Wednesday, June 3, 2020

Virtual Baseball: "We Want the Goop! Give Up the Goop Now!" Giancarlo, Gwynnie Liberate Yankees Rehab Camp!

In virtual baseball today, the New York Yankees surged to a 6-2 win in Seattle, even after Mariners' manager Scott Servaistheterrain got the umpires to force Yanks starter Masahiro Tanaka to remove the large binder clip holding his elbow ligament in place.  Mike Ford and Gio Urshela homered for the Yankees, who are currently on a clip to shatter last year's all-time record for most home runs in a season.

But the big news in Yankeeland today was the surprise raid on the team's rehabilitation complex in Tampa, Florida.

A motorcade of ambulances, sirens screaming, smashed through the rehab's front gates, with their  plaque inscribed with the facility's famous motto, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

Leading the convoy, heads sticking out of the first ambulance's sun roof, were Giancarlo Stanton, the man of knowledge, his whereabouts unknown for the past few weeks, and former-actress-turned-quack-notions-peddler, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Stanton, dressed in a shimmering coat of many colors, and Paltrow, arrayed completely in white, held submachine guns on the complex's guards and its current lead physicians, Drs. Behrens and Krokowski.

The players seemed eager to hobble, stagger, crawl, and wheel themselves to the waiting ambulances, though.  Most pathetic of all was a 90-pound Jacoby Ellsworth, who was reportedly still being kept in an isolation unit known as "The Hole" until he settled the Yankees' lawsuit against him on the team's terms, and who had to be helped along by two attendants.

In a video statement released afterwards by Stanton and Paltrow, they revealed that the players have been taken to an undisclosed location.  There, they will be nursed back to health—"true health this time, not just so they play a couple games then pop something again"—mostly through application of new salves invented by Ms. Paltrow's Goop Lab.  The balms in question have been named, respectively, "Pinstriped Goop," "Bronx Goop," and "Goop-goop-a-joop."

"Damn, didn't see that coming," shrugged Yankees creature Lonn Smith Trost on hearing of the mass breakout.

Asked how many players had been in the facility, fellow Yankees creature Randy Levine sighed and told reporters, "Geez, I dunno, 14, 15?  What, you expect me to keep track of that?  These guys are always gettin' hurt!"

Tampa police had no leads on the whereabouts of the players and their abductors, but then the force noted that it had not had any leads at all since 1976.


Platoni said...

The Yankees also announced today all their remaining Minor League teams will put up plaques stating "Arbeit macht frei" at their practice facilities. Added Levine, "We like putting up plaques. They motivate the help, er, ... hands, I mean, ... employees. Yes, that's what I meant all along, employees. They motivate the employees to work hard, ... or else."

JM said...

I'm trying to imagine Stanton in a coat of many colors. Paltrow in white is easy, but the machine gun...not so much.

And also, what Platoni said.

Ol' Yankee Daddy Roger said...

I am most disappointed by the news that Miguel Andujar did not hit a home run. He must be ahead of Barry Bonds' pace for the season.

Sharon Wayne said...

I want to thank Dr Emu a very powerful spell caster who help me to bring my husband back to me, few month ago i have a serious problem with my husband, to the extend that he left the house, and he started dating another woman and he stayed with the woman, i tried all i can to bring him back, but all my effort was useless until the day my friend came to my house and i told her every thing that had happened between me and my husband, then she told me of a powerful spell caster who help her when she was in the same problem I then contact Dr Emu and told him every thing and he told me not to worry my self again that my husband will come back to me after he has cast a spell on him, i thought it was a joke, after he had finish casting the spell, he told me that he had just finish casting the spell, to my greatest surprise within 48 hours, my husband really came back begging me to forgive him, if you need his help you can contact him with via email: or add him up on his whatsapp +2347012841542 is willing to help any body that need his help.

Isiyku Abdulahi said...

I really want the world to know about this great man who brought back happiness into my life again after my husband left me and the kids 3 years ago for another women online when i contacted Dr Believe he cast a love spell for me within 48 hours my ex husband start calling me and begging for forgiveness for everything that have happened between us. I was so happy to have my family back together with love again here is the email of Dr Believe via a man with the great powers you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348156148821
God bless you
I am very grateful for your help in my marriage.