Top Ten List of Current Yankee Open Sores

Two weeks ago, the feel-good, Cinderella '17 Yankees had one eency-weency problem, the temporary kale-and-turd-burger at 1B, at least until our official spring sensation, Greg Bird, returned from his Scranton rehab. Nobody worried. All was groovy. If Chris "Swing and Miss" Carter didn't start producing, Brain Cashman would simply comb the MLB gene pool for a replacement, and our four-game lead in the AL East would surely continue to grow. The world seemed so safe, so secure. We were shitting Bitcoins. 

Then came the road trip to Hell. 

I won't list all the bad things that happened. It's like an Oscar acceptance speech; there are just too many names, and I'd be afraid of leaving someone out. But suddenly, Yankees' problems run up and down our spine, like shingles, and unless Hal orders Cashman to jettison the farm system - and our future - there is no July 31 trade solution. As old Rummy himself once said, "You go to war with the army you have..." Folks, we are deep in big muddy, and the cavalry isn't anywhere in sight.

Nevertheless, there is a bright spot from this six-game losing streak: It gives us a reason to make a new list! Come on, who on the Internet doesn't love lists! It's fun, ranking prospects, players, vegetables, Taylor Swift fuckboys, characters on M*A*S*H, whatever. Thus, I'm going to list and rank the Top 10 Yankee Open Sores. Of course, some of you will surely disagree - that's the fun! - and I apologize in advance if your fave Yankee Open Sore is getting a short-shrift. Life is unfair. If your unsung Yankee Open Sore isn't getting enough recognition, let's be honest: Maybe the Open Sore isn't bleeding enough. So here goes... 

Top 10 List of Current Yankee Open Sores

1. Masahiro Tanaka. This is a swollen, ugly red gash - smack in the middle of our forehead. We must keep pitching him - he's technically our ace - yet he's getting torched. No band-aid can cover this. We need one of those Mexican pro wrestler masks. It's that bad.

2. CC Sabathia. A pulsing, festering thingy... and it hurts to pee. He's out for at least another five weeks, and then what? He was a roller coaster ride before the injury. Must we relive the months of April and May? (Probably.)

3. First base. We need to consider an amputation. Simply stated, Chris Carter is the anti-Christ. And Bird is not the word. Wither goest Lyleth Overbay?

4. Bullpen. This is a rash spreading everywhere. Did we really give El Chapo five years at $86 million? (Did I miss something? Weren't we going to stop doing those deals?) Tyler Clippard is a fever blister. Adam Warren is out. Suddenly, our belly is rumbling with Rumbelows. Everybody but Betances is collapsing. What happens when he slumps? (And everybody slumps.)

5. Third base. Chase Headley's career continues to swirl the drain in excruciatingly slow YES-mo replays. We were going to replace him with Glyber Torres. Oh, well...

6. Pineda. No explanation or description here. You all know what I mean.

6. Aaron Hicks' and Gary Sanchez's nagging injuries. Especially, Sanchez. It seems like just when he gets hot, something barks.

7. Aaron Judge's Ruthian, too-good-to-be-true, first-half run. What happens to this team if (or when) he hits a slump? Seriously, he's having a wonderful year. But do we really think he'll win the Triple Crown? Right now, we are starting to look like the team that cannot score five runs. If Judge falters, we would become the team that cannot score three. That's scary.

8. Castro returning to earth? Well, he's 27; it's possible that this is his career year. But will he continue to hit .324? Doubtful. 

9. Gardner and Ellsbury's murky futures. Last year, Gardy had a terrible second half. He simply seemed worn out. Why do we think this year will be different?Class? Anybody? Meanwhile, Ellsbury's concussion headaches must be starting to worry people. Head injuries = no laughing matter. Last spring, one of them seemed destined to be traded. Now, what do we have, and how long do they freeze Clint Frazier and Dustin Fowler down in Scranton?

10. I leave this open for today's bad news, whatever it is. Shoulder tightness for another pitcher? A base-running hammy? I dunno. But it's out there. Right now, the Yankee boat is made of Swiss cheese. The road trip is over. We're back home. Somebody better step up soon, because if we fall behind Boston, the wild card chase is going to look extremely lame.