we are liked, we are hated. Bring it on.

10. Lefties can't kill us. There's no Giambi, no Abreu. We could have three switch hitters in the order (Tex, Melky, Jorge.)

11. We now have two guys named Teixiera. (We got the other one, a minor league pitcher, in the Swisher-Betemit deal.) He spells his name the wrong way.

12. Instead of eight firstbasemen (Giambi, Betemit, Ensberg, Nady, Duncan, Sexon, Miranda, Ransom), one.

13. With Tex at first, we can get a flashy backup for Cano and Jeet, rather than the Wilson Betemits of the world, who should be playing noseguard for the Jets.

14. Piss off the Redsocks. GOD, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEIR FACES. YAHHHHHHHH-HAH.