Friday, February 13, 2015

Dear Mr. Steinbrenner: Sign Yoan Moncada, and we'll take it all back

Dear Madam or Sir,

You have 10 days to redeem your soul.

Two hundred and forty hours. Fourteen thousand, four hundred minutes. One big-ass, uncountable shitload of milliseconds.

Ten days.

Yoan Moncada's newly hired team of suck-ups and cabana boys has stated that the Great Man will select one lucky team on or about Feb. 23 - yep - ten days from now. By then, Weird Al Rodriguez - who has hit more HRs than any current MLB player - will likely be in Yankee camp, giving Randy Levine back rubs and handing out autographed donuts to the beat writers, in exchange for not being savaged.

You have ten days to sign Moncada.

He won't be cheap. He will cost you another lakeside home, or a few vintage sports cars. You might have to delay redecorating the jet's amphitheater. Moreover, Moncada might not be worth it. Good grief, he might even suck. But sir, here's the deal:

As owner of the Yankees, you make too much money off of the fans, the taxpayers and the system to be as grub-infested as you have been this winter. Yes, we understand the need for fiscal prudence. Yes, we realize that nothing is gained by pissing money at a grass fire. But the Yankees are built on money. They are not the Miami Marlins. If you spend like the Marlins, folks will attend like the Marlins.

Over the last two years, the Yankees embarrassed themselves by lavishing gifts upon Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera, but failing to give them the only thing they wanted: A final post-season. Now, we've spent the winter basically reuniting last year's sorry team. We have nothing against Chase Headley as a player. But as the crown jewel of the Yankee free agent class, he looks a lot like Lyle Overbay.

Yankee fans have one hope: That this is a bridge year to something. Yes, Moncada is a roll of the dice. But his presence would give us cause for hope.

Sign Moncada, and we had a good winter.

Sign Moncada, and we have a good owner.

Ten days.


Mustang said...

Primo icon!

Dopey Dildox said...

Duque, considering the length of our news cycles and the public attention span, the icon will lose its cachet in about six weeks. You may need to update at regular intervals.