Friday, December 19, 2014

Despite assurances to the contrary, the Yankee fan-base still clings to the Scherzer delusion

Yesterday, Evil Empire Prez Randy Levine reiterated what GM Brian Cashman has been saying since Thanksgiving: The Bronx Bottomers will not bid one fat nickel on Mr. Free Agent Fancypants Max Scherzer. 

Nope. Not prudent. The new Yankee motto: A penny saved is a pennant earned.

Today, in lieu of a fourth and fifth starter, I say the Yankiverse must transcend pettiness and start pondering Trooth - that's right, The Trooth. I'm talking about those great Hobby Lobby framed quotations, which surely hang on Hal Steinbrenner's office wall, next to his Mensa membership. Dammit, people, let's stop whining about money. Money is crap. Money is piss. Let's start realizing that the best things are free... or at least marked down for clearance.

"Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that."Norman Vincent Peale.

That's right, River Ave comment-junkies. Stop bellyaching over Bruce Billings as our fifth starter. Your hearts are looking mighty empty this Christmas. Let's get behind this Yankee front office. Did you know the Yankees just inked Juan Graterol to a one-year? He could be next 2015's Yangervis Solarte. Come June 30, if we're floundering, we can trade him to other teams that are floundering for the former stars who are the reasons they are floundering. Get on board! Pockets without money are pockets of opportunity. And you may quote me on that, Hobby Lobby!

"Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver." –Ayn Rand

That's right, Lohud poo-pooers. Money cannot replace US as the driver. WE are the driver. Money cannot drive anything. Put a wad of cash in the driver's seat of your Prius and say, "Take me to White Plains!" and see what happens. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN. YOU'LL JUST SIT THERE LIKE A CLOD. Money will not buy Max Scherzer. You want Max Scherzer? Try some respect and admiration. If every Yankee fan simply stops crabbing about Hal Steinbrenner and sends Max Scherzer a well-written note with some flowers or maybe one of those Hickory Farms meat baskets, Max will see that NYC is love-love-LOVE personified, and he will pay the Yankees to play there. Either that, or he can fuck himself. 

It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor. –Seneca

Damn straight, culturally iconic Native American wise man! And to all you It's All About the Money muttering moohlah-milkers, get off the can and realize that a rotation with David Phelps and Adam Warren is not a sign of fourth place. Sitting on the can and complaining is a sign of fourth place. If we stop "complaining" (which I think Seneca really said, rather than "craving," it just got lost in translation), we won't be in fourth place anymore. 

Got that? Hail Hydra. 

1 comment:

Local Bargain Jerk said...

It’s not the employer who pays the wages. Employers only handle the money. It’s the customer who pays the wages.
    –Henry Ford

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
    –Yogi Berra