Thursday, January 26, 2012

Let's sign Humanis Centepedes

Communism-hating Cuban video star Yoenis Cespedes is now an official free agent, holed-up in some Dominican Republic Best Western, perusing the continental breakfast entres and pretending he didn't just go 5-for-35 in a winter league tryout.

So why do we keep reading how he's too expensive for the Yankees to sign? The shit he is. We're the Yankees. We wash our sports cars with cash. Free cash, like in the Capital One commercials. It flows from clueless and massively evil corporate bigwigs who do sexytime in their enclosed luxury boxes. Of course we have the money! No Cuban on earth, aside from maybe Fidel himself, has ever been too expensive for the Yankees to sign. The Steinbrothers merely have to decided to spend their money, rather than park it in Cayman Island snow removal services.

Good grief, while we're crying poverty, the Redsocks are courting Edwin Jackson, practically writing the check in John Lackey's blood. We traded Jesus Montero and Hector Noesi for a kid who flailed like a dead trout during the months of August and September, and who knows if he'll be any good, because we wouldn't sign anybody. (Well, yeah, we did sign Kuroda, but for one year, relatively cheap.) We didn't want Jackson. We couldn't afford him.

OK, look... no more dissing the trade. But all we've ever had to do was grow our own players and buy a free agent or two every year. Do that, and we will win. They'll hate us, but they already do anyway. We never need to trade. It's when we choose to be cheap - to show how smart we are (and how dumb they are) - the joke turns on us.

If the billionaire Steinbrenners - yes, my friends, billionaires - simply siphoned less money for cigarettes and dip, we could have signed Edwin Jackson and kept Noesis and Montero. (Kuroda? Meh.) We wouldn't be now debating who must go so we can trade for a DH.

Why not sign Centepedes, park him in Scranton and see what he's got? Sign a DH? Dammit, we're not Greece. We're the Yankees. Spend the money, Hal. You can't take it with you.

1 comment:

Flavius said...

Hal needs a new Yacht. And he needs to save all the money he can for Michael Pineda's impending 10 year, 400 million dollar contract (which he will deserve after winning multiple Cy Young Awards and a couple of World Series MVPs to boot).

Sign me as a DH, i'll take the league minimum and probably will be better than Giambi was.