Friday, December 23, 2016

AJ Burnett... Russell Martin... Francisco Cervelli... now Ivan Nova? No... I SAY NO!

Yesterday, the Pirates re-signed Ivan "Super" Nova to a three-year deal.

If he turns out to be an ace in Pittsburgh - well, then  - I. Give. Up.

Yep, that's all, folks. I'll have had enough. It'll be time to drink the Calgon Bath Oil Beads. If Nova becomes a star, the sport will be rigged, worse than Wrestlemania. If after seven years of flirting with Yankee success, and never delivering the goods, Nova becomes a Cy Young candidate in Pittsburgh - well, the juju gods can eat my cleats. I will be done with them. THERE WILL BE NO MORE JUJU IN MY HOME... FOREVER.

This would be the Final Insult, the Ultimate Diss, and as far as I'm concerned, it will be time for God, or Jesus, or Allah, or Yahweh, or Maia - you know, The Big I AM - to crack down on the out-of-control bureaucracy and drain the juju swamp. We just fake-elected a First Testament President, so why not a First Testicle God running the universe: I'm talking about an angry, vain and jealous deity, who isn't afraid to tell these two-bit juju wannabees that Yankee fans have had enough of their bullshit. IVAN NOVA'S STARDOM WOULD BE CONSIDERED THE ULTIMATE DECLARATION OF HOSTILITY, AND YANKEE FANS MUST NOT TAKE SUCH AN ACT LYING DOWN.

Listen: We sat through the slow-motion downfalls of A-Rod, Tex, CC, Stephen Drew, Pineda, yatta-yatta - but enough is enough. If Nova turns into Ivan Scherzer in Pittsburgh, we need a revolution. I'm not advocating violence here. I'm thinking more of a Ghandi-like deal, where we all lie catatonic in front of our TVs or remote devices until the authorities - in this case, the local mental health SWAT teams - come to fetch us. Once we're all together in the psycho wards, we can plot Phase II.

In the meantime, I am issuing a Category Level I warning to the juju gods:

Think long and hard, folks, before you make Ivan Nova into the next AJ Burnett. We sort of know where you live. That's all I'm going to say, because the Russians are reading this - they already hacked the Yankee farm system to undermine Jorge Mateo's prospect ranking - and, like Trump, I believe in maintaining my precious unpredictability. Just don't let it happen. And merry effing Christmas.   


Local Bargain Jerk said...

Our best course of revenge would be to can Larry "Rising ERA" Rothschild and hire Ray Searage, the Pirates' pitching coach.

I would LOVE to see that deal. It would be sweet revenge indeed.

Unlike many other courses of action open to us, this move 1) wouldn't cost a lot (hear that Hal?), and 2) it would produce almost immediate, positive results.

Shit, Searage would have Severino looking like the second coming of Dwight Gooden in no time.

Punchline: Instead of the above, we'll fire a conditioning coach. Merry (epithet) Christmas.

JM said...

Encarnacion signed with Cleveland!

The Giants lost to Philly and Eli threw three interceptions!

Some guy with goofy hair, bizarre hand movements and no experience whatsoever got elected President!

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