Virtual Baseball: It Ain't Happ-ening in Boston. Sox Rout Yanks As Fans Mock Goop.

The Virtual Boston Red Sox scored early and often on Yankees starter J.A. Happ today, then continued to pound sacrificial reliever Albert Abreu for several innings more, on the way to a sloppy, 18-6 win.

Grand slams by Sox infielders Rafael Devers and Xavier "That Bottle" Bogaerts had the Fenway Faithless up and rocking early, while later homers by the likes of former Met Kevin "Unpronounceable" Plawecki, Babe Benitendi, and Rusney Castillo only smeared more tasteless, awful fondant on the cake.

Miguel Andujar and Brett Gardner homered for the Yanks, who roughed up starter Nathan Eovaldi.  The longtime batting machine managed to last five innings for the win, though, thanks to an inspired, four-inning relief stint by former Yankee farmhand Colten Brewer.

Throughout the game, the rowdy Fenway crowd, hopped up on lobster and Sam Adams beer, chanted "Goop is juice!" and other obnoxious slogans, while pelting Yankees outfielders with hot dogs, peanuts, and the expected racial epithets.

"Another day in the Athens of America," 103-year-old Sox broadcaster Jerry Remy said, watching the outbursts that went on throughout the game.

"When you look at the history of this great rivalry, I'm just grateful none of the staff attacked our team this time," Manager Ma Boone commented afterwards.