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Tuesday, December 27, 2016

It's nearly 2017, and Cashman hasn't yet traded for one of his patented "live arms"

Okay, picture this: We're in a Tiki bar at 3 a.m. with a slobbering drunken Brian Cashman: I mean, he's in full George Thorogood mode... glasses askew, spewing flecks of saliva, eyes like hard-boiled eggs, and he's yowling about pitching... pitching... PITCHING gohfukkinammit... 

That's why he's been drinking for the last 10 hours. He has no pitcher. Here's a guy who throughout life has lusted after one consistent entity, the Holy Grail of Cashmanic behavior: The power arm. It can be Jeff Weaver, Javier Vasquez, Jose Contreras, Kevin Brown, Javier Vasquez again, the entire cast of Glee, all the way to Michael Pineda and - of course - Nathan Eovaldi. It's the constant theme in your doctorate thesis on the death of God in Cashman literature. Year after year, winter after winter, he trades the house for some 25-27 year old starter who has shown "promise" on some losing team in a city that doesn't remotely resemble New York. It's the reason everybody still expects the Yankees to trade for Sonny Gray or Jose Quintana - insert names here - because identities don't matter. What matters here is Cashman's one grand fetish, his uncontrollable itch. He sees that starting pitcher on the midway of kewpies, and he simply must lay down his money and try the ring toss.

I hate to say this, because it was such a tragedy, but when Jose Fernandez died in that boating accident last fall, but my first thoughts - really, I'm not proud here - were that at least it will keep Cashman from making a bad deal, which at the time was gaining in speculation. I should burn in hell for such thoughts. But in the matters of the Yankiverse, there is no morality, no judgement - only wins and losses. Fernandez was exactly the type of pitcher that Cashman would have found irresistible, and he would have forded heaven and hell to bring him to Gotham.

But getting back to the bar: We're doing shots, he's eyeballing women and talking up the need for pitching. But where's the beef? He's done nothing. He won't say a name out loud, because he's paranoid - the vengeful ghost of Dick Young might write a column about it - but he sure as wants somebody. The Yankees have kept their farm intact and - for now, anyway - and left lanes open for the likes of Judge, Frazier, Sanchez, Bird, etc - but the rotation is an empty closet. It's Masahiro Tanaka and whoever looks good in spring training. Look closely, and you'd think we were expecting 200 innings from CC Sabathia. (BTW... he thew 179 last year, 167 the year before, 45 the year before that.) Where's the beef?

Well, the answer is, buckle up. I never speculate on who the Yankees might get. It's pointless. But if we've learned anything from Cashman's time atop the shit pile, it's that he's always sniffing for the power arm. Something is coming. You think Javier Vasquez could make a comeback? Bad things happen in threes. Everybody, sing along with George... One bourbon, one scotch, and one bee-eeeer...

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I LOVE TIKI BARS..... ANYWAY............ IF HE TRADES FOR JOSE QUINTANA, I'M GOING TO BLOW A GASKET....... I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT "YEARS OF CONTROL" ON HIS CONTRACT, OR ANY OF THAT SHIT, BECAUSE THE GUY WE SHOULD HAVE GONE AFTER (CHRIS SALE), IS NOW A RED SOCK...... POWER ARM?....CHRIS SALE......ACE?.....CHRIS SALE......CONTRACT VALUE?....CHRIS SALE......YOUTH?....CHRIS SALE......LEFTY IN YANKEE STADIUM?.....CHRIS SALE......PAIR WITH TANAKA FOR A NOW POWERFUL 1-2 COMBO?....CHRIS SALE......KEEP HIM AWAY FROM OTHER TEAMS IN OUR DIVISION SO HE DOESN'T FACE US 5 OR MORE TIMES A SEASON FOR THE NEXT 7 YEARS?......CHRIS SALE..........YOU GET THE POINT. JOSE QUINTANA HAS BEEN A GOOD PITCHER THE LAST COUPLE YEARS, BUT HE ISN'T CHRIS SALE.........AND BTW, JOSE QUINTANA WAS IN THE YANKEE SYSTEM A FEW YEARS AGO......WOW, THAT CASHMAN CAN SURE SPOT A GOOD PITCHER WHEN HE SEES ONE, RIGHT?

Alphonso said...

A draft and a shot of Crown royal will do.

Anonymous said...

CROWN ROYAL APPLE.....PRETTY DAMN GOOD.

John M said...

Chris Sale sailed, sadly, though I wouldn't have wanted to give up what they wanted for him, anyway. So why exactly would Robertson make any sense on a team that wants to get rid of payroll and is looking to unload Gartner to do it? (Because the idea of unloading Ellsbury's contract or any sizable chunk of it provokes uproarious laughter and crude comments throughout the crowd of unemployed dockworkers at the rough dockside bar where Cashman hangs out.)

But more importantly, since we won't get another decent pitcher...and if you look at the pile of innings CC has posted lately he WILL hit 200 this year, as Girardi leaves him in for five or six runs in his bad starts to get there...why don't we lobby the Yankees to make Crown Royal Apple the Official Fancy Schmancy Whiskey of the New York Yankees? Ketel was a good choice for vodka, but they don't have a rye (Templeton or Woodford would do for me), and they sure don't have a Fancy Schmancy Whiskey.

In lieu of a starting pitcher, that is.